What don't you know - a speech to God

What don't you know? (500 words)

"Hey. Can you hear me, up there in the sky? I don't know if you're really out there, but here's to hoping. Because I like to think that you are; I like to think you can hear me. But I don't know if my voice travels such great distances, past the clouds and into your world, that place called Heaven. Should I be yelling, screaming at the top of my lungs? I'd guess a whole lot of people are talking to you, right at this exact moment, and it must be hard to hear each voice, as we all shout our own prayers, trying to be the loudest. Are you listening to me, really listening to each carefully chosen word? Maybe not. I'm a low priority compared to all those people who are broken and dying and relying on you for life, aren't I? Yeah, compared to them, I'm alright. You've given me a good life, haven't you?

I met a kid last summer. Jonathan. I don't know if you keep track of all of us down here on Earth, if you know our names and our favorite colors and who we love. Do you know Jonathan? Do you know about my first day as a counselor, the first time I saw him come bounding off the bus? I was tired; he, with his sunny smile and endless energy, was not. He brought me a vine one day and told me that he made it himself. I can see it now, across the room. Can you? It's the one in the yellow pot, the one dangling, stretching, trying to reach that clean white carpet. Vines grow for an awful long time. You already know that, I suppose. You invented the vines and you made them grow forever, longer than other plants that fade away. You invented the vines and you invented me and you invented Jonathan.

He's a great kid, the best ever.

I don't know if you know that. And if you do, I don't know why it is like it is. I don't know why I go to sleep in a warm bed each and every night, knowing that someone loves me and knowing that I'll have enough food for tomorrow and the day after, while Jonathan may not even have a pillow. I don't know if you chose this, decided that I would have these loving parents and this great life and he'd be born into poverty, or if it's all the luck of the draw. I look out my window and see a green lawn and a swing set. Jonathan sees the slums. He sees violence. He sees things that no child should have to see. Tell me why. Tell me so I can know.

And as I wonder why it is this way, I see that sunny smile. I don't know how he does it. Do you? Do you know the secret to his happiness?

I hope you heard me. I'll yell louder next time."

Wow. I am not even religious, but this has to be one of the most beautifully written essays I've ever read. I really don't won't to say anything but I did notice that you could have added a "that" before "he'd be born...". I also think you could refer to the vine using "the" as opposed to "that." Obviously very simple mechanical fixes. Nothing big. Just out of curiousity, what college is this for?

I can't remember if it was for college essays but I remember an advice about not shortening words. instead of can't write can not and so forth.

but nothing major.
good stuff. good luck

I added the "that"; thanks for catching it! It brought me to exactly 500 words, wooo! And wow, thank you. I'm a little stunned at your kind words. It's for Brown. I originally did the best advice essay, but it wasn't clicking, so I wrote this instead.

And yeah, I'm going to ask my college guidance counselor about contractions. I'm not going to have any in my other essays (the more formal, "Why ____?" essays), so I'm hoping he'll be okay with them in this essay, since it's supposed to be like me speaking, but we'll see what happens!

I would save the formalities for the aforementioned "Why?" essays. Preserve your voice while you still have the chance--I think this more informal style is better when trying to grasp the attention of adcom members.

Also, if you have the time, could you read my "Werther" essay? Thanks!

this is really good... just some words eg. you're, you should write you are.

Let me be the one to cut through this mess. The first paragraph is very informal and loose with grammar. More importantly, it's not cute or fresh -- it's an old, tired, ripped off thematic. I think I've seen this script acted in cartoons ad nauseam. The whole essay is hollow and ridiculous, looking on.

exceelent essay! i can actually relate to hw u feel! its amazing! kinda had to hold back a tear

Thanks for wording that nicely after I spent hours on this; I really appreciate it. (: Let me be the one to point out that it's MEANT to be informal and loose and when compared to the tight, neat Why Brown? essay that I'm submitting, the college admissions person will clearly see that it was intentional. I ripped nothing off. Service is a big part of my life. It isn't hollow because it means something to me. There's nothing ridiculous about it. Thanks.


It's about what I don't know. What part doesn't make sense?

Lady, get with it. I can cite at least 10 examples of this plea to the heavens in TV, Cinema, etc.

It's pathetic. It is very much a ripoff. You spend almost no time on the actual details, rather your childish moping takes center stage. In that, there is NO substance that I can find. Grow up and realize that time spent doesn't equate to a quality product.

Time spent does equate to the fact that you should respect my hard work. There was a play at my school produced completely by the students and it was terrible, but people at least appreciated the fact that they put so much time into it. I spent a whole paragraph on Jonathan and those details. It wasn't about him, though. It's not a "person who influenced you" essay; it's a "what don't you know" essay and THIS represents exactly what I don't know.

I never claimed this to be the most original thing ever. I wasn't going for original or creative. And there's a difference between moping and wondering why and I'm clearly just wondering why in this. I just want to understand. That's all

It's cute, but I don't feel like you actually explain much in this essay. Your first paragraph is alright, but a little long considering it's basically unnecessary to the prompt.

Your second paragraph is again, a nice conversation, but it really gets off on a tangent with the vines.
However, only in your third paragraph do you really focus on what you don't know. I think you should cut down the other two paragraphs and expand on that.

