'Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address' - UF Essay: (meaningful event)

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

I considered myself different than the other children; I didn't live in an ordinary humble neighborhood like them, I had no one to play with nor did I ever play outside. I lived in the slums, the majority of the area consisted of crime, deprivation, minorities, and filth. Just like my neighborhood I felt isolated from those who dared to be seen or step foot on the notorious 14th Street. I was the odd ball who had short frizzy, curly hair and wore a puffy dress. I tried so hard to conceal my customs and my culture and act as if I wasn't born and raised in an area of poverty, prostitution and drugs; fortunately my surroundings have no effect on my appearance.

In high school I have recognized the vast diversity of students of the color wheel.
The Indian Student Association is one ethnic club at UF which inspires me to embrace and learn more about my culture. The ISA has been advocating festivals, dancing, and the true essence of Indian culture food provided by ISA to all students on campus. The atmosphere at the UF campus is a ray of all different ethnicities into one university. This is different for me because I was born and raised in a less than desirable environment. With a curbside view of many people's lives, filled with crime, deprivation, minorities, and filth it is a hardship to be a bystander.

As a result I started a Model United Nations club at my high school to promote peace and equality throughout the school. As a very diverse group of members, we have learned so much about the United Nations and the variety of countries on their political, economical and social issues. To be part of the UF Model United Nations would not only be very prestigious, but also to share the love I have with others on international affairs. To travel around the country to places I dreamed of going and to attend conferences with students from all over the nation would be an experience of a life time. Raising awareness with various events and fundraisers to support families in third world countries, with shelter, food, vaccines, and basic knowledge of hygiene is a goal I strive for today.

Starting Model United Nations has affected my life and forced me to have a boundary so I could strive for a better life. I have learned to stay positive and continue to strive for my goals and surpass the roadblocks that come in my way. Seeing people's struggles of finding a job, money, and possibly food gave me a whole new meaning to the way I perceive being a better person academically, socially and my attitude towards life.

this essay is seriously amazing, albeit not so exciting. But I think captivating isn't as much of importance as reason and you're essay has it. MAybe a few grammar errors here of there.

"To be part of the UF Model United Nations would be very prestigious, not only that but also sharing the love" should be rephrased to make it flow better like [to be part of the UF Model United Nations would not only be very prestigious, but also to...] yeah if that was a question on the SAT, the problem would be parallel structure. If you try to make your essay more decisive (because its a serious essay and the topic isnt very captivating) it will produce a captivating effect. Think of some politician's speeches. Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address doesn't really relate to an outstanding topic or exciting one. War has become mundane over the years. But his speech we can never forget, because it is structured so decisively and written so beautifully.

Hope this helps. Thanks for posting! <3

Sounds Great! Thanks

I've been having some troubles making my essay more decisive, like you said. Do you have any pointers? And do you think my essay is bad serious or a good serious?

I've been having some troubles making my essay more decisive, like you said. Do you have any pointers? And do you think my essay is bad serious or a good serious?

I think you're on the right track, but it seems to me that you either trying to incorporate too many ideas or that your main idea gets lost halfway through.

Your meaningful experience is that you were raised in a troubling neighborhood, correct? But it seems like it has such a small connection to your embrace of different cultures. Now, let's say you were born in a troubling neighborhood, and as a result, you started or joined a youth group in your community who's goal is to make the community a safer place by cleaning up parks, and getting people off the streets, that's more of a solid connection. Or conversely, let's say that your meaningful event is that someone close to you (God forbid) were attacked for displaying pride in their culture, and as a result, you came to appreciate the diversity of different people, and started the Model UN in your school. Get what I'm saying? I just don't see a real solid connection between the beginning and the rest. That's the main problem I see here. Your grammar's fine and the rest seems pretty good.

Few sentences I, personally, would consider changing:

consisted of crime, deprivation, minorities, and filth.
This sentence is a little funny, cause I get the idea you want to communicate, but the inclusion of "minorities" along with harsh words like "deprivation" and "filth" makes you seem to be unhappy living among minorities xD

I would probably consider changing it to something like:

I live in a minority neighborhood, surrounded by crime, deprivation and filth.
That way, it makes it seem as though the neighborhood, which just so happens to be a minority neighborhood, has crime, etc.. Instead of a regular neighborhood, that is infested with minorities.

Also, you use this statement twice in your essay (crime, deprivation, minorities, and filth). I would delete the second occurrence of this.

In high school I have recognized the vast diversity of students of the color wheel.
The grammar of this sentence makes it seems like there are students who belong to a group called "the color wheel". I would probably change it around to:

In high school I came to recognize the vast "color wheel" of student diversity.

Hope this helps! I'm also applying, maybe we'll both get in :P

Great essay, but good blow flow, but the only problem is you are incorporating too many ideas to the essay, thus losing track of the main idea you are trying to get through. Also, just review it because there are a couple of parts where there are too much wording. For example:

"To be part of the UF Model United Nations would be very prestigious, not only that but also sharing the love" should be rephrased to make it flow better like..."

Good luck on it!