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"An abandoned restaurant" - UF Undergraduate Admission Essay - Critiques?



buzzett 1 / -  
Aug 10, 2009   #1
Must be 400-500 words

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.


As wind blew and waters rose, things did not look good for an abandoned restaurant in a run-down section of New Orleans. This restaurant was not just any eatery, but an historic fried-chicken joint run by 89-year-old Willie Mae Seaton. People from far and wide had eaten at this 50-year-old piece of history, and just the year before, Willie Mae's Scotch House was recognized for a prestigious national food award in New York City. Everybody loved Willie Mae's restaurant and everybody loved Willie Mae. That's why in January 2006 - five months after Hurricane Katrina - my family, along with historic preservationists and food lovers, gathered outside of Willie Mae's to help restore her restaurant.

Upon my arrival, I was instantly greeted by Ms. Willie Mae herself, which truly showcased her gratitude. We were the first of many crews that worked long weekends for a year and a half before the project was completed. With somewhere around 20 volunteers, whose ages ranged from 14 to 70, we instantly began our work. Stepping into what was left of the restaurant, the smell was unbearable. Everything was ruined, from the old jukebox player in the corner to the roofing. The work was tedious and the temperature was blistering, yet we pushed on. Breaking up into smaller sub-groups, the team started removing appliances and furniture. I started removing drywall, which had a visible water-line four feet high. The labor seemed to be infectious. Locals passing by started helping too. Almost immediately our small group of 20 had doubled. By the end of the day there was a pile of debris wider than the house. For the next two days we removed more and more of the restaurant's interior, each day with a larger group than before.

My experiences at Willie Mae's were unusual. I got to lend a hand with complete strangers and yet we united for a common goal. While Willie Mae constantly thanked us for our efforts, I feel I must thank her for the opportunity to contribute and make a difference. The restaurant is back open - though I have not visited since my work - and I take personal pride and satisfaction knowing that in a small way I contributed to its restoration. After returning home, I realized how special this experience really was... that doing small things, like rebuilding the small restaurant in the big city of New Orleans, can make a big difference; that regardless of age, one can make a meaningful change; that when doing the right thing, people will join you; and that even if you loose everything, you must keep your dignity. Like my efforts in New Orleans, I believe my experiences at University of Florida will provide me with opportunities to work with strangers, for common goals and make a difference.

EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 10, 2009   #2
Your introduction is very strong, and your narrative is solid. I'd like to see you go beyond the usual -- united for a common cause, doing one small thing -- in assessing the impact of this experience on you. Can you remember how you felt when you saw and smelled the wrecked restaurant? Did you ever feel despair as you were working? If so, what pulled you through? Did you learn anything about the world from Katrina itself and did that in any way change the "common goals" toward which you want to work in future?


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