Short answer for common app about music

I'm really struggling to get this short answer part of the common app done. Here's what I've come up with so far...

Music is universal; it speaks to everyone in a different sense, influencing them in a completely original way. Playing music gives power of expression, relieves stress, teaches simple engineering technique, and how to work with other people.

Learning to play guitar as well as I have with no formal instruction is one of my proudest accomplishments. The freedom of expression, sense of accomplishment I get after perfecting an intricate song and the positive reactions of listeners all bring about an incomparable feeling. In the past five years I have played with many musicians that further enhanced both their skills and mine by playing together. Guitar has taught me basic engineering because they need to be fixed from time to time. Whether it's broken strings, loose knobs, broken inputs, or something else, by some process I had to figure out how to fix it if I wanted to keep playing.

That's around 149 words, just under the maximum requirement. Feedback please!?!?

...I'm kind of stuck there, any ideas?

You don't provide a prompt so the only thing to work with is what you have:

Temper the categorical statements and focus on a few points. From what you have written, they might be:

1. Music can serve as an avenue of escape
2. Music can alleviate bad emotions

3. This would seem a common sense talking point: Music may allow people to express themselves as they would be otherwise unable.

"Music is the universal language of the world.
Music is universal

It has the amazing ability to influence people's moods like nothing else can.
Influencing people's mood: as in, dopamine? Or how music speaks to us not only biologically, but to our souls because it is an art?

Along with the power of influence, music can teach more than just notes and sounds.
What else does music teach? I'm not sure if you said anything else about what music can teach.

Participating in the school band since the fifth grade has taught me to work with others toward a common goal, provided a constructive way to vent when times are tough"

It seems there are two ideas in this statement: Music is cooperative and music is a way to express oneself.

Perhaps you can also write about the transcendent nature of music. I'm a musician too, and I firmly believe in music's power, considering both the biological effects and the the effects on the soul. Maybe this can give some inspiration: wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2006/04/21/segments/58272

Thanks for the responses, sorry it wasn't much to work with. I want to get across the point that music can be expressive if I'm playing by myself, but at the same time if I'm playing in a group it teaches things such as cooperation and patience among other things. Do you think it would be better to focus on just one of the two main ideas? (Expressive as a soloist/Being in a band)

What's the prompt??

I think you can further elaborate what make you want to major in music.
May be give some personal experience?

Is it a college application prompt ??

You wandered away from the topic. The first sentence of the paragraph shows the topic: music influences people in an original way. So... don't end the paragraph with something about fixing guitars. End with a sentence similar to the one that began the paragraph, so that it gives a sense of completeness.

:-)

I think that this is the prompt you are writing to:
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer)

If so, I think your essay is well written.


I really like this sentence. It is a great beginning.


I think that there should be comma after song.

I think the ending is fine. It elaborates on you love of the guitar. I think that there is an implicit implication that you are a self starter. I think that is what a lot of colleges look for. Good job.

Since it's short, I'll try to provide a brisk account of the issues that I think need work.

- When you say "it speaks to everyone in a different sense", you're loosely portraying the motif of setting up for exemplification and explication, which is required at minimum in this case to use the plural noun ways*, or else you contradict/confuse the meaning such as present.

- You need to use articles such as "a", "an", and "the" to provide reference for things you mention. Also, make sure those so called things are of the same form and extent.

- Always aspire to specificity and precision through the words you use; aim to reduce ambiguity by expressing ideas clearly and narrowly, emphasizing caution with words (pronouns) such as "that", "which", and "who." It's a great deal better to err on the side of caution here: it's better to repeat yourself tolerably and draw winces of exhaustion than to fall shy of the minimum -- shroud yourself in obscurity -- and quite certainly ruin your chances.

- Like Kevin said [cutting this short], you cannot begin by extolling the benefits of music, and end by prattling about guitar strings. It's highly preferred for those who fall in the broad class of "relative novice writers" to temper roundly and stabilize essay conclusions with logic, compared especially to the extreme approach that's marked in feckless temerity, just letting conclusions -- poorly reasoned and bizarre -- hang for consumption as resonant and marvelous, yet appropriately short comments on the essence.

That is a general principle which is not adhered to in most essays here; I'm not singling you out and this example is way short of the worst I've taken witness to.

After reading your essay, I could not undersand your central point. Are you trying to tell people music could influence eveyone, including you,in the most original way? Then what is the influence?

Are you trying to tell people how guitar benefits you? Then what experience you treasure most?
You should elaborate on one point but not all the point. It may confuse people what you are talking about.

Just my suggestions.

Take whatever you want.