I love helping people as much as I can, it makes me feel like a better person. I volunteered in many things this past year, but the most campaign that took my full undivided attention was the Breast Cancer Campaign. Brest cancer is the most common cancer in the world. The goal that the campaign tries to achieve is to raise the awareness of women for the possible chances of breast cancer, how to prevent it, early detection and raising money for patients with breast cancer. We try to provide information and emotional support to people who are diagnosed with breast cancer. we created brochures and handed them out to as many people as we could. What I learned from this campaign is the compassion of teamwork and support for people who need it, to show them that they are not alone and we are here to help. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world. It gives me pleasure to watch people smile.
This is very much better than what you wrote before. I can see you can write very well, but I think you still haven't used the right tone for this prompt, which is very important. They need to understand you and you need to tell them about you
Brest cancer is the most common cancer in the world. The goal that the campaign tries to achieve is to raise the awareness of women for the possible chances of breast cancer, how to prevent it, early detection and raising money for patients with breast cancer. We try to provide information and emotional support to people who are diagnosed with breast cancer. we created brochures and handed them out to as many people as we could.
This is my suggestion;
This involvement gave me the opportunity to provide emotional support to the people who were diagonosed with breast cancer. ... Now tell them how it impacted you as a person...Avoid telling things that they already know such as details about breast cancer. You can even tell this through one of your personal experience with a patient. Then your writing would sound more genuine.