Amherst Supplement - Overcoming difficult hardships

Hi everyone, in the Amherst website, it says "we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay."

I don't know whether I wrote as they asked me to. I wrote more like a personal experience that parallels to the prompt. Do you guys think I did as Amherst requires?

The prompt is ""Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."

Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals"

"Hey Chiney! Open your eyes."
"Chiney you still coming to football? Betta quit hoss."
Another day in Trinidad began, with the usual welcome of its people. Their words became a part of my everyday life and assured me that this abysmal chasm between me and others would be irreparable.

The attitudes existed even on soccer pitches. When I missed shots, people came to ask me how I had managed to join the team with such incompetent skills. Whenever I received a pass, they tackled me unduly aggressively. Once, my classmate pushed me down and said "soccer ain't for tiny Chineys like you! You don't belong here."

One night, I laid on my bed to consider transferring to another school. Because I established myself in Trinidad for three months and could not see any signs of improvement, I was worried that this form of segregation would exist until I graduated. However, I thought that quitting everything would mean nothing more than surrendering myself to the racial segregation.

The next day after school, I headed to the tryout and participated in a game. As usual, when I threw my right arm up and signaled for a pass, my teammates ignored me. I therefore went to compete for the ball. I was pushed to and fro, but I also pushed them back. When I tackled and stole my opponent's ball, I took a shot immediately and watched it bend into the goal. After the game, teammates approached me and apologized for the mistreatment which had happened before. At that moment, I realized that I have toppled down the wall between me and my teammates. Overwhelmed in joy, I could not think of any other answer to their apologies besides giving a smile.

Hello,

Amherst has used this prompt several times over the past 5-6 years. The beauty of this question is that there is no real write or wrong way to answer it. As long as you mention an obstacle that you once deemed dire, but eventually overcame - which you did, you will be accurately responding to the prompt. However, there will be at least 20 students who will write this very same experience. Not too original or unique although it uniquely happened to you. - We can help, -AAO

Hope this helps.

Thanks for your help!

Hi :) I have some ideas for ways to change your wording. Also, to answer your question, I think it is good to mention how you were able to become a stronger and more adaptable person, because of your experience.

Another day in Trinidad began, with the usual welcometypical greetings of its people.

But there I was, in the centerthe object of undesirable attention from my schoolmates.

Wherever I went, a one sided barrier always separated me from the others.
Can you find a different phrase than "one sided barrier"?

When I would stay quiet in class to preclude any collision, my classmates came up to me and started humiliating me by using my physical features.

You could say: "I tried to keep to myself, but I was harassed by my classmates who mocked me for my appearance."

My guts signaled me to retaliate with equal treatments, but I knew such response would provoke further, even worse, treatments.
You could also say it like this: "My first instinct was to retaliate, but angrily responding to them would lead to even worse treatment."

I'll be frank with you.

Just by the fact that this is for Harvard, your essay will not work. It's very trite and over-used. Almost any immigrant (Asian) can tell a decent experience of being teased due to ethnic factors.

Uniqueness. Originality. Particular for Harvard.