Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !)

Any comments is welcomed! Be As Harsh As Possible

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman year roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

Cleaning the room and organizing all my properties that I had just brought from Southern California and, I hear the door opening.
"Hi there, wow~ you brought a lot with you! So did I. I know it says on the door that my name is Pu Fang, but actually people call me Amy. I am cleaning up the room first before anything happens, because I am kind of a neat freak, but I have no problem if you are not."

"Before I go on talking, let's get to know each other. I am from Southern California, a little city in Los Angeles. Well... actually I moved there when I was eleven. I emigrated from Taiwan. (If you ever go there, I can take you around.) I can speak Chinese and Taiwanese fluently, not bad in English too, of course. I am a Buddhist, but I am really open-minded to anything, even the things people usually consider out of the norm, for example I was really upset when gay marriage didn't pass the election California had recently. (Don't get the wrong idea, I am not a lesbian) If you want to get deeper on that later, since now we are both busy settling down, I can pull an all-nighter discussing this issue."

"Get back to myself. Oh! Sleeping habits. Although I would I like to, I don't usually sleep early. But if you are, don't worry. When I am not sleeping at night, I am probably doing homework or studying for a test, quietly. I have to sleep without any light or sound. I am usually a very friendly and easy going person, but really sleeping is probably the only thing, other than bugs, that I can't give in. I love to sleep!"

"There's something very important about myself that I have to tell you. I am a Gemini, which means I sort of have double personality. I might be very quiet this moment but loud the next or very happy now, but sad the next second. I am really dramatic, so don't freak out! My friends back home say I scare people too much, that's why I am telling you this."

"Ok... I've been talking too much. (Just tell me to stop talking if you feel annoyed.) Your turn to talk?"
As we settle in our dorm, we chat nonstop as if we have known each other for years.

THX=D

Good start -- very lively -- but now you must go back and clean it up (as you cleaned the room.) Be more careful in your wording. Right now, you make it sound as if "Southern California" were a small town within Los Angeles. You also start with a sentence fragment -- not a good idea!

I feel really um...picky everytime I say this but you speak Mandarin, not Chinese.


I don't think that this is necessary.


This can be reworded out of the parenthesis.


Buddhist aren't really narrowminded in the first place.

^That is unusual. If we were sharing a room, and you were a neat freak, you would not mind if I left banana peels on the floor, and moldy pizza crusts on the floor. That would trouble, even people who are not neat freaks.


^First of all, you can break this into actual sentences.
Secondly, the gay marriage thing is rather controversial. Just because you may have been accepting of homosexuality, does not mean that all of your readers are, and their subjective views and bias can influence how they understand you and your essay.


^I can be. But I think that this essay needs enough revision as it is.

ok so wording problem!
How about the content?
I feel like I didn't say a lot about myself...

^Well, your ending suggests that there is a lot more to yourself.
But I still think that the content can be improved to show the more important aspects of yourself. It is a different approach to the question, however it's effectiveness with Stanford's actual Admissions Committee is something that we will just have to wait and see. I personally did not like the approach however. I thought it looked like as if you were trying to be a bit, too bubbly, and I think that being too bubbly is directly linked with trying too hard to impress, something which 'unimpresses' me lol. But that is me.

I'm confused about who is saying what. There's no real structure to this...
Instead of trying to show what you're like mainly through dialogue, why don't you try actually saying what your like and just using dialogue as support.

^By removing this, youd get straight into the story. Also, I think that this opening paragraph of yours is quite ineffective, just because of the concept and the way in which the concept is expressed. Getting straight to the conversation should be more of an attention puller.


^I did not like the last line. I got the impression at least, that you stated that just so that you can present yourself as an assiduous academic. Then I thought, why the necessity to point it out, since it is already understood that Stanford's students typically are, already very academic. So I thought, that by mentioning how you love to study, is in effect, just trying to reassure your readers. Reassurance suggests that there is something wrong. Something wrong=something bad.


^This entire paragraph,firstly, can be broken down into smaller paragraphs. Secondly, the short sentence structure with barely any content makes it read as if you are just rambling on with excitement, yet not giving any important details. Also, the transition from this paragraph from the earlier one is quite poor, and I think that can be attributed to the sentence structure. Also, half way, you adopt an informal approach. This essay is in the format of writing to your room mate, but remember, the room mate will never read this.

I think that this overall paragraph is expressed in a childish manner. It does not show any maturity on your part. Revise.

Just FYI, "advice" is one of those words that is the same in the plural and singular forms.

can you tell me like starting where?
I know that the entire thing is not that formal, but where is the difference more obvious?
I suck at writing D=
thx!!!!!!!

^That is very obvious


^The way you start this sentence off sounds childish, colloquial and informal


^The emoticon, the excessive use of commas that suggest you are talking like an excited child, and the numerous exclamation marks, all make this very informal.

