In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
My mom and I always go to Marshalls. We like the idea of being able to get something typically expensive at a reasonable price. Of course, when I was younger I didn't really notice. I lived in ignorance, which indeed meant bliss. But as I got older, I came to realize that life requires a loss of innocence.
I was about ten years old. My mother and I were on our daily shopping trip. She had been acting strange all day. Her worried look puzzled me. Had I done something wrong? Did I forget to make my bed that morning? Once we got to Marshalls I decided to confront her. We were in the purse section, and I said, "What's wrong?", she looked at me, eyes watered, and said "Oh Kristyn, I'm sick, I have a disease". Those words were like an instant electric shock to my heart. She went on to explain that when I was three, she had been hospitalized and was given only five years to live. She said that her medications are what has kept her alive.
From that moment on, I was no longer a child living in oblivion. I was welcomed into reality. For the first few years, I cried myself to sleep practically every night. It has now become a somewhat repressed experience, just so that I don't breakdown every moment of the day.
I have learned how to keep my strength and not let my agony bring me down. I don't want other people to live everyday in fear of losing the person they love the most. I want to make a difference and be a asset in the health field.
To reach my goals, I know that doing well in school is an utmost priority. That's why I've spent my years in school excelling in all my classes and challenging myself with the hardest. I've also volunteered at the local hospital and at the Red Cross just to become more exposed to the medical field. As president of the Interact club at my school, my main priority is to focus on helping people in the community by cleaning up beaches and visiting Alzheimer patients at a nursing home. I enforce my goal by being part of the Peer Mentoring program at my school to help anyone else with a problem.
Losing a parent is probably one of the hardest thing a child would ever have to endure. I am lucky enough to still have my mom alive and hopefully I will be able to be part in finding her a cure.
Since UF is the number one school in Florida, it is only natural that I would want to pursue my dream of studying there. The opportunity to go to your school would only push me to study harder and keep my academic integrity. Along with that, I would continue to focus on community service, as it has been truly rewarding to see that I have helped another person.
i do like the way your paragraphs are broken up. it plays tricks on the eyes of the reader and then it makes it all seem like not a lot to read. kudos!
besides that, i would like to see the connection of marshalls in the first paragraph a bit more. as of now its just...there. the rest of the story seems to flow and connect but the first paragraph doesnt seem to go with the rest of your essay for some reason. like you say you liked to shop there b.c. of getting cheap clothes? but i mean then you say your mom told u something horrific there. you dont even say "i didnt realize that my favorite store would turn out to be filled with not so favorite memories" or some transiton like that. (not that cheesy though LMAO!)
other than that it'll work.
good luck!
Hmmm... the digression about Marshalls really takes us off track. Also, I notice that you do not name your mother's disease. It's OK if you want to keep that private but that, in combination with an overall tendency toward vagueness (except about Marshalls) makes this essay much more generic than it ought to be, given the emotionality of your story.
The opportunity to go to your school would only push me to study harder and keep my academic integrity.
This, for example, is vague. Why would the opportunity to go to that particular school push you harder? What, exactly, would you do to maintain your academic integrity? What do you mean by "academic integrity" anyway?
hopefully I will be able to be part in finding her a cure
This is where it really goes vague. Without knowing what your mother's disease might be, we have no way of knowing how you, or anyone else for that matter, might contribute to finding a cure. You don't say what you might want to do. Raise funds for research? Become a researcher yourself? What?
oh okay thank you, the thing is that i don't know what my mom has so i can't really include it, but i'll try to omit those parts and reword it. any more suggestions? grammatical or material based?
