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[Application essay]Dream to study abroad ...


yin 12 / 38  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Dear friends,
Please help me by letting your feedbacks, your experience and even your criticism on my first essay to apply for a university in Singapore.
Many thanks,
yin.

This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.

As there is only limited space (2000 characters), you are encouraged to present your ideas in focused and thoughtful manner.


I still clearly remember the lyrics of the song "What will be, will be" with peaceful melodies.

"When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be.
Will I be pretty, will I be rich.
Here's what she said to me.
Que sera, sera.
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours, to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be"

In truth, this is my most favorite song. However, I do not believe in the fact that "the future's not ours, to see; what will be, will be". If I believed in the so called "fate", there wouldn't be my passion to make my dream of studying overseas come true like this at the moment.

The way that leads me to studying business is rather tough and incidental. Especially, when I have a determination to make my dream of becoming a successful and globally influential businesswoman come true, it turns out to be more difficult to pursue. However, nothing's impossible!

I used to think that I would become a teacher not a businesswoman. I was born in a traditional family. My parents were teachers. I was deeply impacted by their thoughts. However, I changed my mind in the end. I chose Foreign Trade University, a university major in economics. Perhaps, I had rather pragmatic thoughts at that time. My biggest dream is to travel around the globe. If I became a teacher with average salary for teachers in Vietnam, would I make my dream come true? In addition, I wanted to challenge. FTU is one of the universities whose benchmark is the highest in my nation. I was nervous when applying for FTU because I had spent my high school's years at a small town without good conditions like students from big cities. Plus, I was not sure I had talent in the field of economics. I just had a wish to change the traditional path of my family. But after one year study at FTU, now, I'm confident to say that I can go further on the way conquering economic knowledge.

During the past year, I took part in many social activities. Frankly, I used to think that my main purpose to join extra activities was to make my achievements more colorful. Now, after years doing such activities, I regret there were such vile thoughts in my mind. I joined in SIFE team of FTU to conduct projects to help the poor and disabled. As a project leader of the project solving the environmental issues in Ben Tre province, I experienced lots of precious lessons from practical life, one of which was "To be a successful businessman, at first, you must learn how to give and how to live" I can feel that deeply in my heart there is love for the citizens living in the environment seriously polluted by the smoke from coconut coal.

I want to study abroad partly due to this reason. By this way, I can get the most updated knowledge from foreign countries to help my citizens. And of all universities considered, I choose NUS because I know that NUS can give me the best environment to make my dream come true. Conquering NUS is the first step of the plan for my future. Therefore, regardless of how far the way to NUS is, I will go till the end.
OP yin 12 / 38  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
Is there any comment? :(
Please help me!!!It's urgent!!!
Deadline comes near but I have no companions beside except for those in this forum.
this is the 1st time I write this kind of essay so I am very confused it is ok or not.
So, pls help me...
Thanks so much!!!
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
sorry I can't read all of your essay. it's quite long for ~2000 words

special talent, a personal experience or an activity

make sure you address the prompt more..FOCUS as it says.

However, they didn't complain me anything, especially their hardship and endeavor

edit

From the day I nurtured those thoughts, I studied harder and harder. I often got the rewards for the best student in my classes and schools. I was lucky because compared with friends at the same age in my small town; I had a special talent in English. I learnt English with a strong passion.

maybe this event? Maybe cut down and focus more on the fact that you realized that English is necessary for something? Or that event:

One last thing ....2000 characters...NOT words :|
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 13, 2009   #4
"As there is only limited space (2000 characters), you are encouraged to present your ideas in focused and thoughtful manner."
I'm not sure if you thoroughly read the prompt, but your essay is currently about 7000 characters, which is more than 3 times the character limit. That, needless to say, is a severe issue, and right now you either need to scrap this essay and write a new one, or severely cut it down. For me, it's actually more difficult to cut than it is to write, so I would just start over- but of course, it's a matter of personal working preference.

Instead of describing your entire life story, I would focus on a specific incident. For example- how your childhood affected your work ethic. Or the reasons you became interested in helping the environment. Or how you were inspired by the cultures of foreign overseas nations. You don't need to cover everything, and it would be impossible to do so in the character count. Just give a sense of yourself through one particular event or interest of yours! That's all the university is looking for.
OP yin 12 / 38  
Dec 14, 2009   #5
Thank you so much Jonathan Hsu and Rebecca L.
Maybe I should focus on one specific issue that lead me to the decision why choosing to study biz.
I wanna ask a question (maybe it's rather silly) that how can i estimate the number of characters?
When using MS Word, I just know to use tools to count the words. :|
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 14, 2009   #6
on word 2003, it's Tools>Word Count>Characters (with spaces)

again. choose one topic and narrow it down :P

discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.

<<keep that in mind as you write. this will help you take out what you don't need and help you add what you do.
OP yin 12 / 38  
Dec 14, 2009   #7
I'm sorry, this is the official version with 1986 characters.
Pls let your ideas right here.
Many thanks!!!
yin.
Eddy92 3 / 7  
Dec 14, 2009   #8
I think you can narrate it in a more interesting way rather than telling,you tried to cover too much,or you may want to connect them in a flow,try to slip information in your words and add more personal details which were in your first essay.
OP yin 12 / 38  
Dec 14, 2009   #9
Thank you for helping me.
Maybe I will hand it in. 8->
I luv essayforum :x
Thanks much :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 15, 2009   #10
Hello! I want to suggest cutting out this first paragraph. It is not because your insights are not good; it is because it would be so nice for the essay to start with this:

I used to think that I would become a teacher and not a businesswoman. I was born in a traditional family, and my parents were teachers, so I was deeply impacted by their thoughts. However, I changed...


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