I really feel that you adopted a very strongly childish approach to this essay. If I read this essay, and I may be applying to Stanford, (only applying there if I do not get in my Early program elsewhere. Fingers crossed that I do get in though and dont need to consider Stanford :P) I would think that I could not take you seriously at all

EDIT: Not that it would matter, since your room mate will never read this essay. Unless he/she asks for it, from you personally, just so that you guys can joke about what it was like applying to Stanford and what essays you used to get in.

You use "really" far too often. And really, you're writing this as if your roommate really were going to read it, which she's really not. This is a mistake, really. Like any application essay you write, you really want to decide what you want this essay to say about you (something good, preferably) then write it so that the truth of your possession of whatever good quality you pick really comes through. So, try again. Really.

Hah. And, in general, empty modifiers like "really" -- which don't actually mean anything and thus add nothing of substance to the sentence -- should be avoided altogether.

i knoww how hard it is to have to keep on trying. i had to on my u of chicago essay, but you have to understand, people are going to go to standford with some SUPER CREATIVE roomie essays that are going to be like WOW and may get them in on their essay alone, or may not.

my suggestion: you stoppp overthinking this and just write. i really think what you should do too is write down some things about you that cant be found else where in your application. like for me, i know that in my application it would never be found that i LOVE scary/gory movies and not a lot of ple can take those, so i would play that up in my standford roomie essay if i was applying. like i lovee the 'saw' series, so i would start off like "I want to play a game" or somehting silly like that. you have to think out of the box, without forgetting that your NOT writing to a roomie so you have to keep it professional.

wahts not found in your application essay that you can write about? do you like poetry? if so write a poem as your app essay about being clean and bubbly and stuff. do u like board games? then you can make that the main focus and sprinkle some other things. remember they didnt tell you to write about a lot of things either. you can just write about ONE thing you want them to know about. THINK OUTSIDE OF YOUR BOX.

good luck!

^Whatever happened to that essay...I remember that it dealt with Chinatown and bubble tea.

i added johns hopkins to my list and decided to not apply to chicago. both are a reach school so it pretty much evened out :D

but they still wont stop emailing mee LMAOOO

thats such a quirky prompt! makes me want to apply =P
I think you have good ideas, but for some reason, I am just not crazy about the dialogue-format...although you were trying to make it different than other applicant's by making yours that way, I think that from what you have, it would look better in just a normal paragraph, directed to the admissions committe, and not to your imaginary roomate.

ok so after reading all the advice I decided to use a really straightforward format.
____________________________________________________________ ____
I am:

A paradox who is one thing but also the complete opposite.

A dreamer who is both nervous and excited as she foresee herself accomplishing her goals.

A germaphobic neat freak who is afraid of all sorts of animals, except for humans and cats.

A sleeper who can't sleep with light or sound, but dozes off in the afternoons as a way to imaginarily break away from the pressure and tedious routine.

An athlete who might not be the most talented but is willing to make that up with effort and hardworking.

A scientist who is curious about everything to its littlest detail and fascinated by the profoundness of the world.

A philosopher who likes to discuss with her best friends on the meaning of life and the cause of certain behaviors during lunchtime.

A leader who is willing to be a role model with mixed feelings of anxiety and expectation.

A Buddhist who believes religion is about believing not attending every event or following certain instructions.

A daughter who is exiting the child-parent relationship but entering friendship with her mother.

A sister who encourages her older brothers in times of stress and advices them on picking outfits.

A student who learns to increase knowledge not just for the sake of getting into good colleges.

A volunteer who is awestruck by the smile on other people's face and enjoys the delight atmosphere created when everyone is happy.

A thinker who comes up with simple methods to solve entangled dilemmas.

An extremist who would either strive for the best or not do it at all.

A darer who likes to challenge herself and push herself to her extreme end.

A worrier who plans every event in her life carefully with plan A, B, and C in case of accidents... a bundle of nerves.

A bookworm who stays up till 3 a.m. reading The Scarlet Letter.

I am:

Pu Fang Amy Hung.
__________________________________________________________-- -
This is my third time writing this DX
How do you guys like it?

You need to arrange this in a way that has a beginning, middle, and end. You also need to organize it so that it sounds fluent.

but do you like it though?

I think that the idea is a potentially good one but there is too many things that are just too ordinary. This has turned into a creative piece that is rather hard to critique. It is not well-written right now.

honestly, its just a list to me. it seems like its not creative b.c. you took the easy way out and listed stuff.

but its only my opinion. like i said, dont overthink it, you can do a really good one.

i think you should do something funky with that paradox thing you say you are! that could be interesting. make an essay full of paradoxes about yourself or somehting. then at the end say, your a paradox who does one thing but thinks the other.

(thats what i meant by thinking out of the box)