Anyone can be the change in the world - College Essay - Review

PERSONAL STATEMENT
By using the Personal Application, you are not required to submit a formal essay. However, we do ask that you write a personal statement (at least 250 words) - allowing Tulane to get an idea of who you are beyond your grades, classes and test scores. If there's any information you would like the admission committee to take into consideration when reviewing your application, this is the place for it.

Using the space below, please write between 250 and 500 words to describe a special interest, significant experience or achievement, or anything else that has special meaning to you or had a significant influence on you.

I have decided to dedicate my personal statement to a special experience that I have found to be very important and helpful to others. An idea that was recently presented to me, that affected my way of thinking, is the consequences of the relationships of everyone's lives. I was unaware how important the impact of relationships could be until I started thinking about my history class. The way you treat someone, or interact with, may impact the rest of your life. I think that if more people considered their relationships with everyday acquaintances more important, their futures might be brighter.

This idea first presented itself to me after history class last week, after a review of the significance of certain people in the scientific revolution, such as Galileo, and Copernicus. As I thought about how these people are seen to be very important and special to the world, I thought about how the people are me might change the world. I started to think the friends and family that I see every day, may as well become the next Copernicus, so to speak. I also thought to myself that there are little differences between the people I know, and some of the people who are known for their contribution to the world as we know it. When I realized that anyone, who is willing, could change the world, I began to think about what sort of relationship I have with them.

I am grateful that I experienced this sudden change in ideas. I believe that now I have a greater level of understanding and perspective of others. I also feel that I respect my acquaintances in a different way. Anyone can change the world or do something that no one before them has done. I feel like this is a special concept to understand, and I am eager to explain to others how this can improve the way people treat one another.

Consider diving right into your "powerful experience" instead of "dedicating it..." This opening paragraph will be much stronger. Also, you have some grammatical errors that could be cleaned up with a simple revision. Your "thesis" statement, "The way you treat someone, or interact with, may impact the rest of your life. I think that if more people considered their relationships with everyday acquaintances more important, their futures might be brighter." can be reworded and/or combined to be clearer and stronger. With only 250 words you want to be a concise as possible.

For ex, "It became clear to me that mere acquaintances can dramatically impact ones life..."
Consider elaborating on these historical figures a bit more..what else about them inspired you?...

An idea that was recently presented to me and affected my way of thinking pertains to the consequences of the relationships among everyone's lives.

I had been unaware of how important the impact of relationships could be until I started...

The way you treat someone or interact with her or him may impact the rest of your life.

I started to think the friends and family that I see every day may as well become the next Copernicus, so to speak. I also thought to myself that there are little few differences between the people I know and some of the people who are known for their contribution to the world as we know it. When I realized that anyone who is willing could change the world, I began to think about what sort of relationship I have with them.

Very interesting stuff here, I am impressed! You use too many commas, though. Read Strunk and White. :-)

Hi Gregory!

I was impressed with your essay -- at least the essence of it, the message. But, I must agree with Kevin, in that you use too many commas. He suggested that you read "The Elements of Style," and I am hopeful that you are cognizant of that material and what it can do for you as a writer.

I made some corrections and offered some suggestions to you with respect to your essay, and these are below. You will see the use of the comma. Many people overuse the comma, by the way, and it's not just you.

Now that you have three people correcting you, perhaps you might want to re-work the essay?

Mark :)

... to a special experience that I have found to be is very important and helpful to others. An idea that was recently presented to me, thatwhich affected my way of thinking, is the ...

I was unaware not aware as to (...) could be until I started thinking thought about my history class. The way you treat someone, or interact with, may impact the rest of your life.

As I thought about how these people are seen to be veryas important and special (...) how the people are me might change the world. I started to think thought the friends (...) become the next Copernicus, so to speak . I also thought to myself that there are little differences between ...

... who is willing, could change the world, I began to think thought about what sort of ...