UC Prompt #1 - If you were an admission counselor, what would you think?

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.I do not know my father very well. We live under the same roof and enjoy the same television and couch, but we never get a chance to talk. When I leave my home for school, my father is still sleeping in bed, exhausted from working the night before. Many times when I go to sleep, my father is still not home from work. I do not have many memories of my father during childhood, and for the last ten years, my father has been working almost every day and night. Some may describe my father as negligent or irresponsible for not parenting me or guiding me through my adolescence; but I describe my father as dedicated.

The word "dedication" birthed a new meaning in me since my freshmen year when my school was having an open house. Many students came with their mothers and fathers, whereas I came with only my mother. I watched a father ask teachers about his child and how he could help. After that, I wondered why my father was not as involved in my life as other fathers. Then, I had an epiphany: my father was not relaxing everyday; he was working hard to support our family because he understood the importance of the needs of our family and was dedicated in upholding that. And through him, I have learned a new meaning for "dedication": persevering any difficulties for something that is necessary.

From then on, I began to notice my father's dedication more: soon after the open house, my father had to visit the hospital because his back was aching and he could not handle the pain; the next day, even though the doctor advised against it, my father went to work again. Even though he was hurting, he did not give up. That incident inspired me to become dedicated as well and I sought to emulate the dedicated my father showed that day. Now, I find myself staying awake longer to finish school work and to study for upcoming tests and not yielding to sleepiness or my lethargy.

I know that the dedication I learned from my father will help me endure and overcome any obstacles or adversities in life. He taught me that giving up should never be an option, that even when situations seem hopeless, I should still give my best effort. By simply being an example, my father taught me these things and changed me into who I am today. And as I am getting ready for college, I will keep this quality close to me and strive to be an example that may even impart it on others, for this is the greatest quality that I have learned from my irresponsible and negligent, yet "dedicated" father.

Mostly good. Just an editing note: you use the word "father" too much, especially in the first paragraph.

Also: "That incident inspired me to become dedicated" might be changed to "That incident inspired me to dedicate myself to...". It's just that when you say dedicated with out a task or skill or something after, to me it sounds like saying "I decided to become skilled."

Good though.

That really helped. Thank you!

Do you think it answers:
1) How has this shaped me into who I am today?
2) How has this prepared me for college?
3) How has this made me an asset to the school?

Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry but that essay is for essay prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

My parents had high expectations of me throughout my high school career. My brother and my cousins received incredible scores on the SAT, juggled with over five AP classes, and got straight "A's" in their senior years. So, naturally, my parents expected me to be just as successful as them. To my parents, it seemed as if all these incredible feats were of the norm, and they often told me that I could accomplish the same, if not more, as well.

They spoke of it so simply that I was convinced it was easy. However, meeting those expectations soon became difficult and burdensome to uphold, and I found myself struggling. When I would bring home a grade anything less than an "A," my parents would be disappointed because they had anticipated a better score. They would then harangue me on how little I cared about school and how I needed to study more. Although it was discouraging at first, I felt determined to meet those expectations.

While most people would agree that a parent's expectations are undue pressure, for me, it was a positive drive; it was an impetus that helped me to learn how to work harder and push myself to greater degrees. Therefore, instead of giving up on fulfilling those expectations, I often found myself immersed in textbooks and notes in a carrel in a corner of a library, instead of being outside, relaxing with friends. Even though at times I became weary or lethargic, I learned how to push myself for the ultimate goal of fulfilling my parent's expectations.

Whenever my parents or friends asked me about my dreams and aspirations, I could never give them a clear answer because I did not know the answer myself. But now, I realize that my dreams and aspirations are those of my parent's expectations. Because I am always trying to meet those expectations, they become my goals.

As I take my next step into life-college-I will have fulfilled my parent's expectations. And as I grow older, I will become more of an individual and have new dreams and aspirations. In trying to pursue them, I will undoubtedly run into many obstacles and hardships. But I know that because I have learned how to push myself, I will be able to overcome any encumbrances I will face in the future.

Please let me know if there are any grammatical mistakes, if the essay (logically) flows, what I should change/delete/add, and anything else!

Thank you so much in advance~

Good evening :)

Mechanically, don't begin your sentence with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."
I also agree that you use "father" too much; since the essay is about him, it is safe to use "he" or "him" periodically. I would definitely keep it in that closing sentence for emphasis.

