"Will you announce the program for us?" I asked the librarian. "Alright," she switched on the intercom and spoke "Patrons, the Story Time and Arts and Crafts program hosted by the Chino Hills High School Key Club will start now in the children section of the Library." So it began. Little kids from toddlers to first-graders sat impatiently on the carpet as I started to read The Pigeon Wants a Puppy in an abnormally animated voice. Two books went by and I couldn't help but chuckle as little heads start to loll even when they fought to focus their attention. However, as soon as I shut the book and announced that it's crafts time, everyone snapped up from their trance and rushed to the table already set up by my fellow key clubbers. This week is Tissue Paper Flowers; the five of us immediately set to work with requests of "can I have some purple" and "how do I tie this together". The flurry of bright colored tissue paper and fuzzy sticks must have attracted the other kids as they stopped in their reading to join the commotion. Finally, the crowd started to thin and I slowed down for a drink of water. A blond boy of four years I was helping was the last to leave, and before he left, he gave me a resounding "thank you" and a bitty high-five and I smiled big. The clock now points to five and a mess was waiting to be cleaned. Today had been a success and I couldn't wait to come back next Thursday.
Does this make sense? I'm trying to describe one instance of volunteering at my local library with the Story-time and Crafts program.
I have a bit of condensing to do.
Thank you for your feedback!
I think the imagery is really reallly strong, but you need to emphasize how this activity influenced your character and what it means to you
Likke capriciousprite said, this essay has to reflect who you are. Try to put more emphasis on how it changed you or how it displays who you are, do not spend your whole time with all the imagery. Also I am not saying that imagery is bad, but you need to cut some off. In my opinion, since you already spent a lot of detail in the beginning and the reading activity, try to cut down the arts and crafts part. Alas, it is truly up to you if you want to change that part.
rushed to the table already set up by my fellow key clubbers.
just write rushed up to the crafts table
This week is Tissue Paper Flowers
tense: it should follow everything else and be in the past
as they stopped in their reading to join the commotion
stopped
in their
Diction:
commotion try to find a different word
started to thin and I slowed
Diction: use shrink? instead of
thinpoints to five
Tense: pointed instead of
pointsOtherwise the essay is good. just talk a little more about how you felt and how it benefitted you as a person
Thank you everyone, all the comments are really helpful!
I will edit it and add more reflection
If this is the short essay portion, you should know that quotation marks will take up a significant portion of the 1000 characters you're allowed. You have 1,412 characters here. I recommend trying to find a way to either shorten the dialogue or removing some that won't really make a difference. Also, using shorter synonyms for some of your words should help.
Revised:
Toddlers to first-graders sat fidgeting on the carpet as I started to read "The Pigeon Wants a Puppy" in an obnoxiously animated voice. Two books went by, and I couldn't help but chuckle as little heads start to loll as they fought to stay attentive. However, as soon as I announced that it was crafts time, everyone snapped from their trance and rushed to the table set up by my fellow key clubbers. This week was for "Tissue Paper Flowers," and the five of us immediately set to work with requests of "Can I have some purple?" and "How do I tie this together?". Through volunteering for the Story and Crafts program that I coordinated between the local library and our school key club, I realized how much I love working with little kids. In those moments, all that matters are the tasks of helping them achieve their goals and seeing the satisfaction on their faces when a creation forms from their imagination. A blond boy of four years gave me a resounding "Thank you!" and a bitty high-five before he left with his masterpiece. Nothing could be more rewarding than that.
What else can I improve?
I think your essay revised is perfect. I really enjoyed reading it and the last sentences about the blond gut and how that smile made you feel rewarded were great.
I don't think you should revise it anymore..now you make also clearer your love of what you do.
Hope this helps.
Good luck
Angela
Suggestion: What could be more rewarding than that?
I thought the ending would pop more with this ending.
Lovely essay, you incorporated the experience brilliantly while highlighting what you have learned from the experience. Good Job!
Hope this helps! I'd love if you read one of my essays. Thanks!
