Good evening everyone. I am applying for transfer to Georgia Tech to become an Aerospace Engineer with the ultimate goal of becoming an astronaut for the NASA Space Program. Using this platform has been very helpful for me. I thank anyone who is willing to take the time to read my essay and make suggestions.
I added a few notes at the end regarding things I did not mention. Also, the essay is over the required 2000 character count. It is 4260 characters total. This was my first draft, so I didn't want to delete anything yet (I noticed that the things I erase are usually the things that the colleges want to hear). I want you to see my first draft and notice what information is useful, and what information is not.
PROMPT: The motto at Georgia Tech is leadership, progress and service. Describe how you have demonstrated this motto over the past three years.
Again, I appreciate any feedback. Here it is:
{BEGINNING OF ESSAY
It was a hot summer day in 2013, and I waited anxiously for the mailman to arrive at my place. He handed me a handful of envelopes, and in it was an immigration letter. I opened it up without hesitation, and there it was, my permanent resident card. Without it, I was not able to go to college right after my high school graduation. I cried. I knew my life was about to change, and that the American Dream was about to become a reality for me. On this same day, I applied at Broward College to begin working on my Associate's Degree. My experience in school and at work has molded me into a leader and given me the abilities to progress and help others succeed.
Starting college was difficult for me. I had not been in school for four years; I was already working full-time and living on my own. I had to adjust my work schedule so I could attend classes. The first term, I received all A's in all of my courses. My International Relations professor noticed how hard I worked and told me, "You are going to do great in your studies. I see how hard you work." I was determined. Likewise, I did the same throughout my college career: sustained a 4.0 GPA up until this day. I also signed up for advanced courses like Chemistry, Calculus I, II, III, and Differential Equations. Whilst working full-time, I achieved great success and received A's in every course. I was determined and felt like nothing could stop me.
Working for Chez Gourmet gave me opportunity to develop into a leader. I was hired as a server and quickly climbed the ladder by becoming the warehouse manager, and recently, I was offered the position of Captain and Event Coordinator. The position is only offered to employees who have been working with the company for 10 years or more and who have extensive leadership capabilities. The owner said to me, "You come up with solutions to issues and implement them without being asked to do so. Taking initiative has been one of your greatest assets, and you will do well as a captain because you have natural leadership qualities and people respect and like to listen to you." Throughout my career, I have given 100% in any position I have been in. These leadership skills helped me become involved in my school and in my community.
I began tutoring at BC during my second semester. I was taking College Algebra and noticed a classmate was struggling with test scores. I offered her my help by staying after class with her and doing homework together. This became a habit and it was then our calculus study group was formed. Many students within the pre-engineering math sequence continue to participate in the group. I lead the group by scheduling meeting times, and I am the one who keeps everyone focused. We would study until the school closed and also on Sundays all day. "Practice makes perfect!" I would say. My classmate, Edward, once said to me, "You motivate me to keep working hard and to study, and that there are no excuses in life." Each of the students knew me personally and learned how hard I worked to achieve great success. I inspired them and each of them attained A's in all of their math courses. We were the top five students throughout the math sequence courses. Not only was I involved with the school as a tutor, but also, I began reaching out to families with kids to tutor them math. I currently tutor two high school students in Algebra and Calculus. It is a very rewarding experience to see them smile when the subject makes sense. It is what keeps me going everyday, to give back to the community by helping others who are struggling.
I see myself headed in the right direction. With the abilities I have acquired, I can say that I fit right in with Georgia Tech's motto of leadership, progress, and service. In order for our society to succeed, we need to improve the human condition. It is my goal to do so by continuing to apply my leadership skills and service in everything I choose to do. The permanent resident card has opened up a door of opportunities that I otherwise would not have back in my home country. It gave me the strength and confidence to make my American Dream come true and to impact the world. I am limitless.
END OF ESSAY}
Here are a few things I did not mention or did not go in depth that could perhaps help my essay:
-Coming to this country from Colombia and learning the English language. How it was a difficulty to adjust to the system. (I think that they see this a lot, so perhaps this doesn't matter)
-A sibling of mine has recently been incarcerated. Dealing with this issue has put a lot of pressure in trying to handle work, school, tutoring services, his incarceration, admission and scholarship applications.
-During college I have been working full-time because I don't have any monetary support. I live alone and have to pay for all of my expenses. My mother makes $8.00 per hour, and I am the one who supports her with money.
-During the last three semesters of college, I have tutored two different students in algebra and calculus. I have gone out of my way to drive to their home, which is 40 minutes away from my house. I do it because I know the struggle, and I wish someone had helped me in the past. That is why I go around asking people if they need help with anything.
- Despite all the above experiences and the many more I did not mention, I survived. I woke up everyday with a purpose: To finish the day on a good note. No matter if it was getting an A on a test, finishing a work task, helping a kid with his homework, resolving an issue at my mother's house, or reuniting money to pay for my sibling's lawyer. I am a natural and strong leader, and I have demonstrated it throughout my whole life. I want a better life for my mother, who always has to worry about paying a bill. I want a better life for myself, where my hard work pays off. I know I have a big future ahead of me, and it is something that everyone I know has to say about me. Everyone from friends to employers to siblings tell me I am the American Dream.
-I am a natural born leader. I took initiative to leave my mother's house to become independent and learn about the world. I designed my own budget list, where I list what my expenses are each month. And by doing this, I was able to reunite enough money to pay my car off. I also have an excellent credit score due to this list which I have used since 2010.
-While living alone and going to college, I have participated in:
-running 7 miles every week.
-I also went to the gym for two years straight at 5am sharp. I mastered a calorie count and learned all about nutrition and how to lose or gain weight. I still go to the gym up to this day despite my schedule.
-I also practice Yoga, which has helped me to become more aware of myself and to become spiritually healthy.
-Also, I began going to church. It has helped me become a kinder person and more family oriented. Also, it has been a tool to be more spiritually connected with a higher power.
I thank you for taking the time to read this. God bless you.
First of all, I was totally inspired by your story, and I have read all the parts of your passage, no matter the formal part or the extra part.
You are right about the thing that the first draft should be as detailed as possible. Once I consulted an agency, and one of the employer helped me. My advice: try to go for some professional services or ask help from somebody who already in Georgia Tech. I am not sure whether you have enough time but I believe it is better to hurry up. After all, you are applying a specific position in a specific institution so that finding what the school really like and trying to fit them are the most important things. Wish you success！ God bless you!
Juan, when you are asked to represent 3 character traits in an essay, never, ever, make the mistake of presenting 3 separate stories for the 3 traits when only one will do. always try to keep the attention of the reviewer on only a single event because if you present one too many events, you will end up with a reviewer who will remember only bits and pieces of your story, without developing a complete picture of who you are after he reads the essay.
That said, you don't need to deliver all of this information to the reviewer, the data you did not include in the essay isn't even required so I do not know why you seem to be worried about not having included those irrelevant data bits from your life. Now, what I would like you to do is concentrate on discussing your work experience at Chez Gourmet. From what I read of that paragraph, if properly developed, your time spent there actually delivers on all 3 required aspects of the prompt. You just need to know how to present it properly.
I definitely think you should revise the essay. This time, consider writing it only from the scenario of your having worked at the restaurant. Think about how your work there more than once allowed you to display the traits. I am sure you will figure it out. By the way, the part about you receiving your permanent residency card, delete that. It is highly irrelevant and does not help your essay in any way. Instead, it shows a prompt deviation from the start which could result in the reviewer not finishing the review of your response.
