please help me with this essay I'm struggling with :)
The prompt: Describe the world you come from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
its not finished yet, but I need your comments and critiques.
THANKS!
My father owns a construction company which specializes in making hotels and resorts and my mother works in a structural construction company. They are the two people who primarily influence my decision to work in construction matters. Since I was only a little girl, my parents have frequently brought me to their offices. They would show me architectural designs, structural designs, and even some blueprints, eventually, I became interested to work in constructional matters, but it was not until I was in the 10th grade, where I got the chance to attend an internship at an architecture firm, that I became positive about becoming an architect. This firm has a minimalist style and specializes in designing hotels. I found the architectural designs and the house models displayed enthralling. I decided that architecture is the major I want to pursue.
If you ever heard of Indonesia, then you're one of the few people who either reads the news about Indonesia's criminal, natural disasters, or pollution issues. A research study mentioned that Indonesia is one of the most polluted country in the world. Its capital city, Jakarta, which is the city I live in, is said to be the fourth city with the most pollutant level after Beijing, New Delhi, and Mexico City according to The World Bank. However, in spite of all that, Indonesia is a beautiful country with admirable nature, a great diversity of human race, and countless animal variations. Isn't it a shame seeing all those potentials hidden under its flaws? The problem is where as people from other countries are giving a lot of effort to generate a healthy environment, Indonesians are busy developing their country without giving any attention to its environment. As a citizen, I feel responsible for the change I'm able to contribute to Indonesia and the change I will bring will be in the field I'm going to deepen, which is architecture.
As I've said before, the architectural designs of buildings in Indonesia are heedless of the severe level of pollution, they tend to use materials that are likely to be menacing to the environment and don't even bother to find a solution for them. Since the United States of America is a well-developed country, it is my dream to learn what Indonesia had not known about and I will use this knowledge to contribute a change, to make an ecologically sustainable, energy-efficient, healthy, yet beautiful architectural design which is more "green" than the designs in Indonesia are now, for example a building with glasses as the material for most of the walls, therefore, the people in the building wouldn't need too much lamp in afternoons because they can use the sun as a substitute.
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You get to the point really fast, which is great, however, I feel like you need a much more catchy intro. Remember that the admissions people will be reading hundreds if not thousands of essays. Yours needs to be one that stands out, that they will take time to read, and that they will like. Your essay is extremely passive and not aggressive. Some aggression is definitely good because it brings out your tone! Right now it seems as if you are just rambling or telling me something in a straightforward way. As a citizen, I feel responsible for the change you should change it to something like "I AM responsible for the change" instead of I FEEL responsible. it brings out how passionate you are for something if you use stranger language and a more aggressive tone
Hope this helps!!!
