Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore

The admission committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice. Please tell us about specific academic , service, and research opportunities at the University of Penn that resonate with your background, interests and goals.

His bright red eyes, his ruminations, his tricks and smartness are what have been fascinating me since I first saw him. He is my hero, he is the "foolproof and incapable of error" HAL 9000. An inspiration from where I developed my interests in Computers, AI, and the human brain. Agreed, there have been numerous inventions like him, but none innate with all his almost human emotions and perceptions. But wait, he is a lethal discovery of AI. The field of study which will eliminate the humankind in the near future.

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- Don't leave the admissions officer hanging, show off your confidence in relation to your being a successful student at UPenn. End the paragraph by saying that you can do that and you hope to fully utilize the opportunities offered by the university in order to make your plans a reality


- Insert a paragraph after this that discusses your plans for potential thesis or projects that can fully utilize the offerings of UPenn. Think outside of the box. That is what universities are looking for. The more creative and imaginative your potential project proposal or discovery plans, the better for your application.

The rest of the essay works very well with the prompt. You just need to build up certain sections to make it better :-)

Here is my new draft...

His bright red eyes, his ruminations, his tricks and smartness are what have been fascinating me since I first caught sight of him. He is my hero, he is the "foolproof and incapable of error" HAL 9000. An inspiration from where I developed my interests in Computers, AI, and the human brain. Agreed, there have been numerous inventions like him, but none innate with all his almost human emotions and perceptions. But wait, he is a lethal discovery of AI. The field of study which will eliminate the humankind in the near future.

[...]

Your essay works very well at this point. The ideas your present in the latter part is quite interesting and has shown how you can be a good fit as a student at UPenn. There is just a section that does not work at all with the essay even with the second revision. Could you come up with another introduction aside from the reference to HAL? It just does not blend very well with the rest of the essay. Perhaps you can introduce something else that is more along the lines of laying the foundation for the program of study, classes, and potential internship opportunities that the university provides? The HAL reference just does not fit well with the prompt of this essay and should perhaps be reserved for future use in a more suitable prompt.

I have tried to change the intro..have a look..

A renowned physicist once said that the potential benefits of super intelligent AI are huge. It would be the biggest event, but might also be the last, unless we learn how to avoid the risks. Nevertheless, I feel a need to prove the highly significant role it plays in our growth.

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- For all the admissions officer knows you could have made up this information. Unless you can specifically name who said what, don't use paraphrased or direct quotes. It would be better if you just attributed something to common knowledge than to an unknown person.

Your paper has definitely improved with this edit. I feel that it is already the best that it can be. Do you want us to work on fixing the possible grammar and sentence structure problems that you essay contains at this point? We can already work on polishing this into its final form if you are comfortable with the current content and theme of your essay :-)

Should I name that physicist or write something of my known?

The choice is yours. If this is a factual statement made by a real life physicist then by all means, quote him as the source. If you just made it up. Then say that this statement is something that you believe in. Tell you what, try writing the introductory paragraph in 2 versions. Use the name of the physicist in one and in the other, use your own sentiment for the statement. Compare the 2 and go with the statement that you feel is stronger and will draw more attention to what you have to say in the essay. This is all about editing the essay to suit your vision, the statement that you want to deliver in this paper. The stronger and more credible you can make it, the better for your application.

I have tried your advice, but am not sure if it sounds good.

Stephen Hawking said once,that the potential benefits of super intelligent AI are huge. It would be the biggest event, but might also be the last, unless we learn how to avoid the risks. However, I believe that it's not the last, as AI has innumerable inventions and benefits to provide. I feel a need to prove the highly significant role it plays in our growth.

My aim is to build artificial but "intelligent" neural network and organs.
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On the contrary, I feel that it works very well because you quoted one of the greatest scientific minds of our time and then presented a counter argument to his. It is an act that shows the potential for great analytical thinking and the ability to perceive things in our world that only scientific minds can see. This also shows the kind of influence that Stephen Hawking had on your scientific method of thinking. I feel good about the way you wrote that new introduction. I really wish you would consider using it. Would you care to try another version before you decide upon how you really want to approach the introduction?

This is the second version. Only the intro is changed.

The World's abuzz with its inventions. Still, some are against human's reliance over it, some are concerned about being ethically wrong to replicate God gifted intelligence and some fear of human eradication. However, I believe that AI has innumerable inventions and benefits to provide. And I feel a need to prove the highly significant role it plays in our growth.