I think this prompt answers the first question, but not the other two; you really don't discuss how it has prepared you for college; you have said that you are a harder worker than before, but you should describe in more depth. Never assume your audience knows what you mean. Also, I don't see how this essay answers what kind of asset you will be to the institution; again, don't assume that your reader will presume anything.

In regards to mechanics in the second piece, see my comments above because they apply to this piece as well. Also, "parent's" should be parents'.

In regards to content, I think this piece flows nicely. How do these expectations and accomplishing them make you proud? I think if you acknowledge that question in your answer it will be a great submission.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Well, I think what my college counselor wants us to do is answer the UC prompts, and in the essays, have these three elements:
1) How has this shaped me into who I am today?
2) How has this prepared me for college?
3) How has this made me an asset to the school?

So, for the second prompt:
1) This person has shaped me into a dedicated person.
2) This person prepared me for college by teaching me never to give up when I face obstacles or hardships in college.
3) This person has made me an asset to the school by showing me how to lead by example.

For the first prompt:
1) From my parent's expectations, I was shaped into a person who pushed himself.
2) I am prepared for college because when I come across obstacles or hardships, I will be able to overcome it by pushing myself.
3) Still working on it. :P

The thing is that I don't want to go into depth answering those 3 questions because then I feel that the essay will go off on a tangent, especially for the first prompt.

Thank you so much, Gloria!

Wow; you've got quite the formula! I'm impressed!

Keep up the hard work, you're getting closer!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Do you still think I need to go into depth? Or do you agree that I might be going off on a tangent?
I know I leave a lot of things out. My English teacher always told me that I always assumed the reader knew what was going in my head.

I think that if you begin with single complete sentences that concisely answer the prompt right away, you'll stay on track. For instance, begin one with "This has shaped me into the person I am today by/because..." and then finish the sentence. After you have done that, you can follow up with one or two sentences (if necessary) to further explain. Once you've done that for all of those questions, you can remove the supports (This has shaped me into the person I am today by/because) and see how it stands on its own, and then fill in the gaps from there.

Writing is very much like constructing buildings; you begin with a skeleton, add some supports, work a bit filling it in, remove the supports, see if it stands, fill in the holes, make it stronger, trim away the parts you don't need, put on any adornments and final touches, and then comes the unveiling!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Gloria, I would just like to thank you for all your help. I submitted my application in today after much revision. The essays wouldn't have been that good without your help.

Once again, thanks! :)

Technically speaking your essay does follow the prompt but...to me it seems to be more about your father rather then yourself...

in your first paragraph I suggest you condense down information about your father but write about how you felt...about this....like what kind of child were you with the absense of your father?? in a way how you mention your father working day and night is good.. but what do you feel about that...how has that made you grow up as?

ok after reading essay I suggest you specify. and use few different word choices while maintaining colloquealism/individual self. *cant spell word*/focus on one instance/write more about yourself....USC wants to hear about your change...you as an individual...not completely about your father...

first of all, i would just like to say thank you so much for all the work you just put in

the reason i talked about my father a lot is because he is the external influence

the prompt also asks how that external influence changed my directions
what i am trying to convey is that i was doing bad in school and such and i didnt have any direction in the first place (1st paragraph). but after my father taught me how to be dedicated, i worked hard and made goals and felt like i was headed towards some direction in life.

ok that makes sense ...specify your goals /direction now you want to head towards. i understand that your father is your external influence but make sure you specify your opinions :] so it balances out

its a little more difficult than i had imagined.
truth be told, this is a modified version of my UC essay

didnt think modifying an essay woudl be this hard

I completely understand because my usc essay is a modification of my uc essay too ^^;

I wanted to tel you that this essay still makes your dad seem negligent. You MUST have some opportunities to talk. Even with the busiest work schedule, a father has time to talk meaningfully with you. So, you might want to cut out this sentence:

We live under the same roof and enjoy the same television and couch, but we never get a chance to talk.

Here is an error: He shows me every day that giving up should never be an option; that even when situations seem hopeless, I should still give my best effort.

I guess "never" is too strong of a word.
If I put "we live under the same roof and enjoy the same television and couch, but we hardly have a chance to talk", would it be acceptable?

Much better. I would go with that! Good luck