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Spelman College Essay - Review & Make neccessary changes as u see fit

cwales6 1 / -  
Mar 7, 2009   #1
Prompt: Seeking knowledge and commitment to service are integral parts of the Spelman experience. Discuss and illustrate ways you have shown your commitment in these areas.

Maya Angelou once said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." I first heard this quote when I was a sixth grader at Stevens Elementary School. At the time, I didn't understand its significance. In fact, I would get so annoyed with Mrs. Lucas, my sixth grade English teacher when she would say this quote to our class in an effort to motivate us; or as she would say, 'to get you all to dig deep within yourselves and capture those restrained emotions'. I tried to write with the compassion that Mrs. Lucas sought after but in reality, I did not understand what it was that she wanted to feel from my words. In sixth grade, I could not grasp the strength in those words, however, today, I am fully aware of their significance and I can even see beauty in those words. It's so real to me now, that it seems tangible; as if I could hold it in my hands. For that reason, I can now see that I am beginning to tell my untold story.

I have always known that I would attend college. I didn't know what career I would choose, or which college I would actually enroll into. I just knew that I was going and that I was going to stay there until I received my degree. When I was in the ninth grade, I remember reading a JET Magazine that had an article about Spelman College. I saw a well-respected black college with all female students that offered a challenging curriculum. The article led to me to research this school and learn more. The more a researched, the more I realized that this was the college that I must attend. I was then just as I am now intrigued with the diversity among the female students and with all that the college offers its students. My research helped me to begin my journey; I was officially 'Spelman Bound'. This became my mantra. It was then that Ms. Angelou's words had come to life. For I had an untold story to tell, I just needed a place to tell it. With all of its rich offerings, traditions, and expectations, in my mind Spelman for me then, and is now, the beginning of my untold story.

I know that becoming a 'Spelmanite' would require just as much community involvement and service as it would education, I have much to offer in that respect. I volunteer with my church where we strive to work with the community as a way of giving back. My faith is my foundation, and I always been taught that 'faith without works is dead'. I work with an usher group and we sponsor various programs throughout the year. We feed the homeless, sponsor annual coat drives, and each year, we sponsor three needy families within the community and give them Christmas! We buy clothes and toys for each child in all three families and we also give each family monetary and food donations. Though I am not able to participate in many extra-curricular activities at school, my work in my community is very special. I have a passion for helping others and if I were able to do more, I would definitely take part in mentoring programs. I would bring a charitable spirit with me to Spelman and I know that it would be matched with the numerous outreach programs that are available there.

While in high school, I have worked intern positions each year. I have taken each position that I have held seriously and have always conducted myself in the utmost professional manner. I have gained tremendous experience from each position that I have held. Perhaps my most significant experience has been my internship with the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Headquarter Office in Washington, DC. I was considered for this program as a result of my academic success. My selection process was the same as it is for any employee with the FBI. I underwent a full security clearance process and I have maintained that clearance and my position with the FBI for the past two years. Employees of the Bureau are held to the highest regard. They must prove to be honest, dependable, and trustworthy and must show great integrity. I will bring these characteristics with me to Spelman College. The Federal Bureau of Investigation has taught me so much and has showed me how far I can go in life. Like the FBI, Spelman will teach me how to formulate a strong will and help prepare me to succeed in a male dominated world. Working with the FBI is what inspired me to pursue a degree in Political Science. While working in the FBI's Directorate of Intelligence, I have seen firsthand how The United States conducts business both domestically and internationally. This firsthand experience would prove to be an asset to the Spelman legacy, as I prepare a legacy a pass on to someone else. Spelman's Political Science program interest in me because the department equips students intellectually and the courses have proven to be valuable in all aspects. The offering of opportunities to study abroad along with the number of options to travel abroad makes the Political Science program one of the more competitive programs in the country. Spelman also offers several off- campus experiences where students have the opportunity to participate in "real world" political activities. This unique experience is what I want to be a part; it's the experience that I can only get from Spelman College.

I have a story to tell. Unlike when I was younger, I know where it needs to be told, and I also know that it HAS to be told. For the next little girl that may know that she has a place on a college campus, or that she herself has a story, and that her story too has got to be told. The only place where our legacy can be bought to fruition is Spelman College. I have never settled for anything, maybe because of the way that my family has raised me or maybe it's because life thus far has shown me that I don't have to. 'Faith without works'. I have the faith and I am not afraid to work, I just don't settle. I am SPELMAN BOUND! The 'essence' of this opportunity is 'so real to me now, that it seems tangible; as if I could hold it in my hands'. In my eyes, I want this opportunity more than anyone. This is my dream, my reality, ITS MY STORY.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 7, 2009   #2
"would require just as much community involvement and service as it would education," Can't community involvement and service be viewed as forms of education?

"Employees of the Bureau are held to the highest standard ."

Overall a strong essay. I especially like your conclusion. The essay drags a bit in the middle, though. Can you say everything you say now, only in about 20% fewer words? That would give you an even better essay than you already have.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 8, 2009   #3
So, as you continue to revise, keep this in mind: "Seeking knowledge and commitment to service"... and also... "ways you have shown your commitment in these"... as you reread the essay, try making a list of how many "ways" are covered.

It really is a great essay! I am just nitpicking and giving my thoughts. Also:

Could it be something Maya Angelou once wrote (rather than said)? The opening line sounds a lot like that cliche, "a wise man once said..."

I know that becoming a 'Spelmanite' would requires just as much...

Overall, my main concern is that you don't concentrate as much on ways you have shown commitment to seeking knowledge and serving. I think that, toward the end of the intro paragraph, you should give a sentence that tells the reader something like, "My commitment to acquiring knowledge and serving others is demonstrated in my (name the topics covered in the essay)"

Good luck!!!!

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