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Academic history, your major and/or career goals, cultural understanding - UofWa Personal Statement


virdianty 1 / -  
Feb 13, 2019   #1

University of Washington Personal Statement



REQUIREMENTS:

Academic History
-What are the specific reasons you wish to leave your most recent college/university and/or program of study?
Your Major and/or Career Goals
-How will the UW help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?
Cultural Understanding

**Hi, this is my first time doing any sort of essay for applying to universities. The essay I made below is a rough draft and I was hoping for some criticism or some error check or anything I need to revise. It would be such a huge help for me, thank you!!!

MY DRAFT:
My college career to date has been attending Whatcom Community College to get my associate's degree, which I'm also attending to complete my high school. I did a year of high school back in my home country (Indonesia), and then when I saw that I had the opportunity to study back here in the US while completing both associate's and high school, I went for it and left my school. I previously majored in biology when I first attended the college, but decided to change it into psychology after a quarter or two because of a change of heart. I realized that I was more passionate and interested about the subject, and about the issues that are involved in said subject.

I did fairly great during my time in Whatcom Community College. I had a steady grade of As and Bs from Fall 2017 to Summer 2018. On Fall 2018, my grade had noticeably dropped compared to my other grades. Around this time, I was taking a big step towards adulthood; I had to move to an apartment that is closer to the school, and I had to live independently. The process was very hard for me; I had to figure out how to balance studying and being able to provide and manage for myself. I was able to overcome this struggle by the end, but it cost me my grade during that quarter.

The reason why I'm leaving my current college is because I am on the process of completing my Associate's in Arts & Science. Additionally, I am also leaving to work towards my dreams of studying psychology in the University of Washington. Therefore by getting accepted there, the university would already be helping me attain both my personal and academic goals. In addition to aspiring to get accepted into the University of Washington, this university also has the best psychology program in the Washington state. By enrolling there, I would get a bachelor's degree in psychology, and then it would allow me to follow my career path.

I knew that I wanted to pursue psychology as soon as I understood that word, which is around middle school. For the longest time, I like to observe people's behavior and how it affects other people. It was to the point that even the smallest gesture or expression would prompt me to determine what the person's feelings were like in actuality, or sometimes why the person acts that way. When I discovered a subject for it, I immediately set my heart on it. I started reading books and watching videos about it. My family fully supported me when they saw my keen interest, and told me to take on that major when I go to college in the US. In the college I am attending in, psychology is my strongest subject, and they hold my strongest grades. For that reason, I am sure that I am prepared to enter this major.

After getting the bachelor's degree, I intend to use my degree and work for about a year. I have yet to choose what specific job I would want to work in, but I know that I want to work in the psychology field. The plan after working is rather uncertain as of right now, but if I am still interested in it, I'll hopefully apply for medical school.

I grew up with a lot of different cultures. Three years after I was born in the United States, my family moved to Switzerland because of a work opportunity that my father had received. My family spent another three to four years in Switzerland before moving to our home country; Indonesia. For the larger part of my life, I grew up in said country, so my personal culture is heavily based on it as well. I lived in a religious household in Indonesia, and have a big family who valued traditional practices. It was the little things from each of the country that I lived in that eventually stuck with me as I grew up, and therefore defined my personal culture. For example, my first language is English. I spoke that language before I even got to learn Swiss-German and Indonesian, and that is because my mother taught my first words while we lived in the United States. From living in Switzerland, I always say "guten morgen" (good morning in German) every morning to my family because of our routine back when we still lived there. Lastly, how I generally act, how I communicate, and how I perceive things in life are deeply influenced by the Indonesian culture.

Being brought up alongside different cultures made me get a better understanding of the world. It made me become a more open-minded, adaptable, and empathetic person. We live in a society, a big one in fact, with each of every person coming from different backgrounds, holding different values and/or style. I easily understood that my culture alone is not superior, or the "center of the universe" as one would unconsciously see it as. I always hold on to the belief that with the uniqueness every culture has, they are all equally valuable. At the same time, being brought up by many cultures has made me value my ethnic culture even more, especially after coming back to the United States. It gives me a sense of belonging and identity, even in the midst of being a part of a society as a minority.

That being said, even if I had a better understanding of the world and the people around the globe, I still want to learn more. University of Washington is one of the few universities that I know values diversity, and has a wide range of students from different origins that tell different stories and experiences. I hope to be a part of this university after I finish my associate's degree in Whatcom Community College because, again, being accepted into the campus would accomplish my academic and personal goal. Not only will it make myself proud, but it would make my family back in Indonesia proud as well.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Feb 14, 2019   #2
Jasmine, you need to better outline the discussion for your essay. It feels like you are jumping around between prompt topics and just jotting down your thoughts. There is no clear progression and transition between your topics and paragraphs. You have to review the content of the essay in comparison to the prompt topics. That means, you need to outline the essay before you can revise the content. Try to edit the essay in the following manner:

1. List down the prompt question and below then, below every question or discussion instruction, jot down the related response topics you wish to discuss.
2. Cut and paste the sections of your existing essay that will allow you to expand the discussions per instruction / question.
3. Review the responses you have created in comparison with the question / discussion question. Ensure that only relevant response are included.
4. Remove the discussion question outline. Only the relevant responses should remain.
5. Polish the relevant responses into short, informative, and on-point paragraph presentations.

The above method should help you write a shorter and informative response that does not constantly stray from the required discussion points.


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