I am filling out the CommonApp transfer application and have one sentence I need to include, but the way I wrote it seems good when I read it once, then seems odd when I read it again. Could someone post some quick feedback, I actually need this finished by tonight.
Here it is:
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I eventually concluded that one of the integral parts of American, even global history that has stood the test of time, been an aid in developing the world as we know it today and has no foreseeable end as long as mankind exists would be my eventual degree pursuit, Business Administration it was.
I had to read it through twice before understanding what you meant to say; it's awkward. Here's my suggestion for the revision.
I eventually concluded that my eventual degree pursuit, Business Administration - one of the integral parts of American, even global, history - has stood the test of time, been an aid in developing the world as we know it today and has no foreseeable end as long as mankind exists.
The only problem is that the revision and the original don't have *quite* the exact same meaning. In the revision, you come to a conclusion about business admin, but in the original, you conclude that the answer that fits all of the qualities you described *is* business admin. Also, I'm not sure if the sentence is "parallel." Sorry I can't help more.
i agree with the top poster.
My own writing of this passage.
I eventually concluded that as one of the integral parts of America, my future area of study, Business Administration, has no foreseeable end as long as mankind exists; beyond the trials of history, it has aided in the development of the world as we know it today.
Might have errors in regard to use of commas, not too sure :s
Wished someone would read my essay though :|
~Wuskin
Wuskin's revision isn't bad. However, the sentence itself is so replete with hyperbole that you should probably cut it altogether, revised or not.
Before ripping the forum apart with several new threads which are about the same thing, I'll add my question here ^^
I posted already my statement in this forum (plz look over it again and tell me what I might have to change -
https://essayforum.com/undergraduate/application-statement-engineer-avionics-8535/ ) and I`m missing a so-called linking phrase which has to express what is the reason for me to study engineering ....I just want to make my interests and hobbies to be part of my job ...but how can I write this?
Be so kind to help me
Thanks
C.
The top reviewer's revision makes the sentence much more concise and less confusing/wordy. I started to edit it, and then realized mine was similar their there's, so go with that sentence!
