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"Argentinian parents" - FSU admission essay "VIRES, ARTES, MORES"


Mari 1 / 1  
Jul 28, 2010   #1
Experiences I've gone through and learned through others have sculpted the person I am today. Vires embodies the morals I will never break, the endurance I have physically, and the intellect I hold. An important factor in my life is my family in which are the backbone to my every decision. My parents migrated from Argentina leaving everthing behind in order to give me the opportunities I have today. The American Dream was...

Azeri 10 / 137  
Jul 28, 2010   #2
Experinces I've gone through and learned through others have sculpted the person I am today. Vires embodies the morals I will never break, the endurance I have physically, and the intellect I hold.-- add one more sentence and use this part as an introduction.

An important factor in my life is my family in which areis the backbone to my every decision.

leaving everything behind

The American Dream was what they had in plan, and -- what was their plan? this part sound odd -- After many years of tireless toiland days they had enough to buy their own home. -- try to get rid off unnecessary expressions. Construct succinct sentences; composing long sentences is like choosing circuitous paths to reach the destination instead of direct ones.

At the time, my family and I lived in Miami where the neighborhoods were dangerous and the education was poor.

Two hours away my parents found a city where they could make their dreams realityhave their dreams fulfilled

I excelled in school where I kept..

Years after when the econmic problem boiled over the city I lived in were known for the highest national foreclourse rates.

My parents struggled for keeping a stable home for the family. but throughoutDespite all discoragements my family was still optimistic,and I- - insert comma when you join independent phrases -- learned at a very young age that it's not what you have in life, but who you have in it that counts.

As I got older I took on the responsiblilty and choose to be another helping hand in the Landaburu household. I started off by babysitting and mowing lawns. -- I suggest to split the sentence to make the second part sound stronger.

Later, as I grew more responsible, I cleaned houses and office buildings and operated Drive- Thru at the Steak & Shake Restaurant. - I inserted commas here. Although I don't remember the exact rule, natural pauses after "later" and "responsible" urged me to use commas.

I propose to separate this part as a conclusion:
As I reminice about all the troubled times I am left with the conclusion that my family will always come first, and no matter how much I sweat it's all worth it if I give it my all. I know the importance of my education because education and knowledge is priceless. - this phrase does not fit here. Also, it lengthens the sentence to the extend when it confuses a reader.

Good luck with your admission!
OP Mari 1 / 1  
Jul 29, 2010   #3
Thank you so much !
This is what I got so far.. I doubt I'm done I'll poke at it a little bit more
thanks again

Experinces I've gone through and learned through others have sculpted the person I am today. Vires embodies the morals I will never break, the endurance I have physically, and the intellect I hold. And as you read this I hope you acknowlege me as the genuine person I am.

An important factor in my life is my family which is the backbone to my every decision.
My parents migrated from Argentina leaving everything behind in order to give me the oppurtunities I have today. After years of tireless toil they had enough to buy their own home.

At the time, my family and I lived in Miami ...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jul 30, 2010   #4
Experinces I've gone through and learned through others have scuplted the person I am today.

This is an example of a sentence that gets you off to a slow start...
What it amounts to is this:
Experiences have sculpted the person I am today.--- but this does not say anything meaningful. Experiences sculpt us all.

Vires embodies the morals I will never break, the endurance I have physically, and the intellect I hold. --- this is a nice sentence.

And as you read this I hope you acknowlege me as the genuine person I am.---- why do you say this? It is a little offensive to the reader, because you have no reason to assume that the reader needs to be reminded that you are a genuine person. Let me look to see what you are really trying to say...

you are saying this:
I learned Vires from my parents.

You wrote this essay about your parents' Vires and how you embraced the spirit of hard work and personal strength. It is great! Now go back to the beginning and give it a proper introduction. Introduce it by saying only what you mean: My parents' demonstrated Vires by working hard to provide everything for me, and I am following their example.

:-)


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