Prompt
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Over the past years Ethiopia has gone through drastic economic problems that left the country in poverty. Being a third world country Ethiopia's rich history and contributions are lost and become irrelevant compared to the famine and deaths weakening the nation. To the media and western world it's the face of starvation and hunger. Knowing this my parents including many other left the country in hopes of rising a new generation well educated to save the country from poverty. Although Ethiopians stressed the importance of education, they lacked the technology and resources to enforce it. Unable to fully educate their children at home they looked to an economically developed country as a source. They believed America gave children education opportunities far greater from those back home. Willing to sacrifice everything for their children's benefits, they migrated to a new country.
[...]
Over the past years, Ethiopia has gone through drastic economic problems that have left the country in poverty. Being a third world country, Ethiopia's rich history and contributions are lost and have (really try to stick to one tense) become irrelevant compared to...
To the media and western world, it's the face of starvation and hunger. Knowing this, my parents, including many other, left the country in hopes of rising"establishing" maybe? a new generation well educated ...
These are just a couple of corrections. You're really missing a lot of commas in necessary places and there is a lot of very awkward word choices. Try rereading it and see how it sounds in your head.
Edited
Over the past few years, Ethiopia has gone through drastic economic problems that have left the country in poverty. Ethiopia's rich history and contributions are lost and have become irrelevant in comparison to the famine and the deaths weakening the nation. To the media and the western world, Ethiopia is the face of starvation and hunger. Knowing this, my parents, along with many others, left the country in hope of establishing a new educated generation to save the country from poverty. Although most Ethiopians stressed the importance of education, they lacked the technology and resources to enforce it. Unable to fully educate their children at home, they looked to an economically developed country as an alternative. They believed America gave children educational opportunities far greater than those in Ethiopia. Willing to sacrifice everything for their children's education, Ethiopian parents migrated to a new country.
Although I spent most of my life in the US, my parents never allowed me to lose sight of my Ethiopian identity. Even after witnessing the problems the country faced, they were optimistic and had a strong sense of nationalism. Culture and respect have always been reinforced in my life, my parents never let me forget the life and beauty of my nation. No matter how the media put portrayed Ethiopia, they always pointed out the positive aspects. Despite the corruption they saw, hope was never lost. My parents continuously remind me of the reason they came to America; so that I can one day help fix my country's problems. The value they placed on my education helped me understand my responsibilities in life. Every Ethiopian immigrant knows the hardships we face in society because we are foreigners, forced to live in a society that converts our idealistic way of life. Our parents would constantly remind us of the sacrifices they made, giving up their luxurious lives in Ethiopia just to live in the lower class and have small income job all for our education. These reminders are what keep me fuel my drive to excel. I have no excuse not to be the hardest working person in my class knowing what my family went through just so that I could have this chance. Being Ethiopian and the responsibilities that come with it, was the virtue of my success.
Even when I occasionally forget what it means to be Ethiopian, I was lucky enough to have a teacher who reminded me. When we make mistakes, Mrs. Kezh would say to me and the rest of my Ethiopian classmates, "Don't forget you're Ethiopian". She was aware of our strict and conservative culture and the value we have towards for our education and educators. From a young age, we are taught education is a rare jewel never to be taken for granted because not everyone is given the opportunity to be educated. In the Ethiopian culture, because of this value that education has, taking time away from education or not excelling in all we do, has never been an option. That is why so many of our parents are willing to sacrifice everything for their children's education.
Seeing this always encouraged me to work hard in school and to have great reverence towards my education. When society gave me a reason to hide from my identity, I found ways to make it my reasons for success. One of my main goals in life is inspired by the perseverance nature of my Ethiopian culture. My culture has taught me to be proud and shameless in my Ethiopian identity, giving me the endurance to strive for high academic success. This determination gave me strength and challenged me to work hard in school. My success has given me a reason to share my knowledge with others, teaching them the value of education and culture and its impact on our success.
