Please help me out with this essay:
I never really understood what adversity is. I always thought of adversity as the "Berlin Wall" of life. I thought of it as the unbearable obstacle that separates freedom from misery. The guarded border that isolates myself from the world. The gigantic wall covered in bad thoughts, memories, and experiences that always rebuilds itself back up, whenever I knock it down. I've been fighting with adversity, and I never let it take the best of me. Being the daughter of two immigrants, I've experienced pessimism, isolation, bullying, and discrimination all my life. However inside of me, I have this internal fire that keeps me going. No matter how hard these obstacles come, I'll continue to fight it. Yet, not only fight it, but overcome it.
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Hi,
while this essay is generally well-written and your goals are notable, there is a few points that you could change.
First of all, the pessimistic tone of this piece should be alleviated somewhat. While I understand the pain and suffering in being an insecure immigrant with parents who are not overly symphathetic (I have the same problem), and that your essay is centered on the idea of college as the light at the end of the tunnel, the negativity of this piece occupies nearly 6 paragraphs, with maybe 1 and a quarter paragraphs of hope. In other words, it's not well-balanced.
You come off as a depressed, almost-whiny teenager, and however justified you may well be in feeling that way, most colleges want students with the minimal baggage(ie, colleges want students who have clearly overcame diversity, not dragged down by it)
No, that sounds too strong. I've reread your essay, and I have to say, you do have some really miserable excuses for classmates/coaches. Still, to quote Monty Python, "always look on the bright side of life," at least until you'll admitted to college.
Perhaps you should focus on your dreams of being a journalist more? I completely emphathize with your reasons for becoming a journalist. I even thought of(but have not actually started) a Princeton supplement essay centered around the Neil Gaiman quote:
"These people need to know who we are and why we're here"
which I think you can identify with.
Your actual writing is pretty darn good, though there's a few minor things you could tighten up:
I always thought of adversity as the "Berlin Wall" of life. I thought of it as the unbearable obstacle...
could be changed to:
I always thought of adversity as the "Berlin Wall" of life, the unbearable obstacle that...
oh, and "yet" should be changed to "yes" in the first paragraph.
___
PLEASEhelp me edit my essay.
Draconlord,
Thank you so much! That really helped a lot. I wanted to know if I sounded pessimistic or not.
Not sure, If I'm a good writer though, haha.
Anyone else: Please, help?
Your essay is really awesome with good focus, could you please go through my essay.
This is my moment to shine. a minor error. Your essay is great! But since it's a little bit long, I think you can try to delete the redundant sentences by reading from the beginning to the end. Good luck! future Harvard girl~
It's quite rude of you to post for help in other people's threads
without helping them at all. Anyway, I've read your essay and I felt it was quite a disheartening story.
I remember when I would feel embarrassed to bring my own mother to class to read to us.
If you help someone else out with their essay, I'm sure he/she will be more than happy to help you out with yours. You should take this into consideration! Good luck with your essay. :)
You come off as a depressed, almost-whiny teenager, and however justified you may well be in feeling that way, most colleges want students with the minimal baggage
BANG ON.
Sarah... life is well, something like a circle. Maybe some flowers bloom early and some late.... you maybe the late bloomers.
Okay, even though you have mentioned that you have fire and strength.... can't feel it in your writing.
The beginning is useless. There is no substance and its just decorative words. These are only used in speeches not essays. Start positive and end positive. Let me see a little of your character. Admission committee is going to reject you because you are not an asset to their college community.
Like I write many reviews where I ask the writer to compare themselves against somebody who is cheerful, witty, sensible and positive. You should write about your passions( EG: Animals or something)... then write about your background like your culture and your parents.... {just a few lines to show who you are and why you are different.... even ordinary is different :) }
Your major.... why do you want to do this... what have you done substantial like articles, journals, camps, something that proves that what you say and want to do is not mere faffing in air but your dream.
One para should be your past which should also show that I have faced challenges and I am ready for the challenge of the college. ONLY ONE PARA NOT A WORD... OR EVEN A LETTER MORE.
DO NOT SAY YOU ARE
If I'm a good writer though, haha.
NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A CREDIT FOR THAT. IF YOU DO NOT THINK YOUR WORTHY THAN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ADMISSION COMMITTEE TO THINK THAT. Change your attitude towards life and then it would reflect in your writing.
REVAMP THE ESSAY. This would be given even a thought by A.C. in places like CHICAGO, HAVARD and so on. Remember, you must make them happy.... even if things have to be altered completely. Hope this helps and post up a new personality... okay... ;)
donrocks- care to edit my essay? Columbia app is due in, like, 12 hours.
sarahharvard- donrocks is a bit harsh, but rewriting your essay is a good idea.
I'm sorry you're right. I was in a panick, plus I posted these threads around 1 am.
I'll be more than happy to help.
I see your point, I didn't completely rewrite my essays. But I did add some parts, and deleted some as well.
Here are the edited paragraphs:
I had to face the brutality freshman year, when my high school swim team coach scratched me from Sectionals with no explanation. He had no excuse to scratch, which devastated me because I was seeded first and would have made it to state finals. I had to face the brutality for four years when my former club swim team coach would cheer on other swimmers to beat me. I had to face the brutality this year when someone anonymously posted a question on Formspring asking me to kill myself and to go back where I came from. I remember it all; but in truth, it has no negative effect on me. With my internal fire from the brutality, my achievements in swimming has led me to be recruited from vast number of Division I, II, and III universities. I also ranked top sixteen in the entire state, top twenty-four in the entire Midwest, and competed in national level competitions. All the brutality I faced, has given me strength, power, and the will to succeed.
Although I have been in America for fourteen years, I never felt that I truly adapted to American society. I still feel different. Of course I wear the same brand of clothes, listen to the same type of music, and watch the same type of movies as my friends. I still feel that I am still in this state of isolation. My family's strict ideologies have never let me attend school dances, football games, or go on dates. Although I still wish to be able to experience the typical American customs, I discovered ways to be part of the American community. I educated my peers about diversity and the importance of being involved. I created my own organization called, "Be The Change" to fundraise for Haiti earthquake victims. I am currently in the process of starting a Model UN charter, as well as, a Human Rights club at my high school. I write articles for my school paper, and The Chicago Tribune's The Mash, to bring awareness amongst my generation on the importance of acceptance, freedom, and liberty. Through my efforts, I feel that I am America.
This is my moment. This my moment to shine and prove myself to all those who doubted me wrong. I am willing to put in every effort to reverse the adversity I have experienced. I want to prove to those who have mocked me because of my differences that I am somebody. I want to prove to my former swim coaches that I will succeed in the pool; that I will swim in the intercollegiate level. I want to prove to my family that the world is not grey, cold, and brutal. I want to show them that the world is vivid, warm, and filled with endless possibilities. I want to prove to my parents that I am talented, can be successful in the journalism field, and that my appearance does not matter at all. America is accepting, and continues to be my land of opportunity. I want to prove that I can overcome the obstacles in life. Most of all, I want to prove to myself that I am triumphant.
^I made grammar corrections
Let me know what you think, thanks!
I remember when I would feel embarrassed to bring my own mother to class to read to us.
Check your grammar!
Hi. Mind editing my essay? pretty please?
This essay is certainly better than the last, but:
Model UN charter, as well as, a Human Rights club at my high schoolshould be
Model UN charter as well as a Human Rights Club at my high school
Through my efforts, I feel that I am America.
Unclear as to your intent. If you feel like saying that your efforts made you feel like you're an American, well, just say it. If you wish to make the extended metaphor that you personify the attributes of America, you have to be clearer about it...
Also, editing the earlier paragraphs wouldn't be a bad idea.
alright, thanks! After all your help, of course I'll help you edit your essay.
I faced brutality freshman year, when my high school swim team coach scratched me from Sectionals with no explanation. He had no excuse to scratch, which devastated me because I was seeded first and would have made it to state finals.
wording here is a bit awkward..maybe: when my high school swim team coach scratched me from Sectionals with no explanation, this devastated me. He had no reason to scratch me from the race, I was seeded first and would have made it to state finals
yeah, that makes a lot more sense. thanks!