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"living in 'Thailand' ever since I could remember" - admission essay to UM


normnutt 1 / -  
Jun 20, 2011   #1
Hi

I would appreciate if anyone could offer me any criticism

Thank you :D

I have been living in "Thailand" ever since I could remember. Three years ago while I was going to graduate from my junior-high school, I could still remember the exact moment of a timid introverted little girl who was only focused on the same cliché routine of life including attending a whole lots of extra tutoring classes after school. The reason for spending most of the time studying is that she desperately wanted to get accepted from the most prestigious high school in Thailand known as Triam Udom.

Things did not turn out to be a happy ending; I got rejected from the high school. Those brutal moments tortured me nearly to death. I could not speak, eat, drink, or even breathe (no pun intended). It was the perfect time for me to say that that was the end of "my" world. Not long after watching me suffer this vicious pain does my dad start to figure something out. An urgent phone call from his rotary peer fairly distracted me from my collapsing world. My dad told me I was going to the United States of America as an exchange student.

First of all I underestimated that going to USA is somewhat a piece of cake. Not until have I encountered if myself, I realized at the moment as soon as I landed at the airport how coward I was. Being alone by myself in a foreign country did debunk my presumption about America. I could barely speak English at the very beginning and I always told everyone to slow down when speaking. By listening and learning English everyday, I became obliged to speak fluent English in order to communicate with others. The first day at Woodstock high school was tough. There was a pre-test in us-history class. We were assigned to fill out all the states in the map that was given. How could a Thai girl know all of the 53 states in USA despite her native country is the other way around the world? The teacher gave me one extra day to recite all of the states and retake a pre-test the following day. Fortunately due to my determination and hard-working, I received 52 out of 53 states correctly.

After spending one full year at Woodstock,Illinois, I have been taught to be strong and confident. Sharing my Thai culture is an important key to access to others well and efficiently. Unfortunately there is only one year for me to learn other cultures as well as to share my Thai culture. Thus cultural diversity offering by university of Michigan would be the best way that I can continue exchanging culture. Even though we speak different languages, the place like university of Michigan connects us all by embracing all races, ethnicities and most importantly cultures.

Being an exchange student totally renovated the entire prospects of my life. I was not always as confident or passionate as I am today. I am fully grateful for my parents. Both of them offer me this magnificent opportunity which visualizes my goal to be more concrete and tangible. Now I truly know my passion in that I would like to pursue my childhood dream which is studying medicine and becoming a doctor. My friends ask me where I get my strength. I told them I got my strength from within. I am always hunger for learning. I choose to be different from the rest of my high school fellows by taking courage to study in USA. And never will I be regretful of making this decision.

Through communicating with a Thai current student in Thai Student Association in university of Michigan, I am even more convinced of how Umich is the place that suits me best. The unique qualities that attract me include a strong pre-health course, a strong music program that I could possibly major in, plenty of assorted clubs, comfortable atmosphere, effective facilities and most importantly perspicacious professors and teachers. All of above are some examples that I will never be offered from Thai university.

When watching me walking on the stage as a graduate class of 2016, my mom and dad would be seeping away those tears of joy and proudness and realizing that they have made the "right decision" of offering their beloved daughter an invaluable opportunity. The priceless opportunity can somehow convert a timid girl into a successful strong young woman who has been given knowledge enrichment along with countless meaningful life experience from university of Michigan

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 20, 2011   #2
Three years ago while I was going to graduate from my junior-high school, I could still remember the exact moment ofwas a timid introvertedlittle girlcharcter who was only focused on the same cliché routine of life that includinged attending awhole lots ofmany extra tutoring classes after school. ------------ I did these changes with the hope of improving clarity of your message to the reader.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 22, 2011   #3
This is not a good sentence:
I have been living in "Thailand" ever since I could remember. ---It does not makde sense grammatically, and it also is not a very meaningful sentence... just tells where you live. You need to start the essay with a bang, with an excellent sentence.

Three years ago while I was going to graduate from my junior-high school, I could still remember the exact moment of a timid introverted little girl who was only focused on the same cliché routine of life, including attending a whole lots of extra tutoring classes after school. ---I added a comma to this sentence. I think it is more interesting than the previous sentence, but... still, can you separate this into 2 sentences, simplify, and make the meaning clearer?

Things did not turn out to be a happy ending---Oh, this is a great sentence! I wonder if you cna change the sequence of paragraphs so that this sentence appears at the start of the essay. That would be so cool. :-)

I could not speak, eat, drink, or even express myself. breathe (no pun intended). ----A pun is a way of playing with words. That is not really what you did here. Saying you could not breathe is not a good idea. I know what you mean, but ... I needed to change that part a little.

How could a Thai girl know all of the 53 states in USA despite the fact that her native country is on the other side of the world?

...of joy and pride ...

:-)


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