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"As an adolescent I began to take a destructive path" -Obstacles or bumps in the road

joytierra011 1 / -  
Sep 6, 2010   #1
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

If you would please offer some advices about what is wrong with my essay, grammar,structure, etc. what needs to be corrected? thank you

Many people go through so much everyday but instead of getting down about life we pick ourselves up and move on. Me personally I feel that I had to deal with more than the average child should have to go through. No child should have to wake up in the middle of the night to go look for their mother when their only six years old. Well I did; my mother was addicted to drugs and chose them over spending time with her own children. At the tender age of seven I was taken away from her and put into foster care. From there my sister and I were split up, even though we were joined together again the pain was still felt. December was the month that I moved from Virginia to Florida for any seven year old this would be hard but it was unusually hard for me because I constantly blamed myself for what was going on with my mother. At my age I couldn't understand that what she was dealing with stemmed from something personal within her. As the years went by the image of her inside my head slowly diminished, but as I became an adolescent I began to take a destructive path because all I wanted was someone that cared and someone that wouldn't run out on me. It was a struggle within myself but I quickly realized that my past does not determine my future. And after that epiphany I quickly worked as hard as I could to get as far as I am now. Grasping the fact that every great person had to go through some type of adversity I know that something great and successful will be made out of me. A bump in the road is either an obstacle to be fought or an opportunity to be enjoyed...it is all up to you." -Davet Rayala
kgb66 4 / 12  
Sep 7, 2010   #2
I love your finish here as it tells the admissions office that you are able to face adversity with optimism and determination. You may wish to elaborate on other past examples for this as well, or talk about how this experience relates to your academic career - guess it depends on how much space you have.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 8, 2010   #3
Many people face adversity everyday but instead of getting...---- just an idea for you...

Personally, I feel that I had to deal with more than the average child should have to go through. ...

Hey, this is an important essay, because it will also help other people to see that adversity is common. It will be good if you can also talk about the "bumps in the road" for your mom, and how you can find peace when you understand that life was not easy for her either -- finding out how to feel okay as a person who knows everyone is doing the best they can under their own psychological circumstances. If you complete this by observing that she, like you, had adversity, it will show the reader that you have an enlightened perspective, and it will show your mom that you understand things better than she might think.

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