Hello! I am working on my common app essay to (hopefully) transfer schools, and I would appreciate any and all constructive criticism! I have put tremendous effort into my essay, but I feel as if it doesn't flow properly, something is still missing, and my conclusion is nonexistent. Any and all opinions will be appreciated!
Notes:
My reason for transferring is my lack of intended major at my current institution - this is perhaps the prime thing I wish to get across.
There is a word limit of 650 (*cries*)
Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
"Ku waso qaniisyahow!" These were the words that were yelled at me as I walked home from a Youth Parliament meeting in Mogadishu, Somalia. Said in Somali, ku waso qaniisyahow roughly translates to "Fuck you, faggot." No doubt this insult was a result of my constant advocacy for LGBTQ rights, especially for youths, during weekly Youth Parliament meetings. This wasn't the first time I had experienced an incident such as this; the summer prior, while interning at the Ministry of Legal and Parliamentary Affairs in Egypt, two men on motorcycles threw rocks at me while I walked back to my host's house, primarily because I was advocating for LGBTQ rights there as well. These incidents never fazed me, however. Instead, I used these incidents to reinforce my goal to introduce policies and initiatives that would protect and secure the rights of LGBTQ individuals in North African, Middle Eastern, and South Asian countries.
Drexel University has imparted on me numerous gifts and opportunities: a dedicated faculty, challenging courses, and innumerable extracurricular activities. My fellow peers have been a truly diverse crowd, exposing me to cultures and traditions I would have never known about had it not been for Drexel's diverse student body. However, I cannot fully utilize these gifts and experiences, for the focal point that I must use to build upon these opportunities is missing; my desired major. I came into Drexel as an accelerated Physician Assistant program candidate, believing that, though I had tremendously enjoyed my governmental internships in Pakistan and Egypt, healthcare was the field that I wanted to embark on, and that I could eventually receive a second Masters in African, Middle East, and South Asian studies later on. My parents also played a role in my coming to Drexel as a Physician Assistant program candidate, as they dreamed for me to go into Healthcare, and I put aside my interests to fulfill their dreams. However, after my internship at the Youth Parliament of Somalia, I realized that even though I may enjoy science courses and medicinal studies, my true and indefinite passion lies within the fields of African, Middle Eastern, and South Asian studies. I wish to learn about the various cultures, people, and ideas that encompass these regions of the world, along with understanding their views towards LGBTQ individuals, and why they hold such views - is it religious, or does it have to do with their upbringing? Besides my internships in Pakistan, Egypt, and Somalia, my diverse ethnic background has also played a tremendous role in my infatuation with African, Middle Eastern, and South Asian studies, as I ethnically hail from Somalia, Morocco, and Pakistan. I've always yearned to learn more about these regions of the worlds, especially from a point of view other than my parents.
Besides lacking my intended major, I have no other complaints about Drexel. I have been able to smoothly transition into college life, and I have been met with enthusiastic professors willing to help at a moment's call, a diverse and friendly student body, extracurricular clubs and activities that cater to every type of student imaginable, and courses that serve to expand my breadth of knowledge. At Drexel, I am involved in the African Student Association, Muslim Student Association, and Pakistani Student Association, and am in the midst of starting a Middle Eastern and Arabic club. At my new school, I hope to be just as involved as I am at Drexel, plus some more; I wish to also join the newspaper editorial team, along with a Gender-inclusive fraternity, should my new school have one. In addition, I also hope to major in African, Middle Eastern, and/or South Asian Studies, and perform research on LGBTQ youths in these regions of the world with a faculty member. Finally, at my new school, I hope to be intellectually challenged and surrounded by fellow students who inspire me to work hard everyday.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this, I look forward to you opinions and critique's!
Best,
Hop3ful
Fazeel, I don't know what happened but most of the essays I read so far today is absolutely capable
for submission but the conclusion is the one that is not so strong or not helping the essay at all.
I think what happens is that, your doing so good in the body and the overall essay but not with ending
the essay, it's like you want to add more but it's conclusion already and you're confused on how to do it.
Having said that, here's what I suggest for your conclusion.
Conclusion
- Besides lacking my intended major, I have no other complaints about Drexel.( this is not necessary )
- I have been able to smoothly transition smoothly into college life,
- and I have been met with enthusiastic professors willing
- to helpassist me at a moment's call,
- At Drexel, I amwas involved in the African Student Association,
- Muslim Student Association, and Pakistani Student Association,and several other association and
- am in the midstprocess of starting a Middle Eastern and Arabic club.
- At my new school,With your institution, I hope to be just as involved as I am at Drexel, plus some more;
- Finally, at my new school,More importantly, I hope to be intellectually
- challenged and surrounded by fellow students who inspire me to work harder everyday.
There you have it Fazeel, the confusing part of your conclusion is the fact that you still associate the previous institution to the target one, at this point of the essay
you should be able to establish the eagerness to be as successful as you are from the previous one.
I hope my remarks helped.
Depending on where you are wanting to transfer to will play a big part in how well your essay needs to be written.
On a cursory glance, your opening paragraph is certainly interesting enough, but I'd consider cutting it down to improve upon your body paragraph which is really where you should have your most important content. Also, consider shortening the phrase "African, Middle Eastern, and South Asian studies" by making your own acronym or taking an acronym from another college i.e. Columbia's "MESAAS", as the long repetition really detracts from the flow of your essay.
As you want to focus on the reason that your current institution lacks your desired major, you should consider splitting your body into 2 parts. One describing your past major and the reasons you want to change (shorter part), two expanding on the reasons that you want to study the new major (longer part). Again, your body paragraph is the most important part of your essay, so you really want to get the message out about why you want to study the new major.
In your concluding paragraph, you have no need to restate all that went well at Drexel seeing as you have already stated them above in your second paragraph. You can simply nod to Drexel that your time there has been great, but when you praise your current institution so much, it does not make it look like you have a real desire to leave despite lacking your desired major (especially considering many change their majors many times throughout college, but you cannot easily change how you feel about the college). And again, you shouldn't talk about all the things you were involved in at Drexel, especially since you've probably listed them before in the activities section of your Common App - a simple notion that you were very involved and would like to get involved at a new institution would be fine.
When I read through your essay, it reads very much more like a listing of things rather than a flowing essay. When I compare your first paragraph, which is a nice anecdotal tale that ties into the theme of your essay, to your second paragraph which seems to list the things that were great about Drexel, the reasons that you chose to attend Drexel, and the reasons you want to switch majors. You want to write your essay in such a way that you explain these reasons, but through showing rather than simple stating. For example, if you didn't particularly enjoy the sciences you might reference that you lamented over learning about negative feedback loops or oxidation reduction reactions. Then you might transition into saying how you sat in on a lecture about Egypt and their social constructs and relate how interesting it was and how immersed you felt. However, you really need to find a way to not just state your reasons but come up with a way to tell them, almost story-like.
Hope this helps!
