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FSU Admission Essay (confidence and leadership)


Oct 17, 2006   #1
Im don't write well so I really need help before I send this in.

Through my experiences in life, I have grown to understand how a person should conduct himself in front of other people. I feel that the qualities I possess will not only contribute to the university but also the relationships I acquire while attending the university. My determination, confidence, and my leadership ability are just a few of the traits I feel will contribute to the university community.

My determination has proven to be one of my principal qualities. I have assumed that the only way for me to become successful in life is to exceed the expectations of people that have seen what my life situation is. For the most part, this assumption has proven right; everything that I have accomplished has taken another level of determination to get through.

My confidence and leadership qualities have caused me to accomplish more things in school than anything else has. I have used these things to become an authority figure to my friends, pushing them to work hard and present themselves in a mature manner.

To sum it up, I think that my determination, aggression, and leadership qualities will add to the university experience because they will lead me to better relationships with other people.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 17, 2006   #2
Greetings!

Your essay is a good one; you write better than you give yourself credit for. :) I have just a few suggestions.

You might want to re-think using "aggression" as one of your chief qualities. My dictionary says it means "the practice or habit of launching attacks" or "hostile or destructive behavior or actions." Consider words like "self-assuredness," "confidence," or "decisiveness" instead. Try using a thesaurus 'til you find a word that fits.

"how a person should conduct themselves" - "a person" is singular; "themselves" is plural. Say "himself" or "people should conduct themselves."

"some of the plethora of qualifications" is a little wordy and frankly, sounds like you just threw in a big word to impress; same with "prevalent," which isn't quite right there. Also, you mean "qualities" not "qualifications." Perhaps "one of my strongest qualities" would be better.

"this assumption has proven right everything" should be "this assumption has been proven right. Everything . . ."

Just a bit of polishing and your essay will be excellent!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 17, 2006   #4
Greetings!

Yes, it is better -- it is very good! (You may have overlooked "aggression" in the last sentence; I like the way you replaced it with "confidence" above.)

Keep writing like this and you'll have to quit claiming you're not a good writer.

Best of luck in your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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