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Academic History (small part of my personal statement)


sunaway 1 / 1  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
I am applying for University of Washington in about ten days. I have a good personal statement, but I feel that the "Academic History" section is weak. Please provide me with corrections, comments, and feel free to criticize!

Ever since I was a high school student in Yemen, I have made learning my first priority. However, the low quality of education in Yemen was a real barrier for my goal. After I finished high school there, I started thinking of studying abroad. My father suggested that I travel to the United States, the country he got his Masters and PhD from. Once I started my first quarter in the US at Tacoma Community College (TCC), I noticed the huge difference in the quality of education. For the first time in my life, I got the opportunity to demonstrate the theories and concepts of physics in a technical lab. Despite the weakness that I had in my English skills, I did really well in my classes.

While TCC did provide me a great education, they did not have the resources I required to take that next step in my quest. I realized that the goal of TCC was to strengthen the foundation of their students and prepare them for a four year university, and they did outstanding job, but I was looking for more than that. I can not wait to transfer to University of Washington (UW) to take advantage of their ultimate resources, work besides their smart professors and students, and to be exposed to a wider curriculum.
mooseygirl89 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
you have a few awkward sentence structures fix such as changing " I got the opportunity" to "I had the opportunity" and change "weakness that I had in my English skills" to"despite my weak English." add a "with" after "provide me." Also: the first sentence in your last paragraph is a HUGE RUN ON..you need to cut it up into two or three sentences or perhaps seriously reword it. add "the" after "transfer to" change "to" after UW to "and" omit the "to" in the last clause.

:)
OP sunaway 1 / 1  
Nov 28, 2011   #3
Wow. Three people read these two paragraphs, and they couldn't see these mistakes.

Thank you very much.


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