Any advice would be much appreciated!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
It looked as if it were a scene taken out of a horror film about teenagers taking over the world. Although it may not have concerned the world, on February 12, 2010, students from delegations all across the state of California took over Sacramento-and when they did, I made sure I was there.
This event was the 62nd annual Youth and Government conference, taking place in California's capitol. Nowhere else could 2,300 high school students dressed in business attire and speaking in parliamentary procedure be found. I am proud to say that I am apart of such a program where individuals can be extremely diverse in every aspect, yet fit in with each other exquisitely. But this experience has given me more than pride alone; it has strengthened my confidence and taught me to embrace risk.
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It looked as if it were a scene taken out of a horror film about teenagers taking over the world. Although it may not have concerned the world, on February 12, 2010, students from delegations all across the state of California took over Sacramento-and when they did, I made sure I was there.
This event was the 62nd annual Youth and Government conference, taking place in California's capitol. Nowhere else could 2,300 high school students be dressed in business attire and speaking in parliamentary procedure be found. I am proud to say that I am apart of such a program where individuals can be extremely diverse in every aspect, yet fit intoeach other exquisitely. But this experience has given mesomething more tha pride; it has strengthened my confidence and has taught me to embrace risk.
Although I always have outgoing individual , my experience in Sacramento has given me my edge. It not only pushed me to step outside of my comfort zone, but it dissolved my comfort zone completely. It occurred to me that I did not need comfort zone when I finally arrived in Sacramento and realized I not only had the support of my delegation, but the support of about 2000 students I was not yet acquainted with. We were all in Sacramento because we shared an indistinguishable passion for government and wanted to make a difference. Because of our common ardor, we understood each other and became one immense, extended family. I noticed this in the way strangers spontaneously made friends and delegates cheered each other on before and after speaking. Only then did I feel completely comfortable with going up to an arbitrary stranger and asking them how they felt about gay marriage. Only then could I stand up in front of 200 of my peers and speak my mind on the Assembly floor. Only then could I finally respond to the speakers statement, "Please stand, state your name, your 'Y,' you have two minutes," without any apprehension. After speaking in small committees and working my way up to speaking in the assembly last year, I could now speak before any crowd with verve.
That is not the only way the Youth and Government conference has impacted me. Previously that year, I had been living with the conviction that I should not strive to accomplish things I did not believe would lead to success. This notion limited me from various auditions I wanted partake in but wouldn't because I was certain I would lose. When I was nominated to run for an elected position I desired, I later rescinded my acceptance because I did not want to give a speech for an election I could not win.
At the end of the conference, the results of the statewide elections were announced. To my surprise, candidates that I thought had no chance of winning had won. Those who I thought were sure to win had lost. These candidates have inspired me to take risks even if my chances of success are slim. My experience in Sacramento has taught me that no outcome is ever certain, so I should always attempt to achieve my aspirations. Once the conference was over , and I settled back into my academic routine, I began taking more risks. As a result, I am now a board member of my school's Human Relations Council and the Deputy of Activism of my school's chapter of Junior Statesmen of America (positions I never anticipated I would obtainI am not sure this additional explanation is necessary ).
When Youth and Government nominations took place this year I made sure to learn from my mistakes of the previous year. I ran for Speaker of the Assembly and when I lost the election I did not give up. I then ran for statewide committee chair, a position in which one leads and presides over a legislative committee. Because I took these risks, I will be flying to Sacramento a day early this year as a committee chair.
Ideas seemed not quite repeated but words are
try to avoid "not only but also" phrase using more than 1 time
Try to find creative ways to express the same meaning in fewer words:
It looked as if it were like a scene taken out of from a horror film. ----By doing this, you increase the intensity of the sentence.
...will be flying to Sacramento a day early this year as a soon as committee chair.
This is a great accomplishment. You should extract the meaning and share it with the reader. Try to capture the message of the whole essay and add it as a single sentence tacked onto the first paragraph.
:-)