Taking initiative - I contributed to implementing change or reform in my organization.

Hi everyone ! I need your help on my essay. What can I improve or what points I need to add to make it more effective ?

How have I contributed to implementing change or reform

[Question: How have you contributed to solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform? (Be specific and include: what aspect/s of your leadership knowledge, skills and practice you consider to be well established and effective; which people or organizations you worked with to solve the problem; and what creative methods were used.)

ANS; My friend Is the founder of an organization named AS 'NGWO' which works to help those students in our area who can offer to study in private schools . Government school education system has become so ineffective and dumb in our region that no one wants to study there and most of people cant afford to make their children to study in private schools so need for such organization was really required . when I saw my friends working with a lot of passion and love them I joined them . I helped them to do their work officially . I helped them to maintain their data records of their work and helped them to make secured pdf files and a secure system to regulate them .

one day when friends were working effectively to help those students who need help then I decide to make my own organization which would work in a broader aspect . The aim was to help every needy and poor people not only students and thanks to god making me able be successful in my aim somehow . The organization name is HELPERS SCOUT with seven to eight persons working with me , helping me and assisting me to help others .

I think I have taken a good initiative and with strong back support and love with passion I will be able to help every single needy person in my area.

Dear Hassan Zara,
I think you should write more about your Helpers Scout and its impact on people and be more specific so that the readers can see your strongest motivation and passion.

Good luck!

Raja, your essay needs a more effective presentation. You are telling the reader that your friend started the organization and that you are helping out. However, you have not specifically indicated what type of helpful participation you have made to the organization. You are speaking in general terms, referring to your group, rather than your individual participation.

The essay is asking you to focus on your individual accomplishments in addressing the educational problem of your country. I do not believe that this essay is effective as you are not the main problem solver in this instance, you are only a supportive follower. What you need is a presentation that show that you are the point person when it comes to addressing the specific problem, not an assistant who works with a team. That defeats the leadership contribution you should have been able to highlight as a part of the solution to the problem.

You failed to represent the following:

1. Aspect/s of your leadership knowledge, skills and practice you consider to be well established and effective;
2. A reference to the creative methods for problem solving that were used.