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Admission essay: If I had to choose... I'd go to Thailand.



tasnimf 1 / 2  
Nov 19, 2016   #1
Prompt: You've got a ticket in your hand - Where will you go? What will you do? What will happen when you get there?

The air is crisp as I walk out the airport. The craze of people becomes still. It is time. Finally the day I have been waiting for has arrived. I smile as I take my first step towards my adventure in Thailand.

I may be a mere high school student as of now; however, I can already picture myself walking through the vast streets in Thailand. It is my lifelong dream to wander through every valley, every island, and every mountain there. Thailand is referred to as "The Land of Smiles" due to its renowned environment of friendliness and easy-going dispositions. The country swirls in a sea of ancient and cultural sites, modern attractions, and earthly grounds. Each city has its own unique surprises, such as the longest road in Thailand located at Sukhumvit, the sacred mountaintop temple at Chiang Mai, or islands like Koh Samui which is part of the Thai archipelago], which are guaranteed to keep adrenaline flowing through my body.

The primary reason I want to visit Thailand is not just to explore the wonders, but to experience life there as any Thai resident does. The 'Thailand Summer Program' is a month long curriculum in which students get to explore every sight locations, get lessons in Buddhist meditation, Thai cooking, Muay Thai, elephant riding, and even scuba diving. Of course this program is not just for having fun, but to become engrossed into the deep roots of Thailand. There are days where people will visit ancient locations to learn about the history, days where they drop by different communities to socialize with the members of the community, and days people volunteer to help the poor and sick. The idea of mingling with the Thai society thrills me more than doing the special activities. Being a natural traveler and having a convivial personality encourages me to converse with anyone to gain more knowledge. It is essential to be in touch with the different cultures and genealogy of this world that we live in.

Society's perception of an ideal human being is one who is intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful in the inside and out. Not everyone can reach the point of being ideal, nonetheless, the intention of being ideal to an extent makes a person exceptional. I know that I am nowhere close to being the ideal being, I do not have many reasons to become ideal, but i still strive to be ideal in the smallest, most relative ways possible. Helping those in need can make me ideal, being a sympathetic guide can make me ideal, or simply being a person aware of the differences throughout the world can make me ideal. I believe that taking this opportunity, the chance to travel abroad, will aid in building me further to reach an absolute peak. It will help build myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15385  
Nov 20, 2016   #2
Tasnim, you have really responded well to the prompt with the topic you have chosen and the presentation you used in the essay. However, I believe that the reference to the "Thailand Summer Program" should be made in the opening statement instead of in the middle of the essay. That is because the program is the reason why you will go to Thailand and also, the program is the reason why you managed to get a ticket for the adventure. So it should be at the topmost paragraph with a quick explanation of the program. Say something like:

As a participant in the Thailand Summer Program, I will be gifted with one plane ticket headed to Thailand. As I step out of the airport and the crisp air...

You just need to make a slight adjustment to the opening remarks in order to make it fall into the narrative mode of the rest of the essay. Aside from that slight modification, I don't see the need to revise any other content or presentation in the essay. It is good enough for your purpose and directly addresses the prompt requirement. That is all that the essay has to deliver and it has done so very well.


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