Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community'

Greetings everyone,

My name is Peter Smoke, I am applying to Rutgers University for the Fall 2009 semester as a undergraduate student. I have attended Ocean County College in NJ for the past 2 years and am ready to move on. I will admit I am not good at writing essays, especially ones that are personal and have so much hinging on them.

A little bit about myself, I am 20 years old and have my own business that I run with a business partner while attending school full time. My company deals with green technology, specifically solar photovoltaic panels. We provide consultation, 3d design, and installation of solar systems. It is a huge aspect of my life and I love doing it despite how challenging it is. For the past year I have had a tough time trying to pin down exactly what my area of expertize would be as I do so much from marketing, design of the solar systems, customer relations, and general logistical support for our installers. Either I will walk away with a degree in Marketing or one in Environmental Engineering.

The problem I am having is integrating my business experience with my essay.

Here is the Rutgers Question:

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 4000 characters including spaces.

And here is an outline i started, attempting to answer the first question:

- Participating in programs that pertain to my interests and aspirations in life
- With the help of the excellent professors at Rutgers University I hope to expand my knowledge base and with this plethora of information and understanding become not only more valuable to the work force of the United States but apply it to new and unforeseen ways every day of my life.

- The community at Rutgers is vibrant and vivacious. I have witnessed this first hand and the cultural ambiguity of the people in New Brunswick is a sight that one must immerse his or her self in fully understanding. That is why I have always wanted to go to Rutgers, it is in being an actual student that the next step in my life can be taken.

- Rutgers is very well known for its special interest in the environment. It is my own passion for the environment that I primarily wish to be a part of this University.

- Special programs pertaining to Solar? Clubs, committees etc

Thanks in advance everyone for taking a look!

Peter

Lead with your experience running your own green business -- you'll get points both for initiative and for having practical experience in green technology. It's one thing to proclaim dedication to the environment (almost everybody does these days), but quite another to know how to design and install photovoltaic systems.

One caution, though: I think you mean cultural diversity, not ambiguity.

I think that they will be very impressed with your ownership of a business. I'd emphasize how that experience has taught you initiative, leadership, and responsibility. They are looking for an essay that will indicate your ability to be a successful student who brings something to the table-that something in your case would be your entrepreneurial experience, an experience most 20-year olds haven't had yet (and many people never will). The environmental aspect of your business is an added bonus. That you have gone to school full time while running a business shows that you are able to balance your life.

They say "Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences," but that doesn't mean that you need to hit each one of those areas. I see it as something to spark ideas for a direction in your essay instead of a checklist of what to include. If you don't have pertinent travel or cultural experiences, don't feel like you have to include something.

Good luck with it!

Think also about how you will use (or even might be able to use) everything you have learned from your business experience to contribute to the university. For instance, perhaps you have developed contacts in the wider environmental movement you could use to advance the causes of on-campus environmental groups. Or maybe you can use your marketing skills to promote the agenda of campus groups whose policies you agree with. Running a business requires a lot of different skills, so at least some of them are bound to be relevant to the goals you hope to achieve as a student.

Thank you everyone for the response's. I have been taking all of what has been said into consideration and have completed my essay. I spoke about the challenges I encountered in starting a business, the different aspect of running a business, and all of the things I had to educate myself about in regards to solar technology. Finally I used my experiences starting and operating a business and tied it in with what the Rutgers community offers and how I can assist with my skills in leadership and the future knowledge I hope to gain by being part of such a community.

Best Regards,

Peter

You could even post a draft of that essay here if you want some more feedback.

Well thank you for the opportunity for more feedback, here is my essay and I look forward to any and all criticism. On a side note I am lacking in the area of grammar expertise so I apologize in advance, I planned on having a friend proofread it tomorrow.

thank you so much guys!

Most people wait until they graduate from college to do what they have dreamed of. With their degree in hand, they march forward seizing the best jobs as quickly as they can get out of their graduate gowns. Then there are people like me who just couldn't wait to do what they love and since the beginning of my college career I have worked tirelessly and passionately to create my own business revolving around solar technology. The plethora of knowledge I familiarized myself with from small business management, research of solar technology, and designing solar systems for a dozen different applications has been a tremendous undertaking. Thankfully I have a good friend who graduated with a degree in finance who I partnered with who was able to provide vital financial analysis of the equipment to the people we work with on a daily basis.

Having a business that is your own is more than just research and development of a business strategy; it's about working with the people around you to achieve the goals you have set. Understanding that the core of our business are the people we serve has been quintessential to our success, and working with them to meet their needs from day one of our founding has been truly rewarding. We have helped people with varying incomes to save more, spend less, and better their family's lives with solar energy. Together with each person we serve we slowly reach a personal goal of mine of creating an energy independent state of New Jersey. It is my hope that I will apply my skills and experiences in this field and share what I know by engaging with the Rutgers community while striving to learn all that I can from the best professors in the world.

I chose to apply to Rutgers University because I believe that it embodies all that I hope to gain from my college experience. It offers an excellent education, a large campus and neighboring college community, and a wide variety of extracurricular activities. However, the most attractive aspect of the university is its diversity. I've learned the value of meeting and forming relationships with new and interesting people. I hope to become acquainted with those who share my passions and others who could perhaps help me find beauty in things that I am not already interested in. I believe Rutgers University is the outlet that I've been searching for with which to express my individuality and to expand my pride in my home of New Jersey.

First, the above sentence needs some commas, or else to be broken into two. The latter suggestion might be better, as you switch from third person "people" to "I" halfway through. So

"Then there are people like me who just couldn't wait to do what they love. Since the beginning of my college career, I have worked tirelessly and passionately to create my own business revolving around solar technology."

Reading on, I notice that you tend to favor long, wordy sentences. Try to break them down and compress them where possible:

"The plethora of knowledge I familiarized myself with fromI learned much about small business management, research of solar technology, and designing solar systems for a dozen different applications has been a tremendous undertaking. " Also, you really can't say you were designing solar systems. I know what you mean, and you are technically correct, but rephrase anyway. Also, why not add some specifics, and say what exactly you learned?

The above criticisms give you a good place to start when revising the rest of your essay, too. Simplify and shorten your sentences, while replacing generalities with specifics.

It's not just long, wordy sentences, which are ill-advised but grammatically correct. You write actual run-on sentences, which are grammatically incorrect. So, Sean's advise is not just a matter of style. Break those sentences down so that you don't make grammatical errors!

Thank you very much guys, I have taken everything you have said and adjusted it accordingly. What about the content? I did not want to come off as snobby or superior for creating my business, but rather as a passionate individual. I hope that is the impression I leave them with.

Thanks again!

Pete

It's not snobby to sing your own praises in an admission essay!