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AIRPLANES AND I - Common Application Prompt 5



vinhnguyen0718 2 / 6  
Dec 25, 2016   #1
Hi everyone. I am writing the essay for Common Application, the fifth prompt:
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, which marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Please read for its content, cohesion and the flow. I will proofread for grammar mistakes, so you don't need to concern about it.
Thank you. I will appreciate your help

My first time



"Are you traveling alone?", said the woman with utter surprise and curiosity. "Y...e...", I could not finish when, suddenly, everything immersed in darkness, and rain splattered. Such a bizarre feeling was that: I was pushed ahead, then fiercely accelerated in the total darkness, and an unexpected thud... much like years ago, the day my father and I were on that roller coaster. But now, beside me sat a strange woman whom I had just got to know, together leaving the small city for something big. "Flight VN-024 has successfully taken off". The rain stopped. - "Yes, I am"

It was the first time I traveled by airplane, the first time I traveled out of my hometown, and the first time I traveled 500 miles away from home: I took the SAT. Looking through windows, still I could see nothing but the grumbling engine. Vagueness rushed into the cabin: how were I supposed to do upon landing? Could I navigate in a complete-alien airport I have never visited? Should I wait for a cab to approach or should I go find one? What if I were kidnapped by the taxi driver?... All those thoughts hung in suspense.

Never have I been baffled by such uncertainty. One year ago, I was still a teenager sitting at the back enjoying my trip to the campsite. I had no such idea as what to bring for lunch, whether to bring an extra sleeping bag, or even how to deal with a surprise bear. Perhaps cry and pray god? My parents had covered them all. At best, the most I could do was sitting in position and causing no problem. It was a lighthearted mission.

Back to reality, time had passed. There came my flight. Fortunately, everything went smoothly as opposed to previous uncertainty. Despite almost being dominated by anxiety, throbbing heart, and trembling voice, I managed to ask as many people as possible. The fact that I am voluble unexpectedly helped me. It was not until I were exposed to such situation that I learned how to ask for help without feeling embarrassed.

Having found a hostel after a long journey, my exhausted body insisted on falling into a lifetime slumber, but his master was piled up with too many perplexing thoughts. He had bumped into so much new majestic things that day to notice his slave's desperate beg. And no, "You must get up early for the examination", I reminded myself, sounded like that feminine high-pitch voice at home.

The next morning, instead of reluctantly getting up by mom's calling as usual, I unconsciously hit the alarm clock till its plangent sound vanished into thin air. I certainly knew what to do: instead of savoring the omelet prepared by mom, I had to cook, all by myself, before 7 o'clock. "How can mom even get up that early to prepare breakfast for the whole family, every single day?", I wondered not in astonishment but in shame.

Logically speaking, with fully-developed dexterity and intellectual capability, I was beyond able to cook for myself long ago, so why did not I do it then, let alone other household chores? Why was I such a dependent and futile guy? Only by being in this situation did I realize what I had taken for granted. Unless I comprehend and change, I will never grow out of myself and forever be a big child.

500 miles was not a long distance, but no one would drive and wish me the best. Only I and myself: "You are going to make it" - "I will". With a confident smile, I betook myself to the test room, having realized that I had to become more mature from then on.

After exploring HCM City and myself, I took the flight home. Turns after turns, the airplane made its landing. However, there is an airplane spreading its wings, ready for its next flight: where would it go now?

kc1099 6 / 21  
Dec 25, 2016   #2
I like the imagery in the beginning paragraphs, but I think that you should work on making the introduction flow a little more smoothly. I was a bit confused when you added the "the day my father and I were on that roller coaster" thought.

Also, in the second paragraph, I was confused when you said "I took the SAT" after listing all of your first times. Were you flying to another state for the purpose of taking the SAT? You should be more clear on that. Hope these suggestions were helpful!
OP vinhnguyen0718 2 / 6  
Dec 25, 2016   #3
@kc1099
Yes, I took the SAT at another city. I will try to make these two easier to follow. Thank you
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15370  
Dec 25, 2016   #4
Vinh, you have one too many subplots being discussed in an essay that only wants you to prove one thing. That you have already managed to transition from child to adult prior to your entry into college. The whole reason for this prompt is to prove that you have some sort of adult abilities such as being able to take responsibility for your actions, facing consequences of negative actions, or being able to handle yourself in a situation where normally, you would have your parents supporting you as you try to work out a solution to your problem. Basically, you need to discuss only one topic and not a multitude of topics within one essay. That said, the focus of this essay should be on how you took responsibility for yourself, the flight, taking the exam, and going back home without meeting any obstacle or problems along the way. If you did meet any problems, then you should have discussed how you solved it alone.

The only missing element in this essay is the acknowledgement from your parents, elders, or community that what you did was something that could be considered "adult" already and as such, earned you some sign of respect from the elders in the community or your family and / or the bestowing of additional, adult responsibilities on your part due to your proven maturity. If you can add a closing paragraph that contains such a reference, and remove the non-essential aspects of the essay as I indicated, then your essay can enter the final review for content and prompt responsiveness.
OP vinhnguyen0718 2 / 6  
Dec 27, 2016   #5
@Holt
Thank you very much for your suggestions.
I have been thinking about it a lot lately but I have come with no idea how to fix my essay. I can add the perspective of my parents after my journey, but I cannot decide which paragraphs to delete and how to fill those holes with new ones. I think the "airplane journey" is just lengthy in nature and everything I did somewhat reflected my growth to an extent, so I cannot wrap it in a short description. It's my opinion.

However, during that time, I have come up with a whole new essay (still of prompt 5) and I don't know whether it works. Could you please review that essay for me? I know I changed my mind, but it because I can't think of any way to fix my airplane essay :((
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15370  
Dec 27, 2016   #6
Vinh, when you are not sure about what you wrote or if you feel that you cannot fix the essay, it is alright for you to write a totally new one based on the same prompt. It is actually expected of you when developing college essays. When something is not working, you have to try all avenues in order to improve the work you are doing. Don't worry about it. I am not angry. I am happy that you were honest enough to come out and say that you can't make the essay work for you. So go ahead, develop the new essay and post it as a new thread. Do not attach the new essay here. Remember, we have a one essay per thread policy so the new essay needs to have its own thread. You can have this thread closed if you want to.


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