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You speak of science in your essay, so mentioning God given intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Remember, there is a great debate between the belief in a god and the belief in science, the two can never and will never mix because the two beliefs are based upon differing principles. In my opinion, your Stephen Hawking reference introduction works best with this essay. However, if you wish to go with this second opening,then that is your prerogative. Choose one introduction you are comfortable with and then use it with the essay. I can't choose the introduction for you. You need to make that choice for yourself :-) I can only advice you about content and offer you options regarding choices that you have to make for the betterment of your essay.

I will go with the first version.:) Would you mind helping me out with grammar/sentence structure errors?

Gia, I am glad you have found a version that you are comfortable with. I would love to help you with your sentence structure and grammar errors at this point but the thread seems to have locked the rest of the essay away from my view. Would you mind posting the first version in its entirety once more here? I'll work on the grammar and sentence problems as soon as I see it posted. By the way, don't forget to run a simple spell check program using your word document before you upload the essay. That helps you find any minor spelling and possible grammatical errors before you send it to me for proof reading :-) Thanks.

Here is the full essay..

Stephen Hawking said that the potential benefits of super intelligent AI are huge. It would be the biggest event, but might also be the last, unless we learn how to avoid the risks. However, I believe that it's not the last, as AI has innumerable inventions and benefits to provide. I feel a need to prove the highly significant role it plays in our growth.

My aim is to build artificial but "intelligent" neural network and organs. Artificial organs are a commonplace now, but do not posses enough life span and self-controllability similar to the real ones.

The Computer and Cognitive science: AI program is the optimal course for me. There I can learn the varied concepts of Intelligence ranging from Psychology, Linguistics, Philosophy, and Neuroscience. With Penn's independent study and interdisciplinary research at GRASP lab, IRCS and PICS, I can acquire knowledge in all interested subjects. Even the CURF and other fellowship programs are a boon to support my research explorations. During summers too, the study opportunities at Ulsan National Institute or Aachen University will let me embrace distinct culture and diversity with hands-on research experiences.

Penn Network Visualization is the ideal place to start an advanced project on building neural networks and organs by mixing artistic visuals, biological sightings and technology from the students of humanities, medicine and science at UPenn respectively. Furthermore, we can publish our innovations into the corporal world by transferring our discoveries into commercial products, startup companies and services with the help of Penn Center for Innovation.

Here are some suggestions I have for tightening the essay and correcting some parts :-)
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I have incorporated your suggestions..have a look and see if its ready for submission.

Stephen Hawking has said that the potential for human benefit from super artificial intelligence will be huge, but could come at a debilitating cost to the human race. I believe that is not the case. I know that super AI has the ability to continuously benefit mankind provided we learn how to harness and control its power. My aim is to create "intelligent" neural networks and organs. Although commonplace now, artificial organs do not have the same life span and human control factors as their biological counterparts. I believe that such artificial intelligence based organs can be created and I hope to be a pioneer in the field through the support of UPenn, its mentors, and scientific laboratories.

In order to accomplish my goal, I am looking to the foundation that the Computer and Cognitive Science AI program that UPenn offers its students. I hope to fully grasp the meaning and world of artificial intelligence through the study of Psychology, Linguistics, Philosophy, and Neuroscience. Hopefully, I will also be given a chance to do an independent study and interdisciplinary research through the GRASP lab, IRCS, and PICS. With the help of the CURF and other fellowship programs, I will only succeed in this mission.

Thanks to the varied extra curricular activities offered at UPenn, I know that I will also develop my social skills in relation to my academic requirements. By participating at PennRec, I hope to participate in several activities and also establish a few other activities and clubs such as a skate club that introduces the rudiments of inline, quad, and skateboarding, which I am sure the student community will enjoy immensely.

From rich collaborations like Penn Classics and The One Acts Festival to carnivals like Spring Fling, It is the place where I want to be. It is the university campus, where I aspire to widen my real capabilities and attain accomplishments, where I want to gain quality education and life experiences. Where I want to develop lifelong relations and call myself a proud Quaker!

In my honest opinion, the essay is ready for use. Remember though that my idea of ready for use will vary from yours. So judge the essay preparedness upon your personal criteria instead of mine. If you feel that you have represented yourself as best as I can in this essay and you are confident that this is the version that you want to use, then go ahead and submit it already. I cannot really decide upon that for you. I can only guide you until you feel that the essay has reached a point of readiness that will benefit your application. Good luck with your submission! I wish you only the best :-)

thank you so so much for all the help..I'm confident about this version and will submit it. Thanks again :)