It's also a lot of what I don't know.


This is more than an essay about how don't know why some people live in poverty while others have nice lives. I'm trying to also show my doubts in God himself. Like, if he's even there, if he listens to every prayer, if he truly knows each and every person on Earth. Is there a better way for me to show this?

I guess it could just be me then, but I'd prefer seeing you focus more on the secular aspects of your essay rather than the religious aspects. I thought the way you chose to talk to God was just a vehicle for introducing Jonathan and his situation, but I didn't automatically associate it with your religious insecurities, I guess you could say? I'm not a religious person myself. If you'd like to keep it this way, that should be fine, good luck with your application.

I liked your essay. I think contractions should be ok since you are using quotations. What I would fix in the first paragraph would be to condense a little by getting rid of exact moment or carefully chosen and just use moment and chosen. For me it still has the same meaning or effect but seems a little less redundant. That would just be a matter of style. If you could please look at my essay and lmk what you think? Thanks!

hey... mustafa1991???

I'm probably thinking that you're pretty stressed about your apps, or that you have a pretty good reason for leaving such pessimistic comments on all these essays.. but just to let you know that EVERY one of us are stressed and we are trying to do the best that we can with what we have. I personally think that this is a pretty good essay, it shows heart and TRULY expresses what the author isn't sure about. I hope that you can show some heart and write better comments next time. Harsh criticism is only good if its constructive and can actually HELP the writer, not bring him/her down...

Well, these are my two cents and I hope that I didn't offend you in anyway. I just don't think that it's nice to disregard people's hard work.

Wow...this is honestly amazing. There's just something intensely beautiful about your essay. And unlike what some people are saying, I can see exactly what you mean, what you're questioning, what you don't know, etc...

It's beautiful. Great job. Brown will love this. (:

Thank you so much!


Thank you for that. I'm totally open to constructive criticism, but having someone just calling this a pathetic mess and leaving it at that definitely brought me down and added to my stress. Thanks for your kind words.


I see what you mean with that. I might write a different version focusing more on Jonathan and then look at the two next to each other. Thanks!

It's always a pleasure reading your posts. I liked this essay a lot. Just, as I said above, since I have read many essays of yours, I have noticed in 3 of them (hope I'm not mistaken) this same style of developing your essay - the conversation form. I guess I have seen it in the essay about fetching and in the one about great Gatsby. My simple advice would be not to send to the same university 2 of these kind of essays, because I guess you would want to express that you can write really well (that you do) in diverse writing styles. If these essays go to different universities, then ignore the lines above.

Great work! I would love if you could advice me on my essays (the JHU supplement and the Carleton answers) if you have time :)

After reading through all the comments, Owls (no offense) but you seem to only take the "postive" comments...

I'm not saying your essay is not good, but honestly I don't think it's that good like some ppl said.

and mustafa1001, I would like you to read my essay if you can.

I take only comments that offer me advice. I don't take plain bashing of an essay. Plenty of people have offered me suggestions. Katsch, for example, offered me a suggestion that was far larger than "add a word or two here" and I responded:


Read more thoroughly before making a generalization next time.

I don't like the concept itself. Another speech to God? At least make it less boring.

Instead, you could talk more about yourself and how you might have helped the kid, but instead there's a boring speech with God, who doesn't responses at all. ( by responding I mean, you might know the secret to happiness of that kid, or anything else.)

The first few sentenced are very weak and repetitive.

The ending is kind of weak too, "I'll yell louder next time"? really? do you YELL when you pray?

The only thing I like is the vivid description of vines, but again they seem to be out of place.

Overall this essay needs a major re-work.

Sorry If I'm harsh.

P.S: Can you check my essay on Texas A&M? Thank you in advance.

You took the prompt very literally and you repeat it quite a lot. "I don't know..." I think the essay will have better coherence if you could take out some of those phrases. For example,


College personal essays should say more about YOU rather than someone else. Personally, I did not enjoy this essay. There were too many unnecessary questions that simply took up word count (I'm a word count Nazi when it comes to limited essays) and didn't have much purpose. You repeat many questions (written in different phrases etc).

The essay sounds very colloquial and informal. I understand that you are talking to God and it's supposed to sound the way you "talk," but it sounds too informal, if that makes any sense.

This essay sounds as if trying TOO hard to evoke emotions and because of that overhanded feeling, I reacted with repulsed emotion instead. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some cold-hearted sadist hiding in the basement. I truly value volunteerism and understanding/addressing the unfair differences in the world. However, in a prompt that asks you, "What don't you know" in order to figure out more about you (This is Brown, right?), writing an essay asking questions why the world is so unfair seems, as I've said, overhanded.

The first words that came to my mind after reading this was: Cheesy, Cliched, and Boring.

Edit: I realized someone said the same thing I said (poisonivy) mentioned about your conversation form while I said it a bit differently in saying that your essay is informal. Meh.

It was very touching -- it engaged me the entire time.
Although, I will say that your answer to the prompt was a little muddy (if you get what I mean...)
At first, I thought your answer to the prompt is "Does God exist?" but then I see it is about Jonathan. Maybe you should make your answer a little more explicit instead of using a lot of filller. All in all, it was good. Very well written -- love your style.

excellent essay, just write out there're and other thing like that