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Essay for Appalachian State..Open Forum..


Jessays321 1 / 2  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Last paragraph needs help..any suggestions welcome!

I am a first generation college student. In my family, neither my parents nor my older siblings received a college education. This has opened my eyes to struggles that are certainly avoidable. As a result, I have chosen to turn my life in a different direction than that of my relatives. I am determined to avoid the hardships my family members have experienced by being the first to benefit from a college education and in turn create a new tradition.

My father is a very intelligent man, an independent thinker who loves to nurture his businesses from the ground up. He has, throughout his life, become very business savvy, but this has taken years of trial and error. Because he did not receive a college education, his success did not come as easily as it may for college graduates. It has taken him many years to learn the science and balance of running a business, something that he could have gained an understanding for while earning a college degree. Despite my father's success, I do not intend to follow his route through life. I am fully determined to complete a college education. I feel that the knowledge I receive will give me the fundamentals and information needed to be truly successful and profitable in my life.

I am the fourth child of ten in my immediate family. Being toward the middle of the pack, most would expect that all of the "firsts" in the family have already been taken care of. This, however, is a false assumption. My older sister did not follow through with college while my two older brothers did not attempt a try. As a direct result of this, I have seen them struggle their way through life. Although all are still young, they do not seem able to enjoy their lives fully. This is because my siblings are constantly working to stay afloat. Observing the hardships of my family has helped me decide exactly what I do not want to do with my life. I do not want to hold a job in which I am surrounded by high school students who are trying to occupy their free time while I am a grown woman trying to support myself. Working toward becoming a CEO or a prosperous lawyer is a situation I would like to see myself doing when I am their age. I know that the only way this will be possible is by earning a degree. I do not want to follow in my elders footsteps, but instead I intend to create a new path that not only I, but my younger siblings as well, can follow. I would like to use my education to avoid unnecessary struggles for myself and the other members of my family. By receiving a college diploma, I would be completing a victory for my entire family.

Observing the adverse circumstances of those around me has shown me that I truly need and want to take advantage of a college education. I anticipate that doing so it will lead me to a fuller, more affluent life in the long run. I want to be the first in my family to do so therefore setting a precedent for my siblings. Completing a college education is my ultimate goal.
paranormale 4 / 32  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
I hope you get that college education you're looking for. :]
Speaking of college education. You use those words a lot in your essay try to switch it up a bit. Like "getting a college degree" or simply just "an education" would make it sound less repetitive.

"I do not want to follow in my elders footsteps, but instead I intend to create a new path that not only I, but my younger siblingsas well, can follow."

"I anticipate that doing soit will lead me to a fuller, more affluent life in the long run."

I hope I helped! Good luck!
bonitachica 1 / 12  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
Hi-

I think the last paragraph is unnessacary, it is just a repeat of what you already said and does not convey new ideas.

In this sentence: most would expect that all of the "firsts" in the family have already been taken care of . That makes sense but just seems too elementary, try to sum that up in one word like, attempted, completed or done.

Hope this helps!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 6, 2010   #4
I think that what you should add to the last paragraph is some discussion of your SPECIFIC goals. In fact, I think you should only talk about the family struggles you have seen (and the resulting desire to go to college) in the first half... only write about that in the first half, establishing this powerful motive to succeed.

Then, in the second half, discuss your plan for becoming wealthy and happy -- what business will you enter? What will be the special skill that enables you to thrive? How will you hone that skill at this school, with this school's programs, etc.?


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