Alex and Su essay (the Monkey King and Alexander the Great) common app

describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influences

-Hi im finished with my draft but i need some outside input. Also did i answer the question enough in my last paragraph? Thanks!!

Of the variety of characters I have read about and watched on TV, two significant figures stand out that have made an influence in my life. One is known for being cunning, powerful and immortal, holding the ability to morph into 72 objects. The other is acknowledged as one of the greatest military leaders of all time, leading undefeated armies to conquer most of the known ancient Greek world. They are Su Wukong (also known as the Monkey king) and Alexander the Great, both shares a common characteristic of ambition a value I emulate.

During my short visit to South Korea a few summers ago, I was immersed into a new culture and language while site seeing in Seoul. I instantaneously became inspired to learn as much as I can about Koreas rich culture; the mirrored affect took place for Japanese. Learning languages and studying culture has always been my passion since I was young; having Thai and Chinese influences from my parents.

I grew up with a diverse background; my favorite activity that practiced my Thai heritage would have been Thai dancing. I remember practicing every week for the anticipated performance that would be broadcasted on Thai TV, dedicated to the Queen of Thailand's birthday. For my Chinese roots, my dad has been teaching me to speak Mandarin and Cantonese more fluently and in the process we have formed a strong father and daughter bond.

At times studying foreign languages and intensive dance practices felt over whelming. However it can't compare to how daunting it is planning to conquer an empire that doubles the size of ones own, or challenging powerful deities for a place in heaven. That is why I look up to the successes of Alexander and Su Wukong because they're examples of the heights self ambition can take you. It took one aspiration of a young Macedonian prince to become one of the world's greatest conquerors; it took one aspiration of a monkey born from a rock who wanted a place in heaven become one of the most worshiped gods in China; and it takes the aspiration of a young girl to pursue her passion of languages to become a successful multilingual woman in the future. That is why I believe (name of school) would be able to guide me to success and provide me with an experience unique from all the others.

Good afternoon :)

It doesn't look like you relate your piece to these two influences past your first paragraph. It almost seems like you've got three separate essays here; make sure you are linking your paragraphs with common threads throughout so that it becomes one fluid piece. For instance, what do either of these figures have to do with learning foreign languages? How can you relate them to this task?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Hi, im kind of confused i did try to relate it back in the last paragraph saying how the characters relate to me by having ambition. And the 2nd to 3rd paragrapg i tried to link them by introducing the influences and going into detail about the. Can you please explain more of the non-relation becuase i dont realy see it.

Thanks

Into detail about what? What is "the?"

I think that if you clarify (such as you did in this posting) the association it will be easier for your readers.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Monkey king essay (new version)

Hello, well I decided to rewrite my essay with more of a concreate example
( as suggested), please tell me what you think.

Thanks!!!

describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influences ************************************************************ ****

"Saih maht geanguh", translated as why should I be scared from Chinese is my hero Su-Wukong's (also known as the monkey king) influential motto. I remember as a child my popo would replace bed time stories by telling me the adventurous tales of Su-Wukong, highlighting his courageous bravery and cunning nature. My admiration of Su-Wukong has remains incessant since childhood, in many ways his acts of diligence and confidence significantly influences the evolution of my love for studying languages.

Born from a rock and nourished by the elements of earth Su-Wukong received instruction from Subodhi the elitist see-phoo for training the offspring of gods. Upon Su Wukong's completion of his training he was able to transform into 72 various objects, cloud travel and summersault great distances. During his journey to the west Su-Wukong uses his golden rod to protect his master from yew-guays.

At first my language influences primarily came from my parents, Thai from my mammah and Chinese from my babbah. Although the tables turned upon entering school, instead of my parents now cryptic people are pressuring me to start speaking this new language, English. I loathed my teachers for keeping me after school to practice English, yet not as much as being omitted from four-square games or swinging by myself. Influenced by Su-Wukongs experience through fa-soat school and partly because my swing became labeled "Out of service", I became determined to improve my loner status. At fa-soat school Su-Wukong also held the loner status, due to his lack of human communication skills holding the vocabulary of Ooh-ooh-ah-ah's. Su-Wukong didn't want the language barrier to suppress his ability to make friends so he studied the human languages diligently. Eventually Su-Wukong perfected the human language and became accepted amongst his peers coinciding with my changed reality.

In middle school, English was not a barrier anymore enabling me to explore extracurricular activities, from volleyball, step team, NJHS and choir. From the variety of activities I participated in, choir challenged me with a new language, only this time it was not a set back it was something looked forward to conquer. Being assigned a French solo to be sung at the annual U.I.L contest, I underestimated the language of love and spent many hours practicing in hopes it will improve my chances. Again it was Su-Wukong's bravery that I chose to emulate; the Monkey king used his barefaced confidence to get what he wanted a golden rod from the ocean dragon, the same tactic won what I wanted a gold medal at the U.I.L solo competition.

Now half way through my third year of high school my interests in languages have bloomed into studying Korean Hangeul, Japanese hiragana and the Chinese dialects. Reminisce back on how my love of languages began, firstly as an obstacle overcame with diligence, secondly as stress extirpated through confidence and lastly what it is presently amusement from a favorite pastime. Su-Wukong's influence taught me the importance of diligence and confidence required when studying languages.

I applaud your extra effort. When you feel inspiration come over you, always use it!

Put the comma inside "" marks:
"Saih maht geanguh," translated as..

you need a comma here:

Born from a rock and nourished by the elements of earth, Su-Wukong received instruction from Subodhi the elitist see-phoo for training the offspring of gods.

Among the variety of activities in which I participated, choir challenged me the most because I was learning a new language; this time, it was not a setback. It was something looked forward to conquer.