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"I'm a really active person"; Westmont C/Extracurricular activities


RyaneBin7 1 / 1  
Feb 25, 2013   #1
Please help me organize my essay, I'm really bad at it. Thank you for your time and help, its really appreciated.
_________________________________________________________________ ______________________

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

My name is Ebtehal Almathami. I'm a really active person , I hate staying at home and doing nothing , that makes me feel lazy and worthless, I like to help people as much as I can , that is my love , it's makes me feel like a better person . I volunteered in many things this year . in October I was a member in a campaign of breast cancer . I really want all women to know all about what is that disease about . and awareness the women about it so they can know and not getting afraid about it . and in summer I volunteered in a summer school in teaching the young kids of the right ways of using the internet and helping the lab teacher to teach them the basic things in computer. I wished that I could do more in volunteering work . but actually there is no time , especially that I'm studying .i used to do tokondoo but know I attend the gym four days a week doing aerobics , running and my most favorite thing at all is swimming . I'm crazy about it since I was young !!

I am currently enrolled at Princess Noura University in the Networsk and communication systems major. I have completed three years here including the preparatory year, which is a requirement for getting into the major. After my preparatory year I was able to choose any major that the university offered due to my high grades. I chose my major based on my interest in it after my preparatory year. I have gained more interest and passion for my area of study. Because of this I have made the decision to transfer from my current university in saudi arabia and study abroad in the US. I want to expand my knowledge and have access to a wider range of information. I enjoy the different disciplines and an open education atmosphere which my university lacks due to it being an all girl university. Another factor is that there are many restrictions on our education with regards to having men teaching us so we have to learn through network conferencing when men are teaching which for me did not work since it was lacking in any hands on experiences and I really want to be challenged and expand my horizens and opportunities on an equal standard. This does not take away that the education that I gained at princess noura university was valuable and challenging which was the main motivation and drive The university still has not graduated its first class and that also makes the academic processes more complicated than most.

if i had the chance to attend westmont it would be a wonderful learning experience . your school offers me all the challenges and opportunities that colleges are supposed to . westmont is my first choice school and i hope that i am able to attend your school next year !
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Feb 25, 2013   #2
Hi Ebtehal,

. I volunteered in many things this year . in October I was a member in a campaign of breast cancer . I really want all women to know all about what is that disease about . and awareness the women about it so they can know and not getting afraid about it . and in summer I volunteered in a summer school in teaching the young kids of the right ways of using the internet and helping the lab teacher to teach them the basic things in computer. I wished that I could do more in volunteering work .

I guess you need to re-do this all over again. Your answer is deviated from what they expect. You need to talk about an extracurricular activity here. In this essay, you barely talk about any activity in detail. Rather you talk about them on surface. Pick one activity and talk about it in detail.

So, first choose the best activity you can talk about and then tell them why it is important to you. Tell them all necessary details and just don't brush through. The link below may provide you with some insight as how to deal with this task;

://collegeapps.about.com/od/essays/tp/Common-Application-Short-An swer-Tips.htm

. but actually there is no time , especially that I'm studying .

... this might put you in trouble and I don't think you need to tell this.
OP RyaneBin7 1 / 1  
Feb 25, 2013   #3
Thank you for your help dumi. I've rewritten the both statement. Please kindly help edit it and changing words more advanced would be a plus.

Your help is very appreciated.

1. Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I love helping people as much as I can, it makes me feel like a better person. I volunteered in many things this past year, but the most campaign that took my full undivided attention was the Breast Cancer Campaign. Brest cancer is the most common cancer in the world. The goal that the campaign tries to achieve is to raise the awareness of women for the possible chances of breast cancer, how to prevent it, early detection and raising money for patients with breast cancer. We try to provide information and emotional support to people who are diagnosed with breast cancer. we created brochures and handed them out to as many people as we could. What I learned from this campaign is the compassion of teamwork and support for people who need it, to show them that they are not alone and we are here to help. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world. It gives me pleasure to watch people smile.

2.Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

I have always had good, logical and spatial intelligence and have enjoyed one thing more than anything else in this world is working with a computer. I'm curious about how a computer works; it steered me into studying Network and Communications Systems in Princess Noura University. I am not the typical Saudi girl that will follow the "chosen path" i.e. to become a medical doctor. That was not something I have had envisioned myself doing- it was not me. I believe everyone has a purpose in life. Everyone has a career path that is fit for them and those who study something they don't like then they will have a miserable life ahead. I did not want that and luckily for me my parents understood and let me decide what is best for me.

But the irony of the situation is that I am a woman in a man's world in the most literal sense possible. I come from a part of the world which is quite different than many places. It is governed and dominated by men and many things that are offered are not readily available for women. Therefore studying Network and Communications Systems in Princess Noura University has become increasing difficult. The major problem that I am facing right now is that there are many restrictions on our education with regards to having men teaching us therefore if a male professor is teaching it is taught through network conferencing. This is an extremely tedious and problematic approach as it lacks any hands on experiences and I really want to be challenged and expand my horizons and gain opportunities on an equal standard. I want to expand my knowledge and have access to a wider range of information. I enjoy different disciplines and an open education atmosphere which my university lacks due to it being an all-girl university. This does not take away that the education that I gained at Princess Noura University. The time that I have spent here was valuable and inspiring. Thus, I want to continue pushing myself and believe an education aboard would really help me achieve my dreams.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Feb 28, 2013   #4
I love helping people as much as I can, it makes me feel like a better person. I volunteered in many things this past year, but the most campaign that took my full undivided attention was the Breast Cancer Campaign. Brest cancer is the most common cancer in the world. The goal that the campaign tries to achieve is to raise the awareness of women for the possible chances of breast cancer, how to prevent it, early detection and raising money for patients with breast cancer. We try to provide information and emotional support to people who are diagnosed with breast cancer. we created brochures and handed them out to as many people as we could. What I learned from this campaign is the compassion of teamwork and support for people who need it, to show them that they are not alone and we are here to help. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world. It gives me pleasure to watch people smile.

This is very much better than what you wrote before. I can see you can write very well, but I think you still haven't used the right tone for this prompt, which is very important. They need to understand you and you need to tell them about you

Brest cancer is the most common cancer in the world. The goal that the campaign tries to achieve is to raise the awareness of women for the possible chances of breast cancer, how to prevent it, early detection and raising money for patients with breast cancer. We try to provide information and emotional support to people who are diagnosed with breast cancer. we created brochures and handed them out to as many people as we could.

This is my suggestion;
This involvement gave me the opportunity to provide emotional support to the people who were diagonosed with breast cancer. ... Now tell them how it impacted you as a person...Avoid telling things that they already know such as details about breast cancer. You can even tell this through one of your personal experience with a patient. Then your writing would sound more genuine.


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