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Appeals of Learning - FSU essay; Anatole's France (French poet) quote

MariettaA 2 / 12  
Nov 23, 2012   #1
The essay is an important part of your application. It assists the University in learning about you as an individual, independent of your academic grade point average, test scores, and other objective data. Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why?

Please insert a double space between paragraphs.

"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't," quoted by Anatole France a French poet, journalist, and novelist. As a well-rounded, caring, optimistic individual, I embrace learning. Learning seems to underlie every aspect of my life. With learning, there is growth, with growth there is awareness. Learning does not only take part in my classrooms, but in my environment, experiences, activities, and challenges. To me learning means to grasp intriguing universal findings and build character and create change. Learning itself cannot be measured, but its results can be.

Throughout my young life I have heard countless of times that "Education is the key to life time success." As a child, I did not grasp the actual significance of this statement. I always had dreams of being the next notable doctor or surgeon, and I knew for a fact that I enjoyed going to school to connect with peers and create stimulating entities. As I begin to mature, I realized that my education builds me as a person and as a future leader. From a very young age, I strive to be the best at everything I devoted my time to, even if it was to earn another gold star next to my name, it was that rewarding and kept me motivated. To learn something entirely new or of historical events makes it that much captivating to go and share my acquired knowledge with my siblings or peers. I realize from my experiences, practices, and studies in my school's rigorous nursing program that there are universal precautions for healthcare workers and patients. This nursing program has made me aware of how significant a healthy life-style, diet, and proper hygiene is to my body and its aging process.
hshsteven 2 / 3  
Nov 23, 2012   #2
Nice work!!!! with a lot of quotes.
You can add up a little bit and let readers know more about the nursing program.
OP MariettaA 2 / 12  
Nov 24, 2012   #3
Yeah Thanks. Its not finished yet, just wanted to see if i am heading in the write direction.
blahh09 1 / 2 1  
Nov 29, 2012   #4
A suggestion: Try making your hook more concise. You don't have to use this, but for instance:
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't," is a quote by Anatole France that emphasizes my ideals of education.
bhos 1 / 7 1  
Nov 29, 2012   #5
The first paragraph is too much of a "telling not showing". It seems you are pointing out your perks instead of providing examples for the reader to be able to distinguish these themselves. Consider moving the points in your introduction to your concluding paragraph, as they are still good things to point out.

As I bega n to mature,
From a very young age, I strived to be the best at everything

you're restatement of
From a very young age
As I begin to mature
Throughout my young life
seems redundant. Although essays aren't exactly looking for the most unique writing structure, varying your sentence and not starting each sentence with essentially the same meaning might be beneficial.

These are just little critiques! The meaning and message you're trying to convey is written well!
mrkrishan 2 / 15 3  
Nov 29, 2012   #6
That first sentence is actually also the exact definition of Socratic Humility so you could add a Socrates philo quote ;)

The first paragraph is definitely your strongest.

Dedicating my time to learn and inspiring others is one aspect of my life that will never cease to fade away.

If it never ceases to fade away, your saying that learning and inspiring others is an area of your life that will never stop fading away. Or that's how I interpreted it.

At work I've learned about speed of service and the value of hard earn money

Instead of speed of service, maybe you should use the word "efficiency"

This sentence is too long and confusing, you can either split it into two, or maybe adding a semicolon before nonetheless and a comma before summer idk the exact proper way to write it with semicolons though:

Also, I think you need a comma right before that Ghandi quotation, hope my feedback helped a little, please critique my prompt 2 or 1 as well!

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