Hi everyone,
I'm a Vietnamse student applying for a scholarship of an International University in Vietnam. They require these in the essays:
- Your goals
- Your contributions to the community
- Educational achievements
- Your commitment to the area of study
I completed my first draft but it turned out to be 979 words! While the maximum is just 600. T_T. Can you help me cut down on the number of words and make corrections in my grammar and vocab? Many thanks.
Here is my work:
Dear RMIT,
I was born and grew up in Quang Binh, a province 1200 km from Ho Chi Minh city. Life here is still very hard due to low educational level and distance from economic centers. Consequently, I do not have the chances of learning English as my peers in big cities. Every time I see English lecturers on TV or read about English courses, I feel really upset and envious with those who can speak to foreigners and attend all those courses. Therefore, I used to dream of spending my college days in Western countries. However, when it comes to making my decision, I choose RMIT Vietnam thanks to a heart-touching article I read on Facebook : "How many times will you meet your parents?". If I study overseas, how many times I will meet my parents, I wonder. My mom's heart trouble is getting worse plus high blood pressure as the result of the painstaking dedication to the family. What if I couldn't come to her side in time when she is down and needs my helping hands? Luckily, RMIT will meet all what I need: a place which is just 45 minutes flying from Quang Binh, a university to use only English when studying, eating and chatting, and a learning environment of international standards.
Considering a scholarship of RMIT as a motivation, I have paid close attention to laying a solid academic foundation and thus get the average score of over 9.0 for 3 years of high school. A big love for English encouraged me to win 3 first provincial prizes in 2008, 2009 and 2010, a Fourth prize in 2010 and a Third prize in 2011 in the National contest for Gifted students. As a result, I received the Odon Vallet scholarship for excellent students in 3 successive years 2008, 2009 and 2010 and a scholarship of Bee.net.vn in 2010. However, 7.5 for IELTS is the most significant 'prize' for me as it makes my dream more likely to come true.
Voluntary work brings much happiness to me. I have been a tutor at S.O.S children village, teaching English and Mathematics there. Knowing how hard it is to grow up without parents' help and guidance, I appreciate their efforts to overcome all the difficulties. Therefore, I have done everything I can to have their mental life somewhat compensated by holding Full Moon festivals or having parties on Christmas and New Year Days at the village. Just looking at their faces glowing with happiness makes me warm at heart!
I am a member of Quang Binh "Little Reporter" and I still write articles for newspapers like Quangbinhonline.com, or "Hanh trinh moi", most of which are about students around my age. Now I am a very active member of Funny hip hop dance club in my hometown. Moreover, as a Secretary of Youth Union of the class, I am the leader in almost every social activity that we took part in. The motto "United we stand, divided we fall" greatly inspires me because I consider solidarity the most important thing in teamwork. A Professional Communication course at RMIT will help me realize my dream of becoming a public relations specialist thanks to the vast knowledge and precious life skills gained from studying at the university. If accepted to RMIT, first, I will have more chances of doing voluntary work than in Quang Binh. Second, I will be able to join the RMIT dance club and make the moves with my team, quenching my thirst for my passion as well as to take part in other interesting clubs. Third, I want to prove that RMIT students can totally be excellent at study and dynamic in every activity. Fourth, I can fulfill my dream of opening a language center in my hometown to give free lessons to the lovely orphans in SOS children village and to popularize the importance of languages among Quang Binh residents. I have a strong belief in achieving my goals and I trust RMIT to make my dreams come true.
I'm a Vietnamse student applying for a scholarship of an International University in Vietnam. They require these in the essays:
- Your goals
- Your contributions to the community
- Educational achievements
- Your commitment to the area of study
I completed my first draft but it turned out to be 979 words! While the maximum is just 600. T_T. Can you help me cut down on the number of words and make corrections in my grammar and vocab? Many thanks.
Here is my work:
Dear RMIT,
I was born and grew up in Quang Binh, a province 1200 km from Ho Chi Minh city. Life here is still very hard due to low educational level and distance from economic centers. Consequently, I do not have the chances of learning English as my peers in big cities. Every time I see English lecturers on TV or read about English courses, I feel really upset and envious with those who can speak to foreigners and attend all those courses. Therefore, I used to dream of spending my college days in Western countries. However, when it comes to making my decision, I choose RMIT Vietnam thanks to a heart-touching article I read on Facebook : "How many times will you meet your parents?". If I study overseas, how many times I will meet my parents, I wonder. My mom's heart trouble is getting worse plus high blood pressure as the result of the painstaking dedication to the family. What if I couldn't come to her side in time when she is down and needs my helping hands? Luckily, RMIT will meet all what I need: a place which is just 45 minutes flying from Quang Binh, a university to use only English when studying, eating and chatting, and a learning environment of international standards.
Considering a scholarship of RMIT as a motivation, I have paid close attention to laying a solid academic foundation and thus get the average score of over 9.0 for 3 years of high school. A big love for English encouraged me to win 3 first provincial prizes in 2008, 2009 and 2010, a Fourth prize in 2010 and a Third prize in 2011 in the National contest for Gifted students. As a result, I received the Odon Vallet scholarship for excellent students in 3 successive years 2008, 2009 and 2010 and a scholarship of Bee.net.vn in 2010. However, 7.5 for IELTS is the most significant 'prize' for me as it makes my dream more likely to come true.
Voluntary work brings much happiness to me. I have been a tutor at S.O.S children village, teaching English and Mathematics there. Knowing how hard it is to grow up without parents' help and guidance, I appreciate their efforts to overcome all the difficulties. Therefore, I have done everything I can to have their mental life somewhat compensated by holding Full Moon festivals or having parties on Christmas and New Year Days at the village. Just looking at their faces glowing with happiness makes me warm at heart!
I am a member of Quang Binh "Little Reporter" and I still write articles for newspapers like Quangbinhonline.com, or "Hanh trinh moi", most of which are about students around my age. Now I am a very active member of Funny hip hop dance club in my hometown. Moreover, as a Secretary of Youth Union of the class, I am the leader in almost every social activity that we took part in. The motto "United we stand, divided we fall" greatly inspires me because I consider solidarity the most important thing in teamwork. A Professional Communication course at RMIT will help me realize my dream of becoming a public relations specialist thanks to the vast knowledge and precious life skills gained from studying at the university. If accepted to RMIT, first, I will have more chances of doing voluntary work than in Quang Binh. Second, I will be able to join the RMIT dance club and make the moves with my team, quenching my thirst for my passion as well as to take part in other interesting clubs. Third, I want to prove that RMIT students can totally be excellent at study and dynamic in every activity. Fourth, I can fulfill my dream of opening a language center in my hometown to give free lessons to the lovely orphans in SOS children village and to popularize the importance of languages among Quang Binh residents. I have a strong belief in achieving my goals and I trust RMIT to make my dreams come true.
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