"The agricultural leadership" - STANFORD-intellectual vitality-beef production

Prompt: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging

OK So here is my "unique approach" - I would love suggestions on how to make it better :)

The agricultural leadership conference involved a tour of a successful ranch. While the majority of my peers were drawn to calves playing in the corrals, I was drawn to the microscope in the far corner of the barn. I walked towards the table, leaned down to the lens, and squinted. Suddenly, the ranch manager appeared and stated that I was looking at a new embryo transplant from the best cow on the farm. That moment sparked my most enthralling research.

The embryos from the champion cow were intended to ...

I would consider replacing the first sentence for something slightly more interesting.. The beginning of an essay is always supposed to grab your attention right away. The rest of the essay I found to be well-written and intriguing.

However, the sentence "That moment sparked my most enthralling research" is worded somewhat awkwardly.. Your research project? Or perhaps it was some very enthralling research?

If you have the time please take a look at my essay for Stanford as well. [:

Thank you both so much. I thought some wording was weird - but I've read it so many times I couldn't figure out how to improve it and still use 250 words. I will check out your essays now

Good job! I really liked this. It definitely tells a lot about you.
As far as grammar goes, I couldn't really find anything.

You do, however, need a comma after before the "and" in your last sentence. :)

Best of luck!

OK Here is the revised esay - I'm not sure if I post here or new thread since I just started using this website- but here it goes:

There is nothing wrong with being "born in a barn." In fact, that's pretty high-tech nowadays. This was proven during an agricultural leadership conference which involved a tour of a successful ranch. While the majority of my peers were drawn to the calves playing in corrals, I was drawn to the microscope in the far corner of the barn. I walked towards the table, leaned down to the lens, and squinted. Suddenly, the ranch manager appeared and stated that I was looking at a new embryo transplant from the best cow on the farm. That moment sparked my most enthralling research.

The embryos from the champion cow were intended to be placed in other animals in order to enhance the herd and attract more buyers to the genetics. This new technique has been crucial for increasing profit and improving beef quality in the industry. I was immediately intrigued by this practice, and I began researching the connections between science and agribusiness. I was fascinated by genetic engineering and constantly read current events involving the subject.

Just as the ranchers had taken their business into their own hands, I had taken my learning into mine. I enhanced my learning by acting upon an interest and researching information outside of a set school curriculum, simply because I wanted to learn more. I have come to realize that I am only as educated as I strive to be, and only I have the power to pursue my own passion of learning.

-quotes not needed


-"it's" instead of "that's"


"proven to me..."


-Between these two sentences, it would be good to describe what you saw.


-"placed into other cows"


-i don't think that saying the buyers were attracted to the genetics is necessarily correct. you can't actually see genetics, which is a scientific discipline. you can't see genes either, just the phenotypic effect of them. you should probably cut out the "enhance the herd" part and just put "...in order to attract buyers to the genetically-enhanced herd."


-what did you learn as a result of this research? include it in the essay.

I think that it is a pretty good topic. The thing is that at the end you kind of venture off topic and start talking about yourself. That is not what the prompt asks for. You need to talk about what your thoughts on the subject and why you find it intellectually engaging. I don't think that venturing off into talking about your want to learn is a good idea. The one thing that you do not want to do when you write an essay is go off topic, no matter what.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
Read mine?

i like the concept of the essay, but i feel like some parts are cliche. i like the message you're trying to send with the conclusion, but maybe reword it?

and the part about current events, once again i understand your intention but it sounds a little forced, like you're trying to impress the adcoms. just my two cents :)