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My army stint as a specialist; SMU Admission/ Achievement Essay



omarnasri 1 / -  
Dec 19, 2012   #1
Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well.

(Max 300 words)

goodday guys! would really appreciate any help/criticism/advice on my short essay for university admission !

//start

To me, the most important achievement will be my army stint as a specialist. Passing out from command school and having been a councillor in college led me to naively believe that command and leadership would be child's play.

This imprudent thought vanquished the day I was posted to a unit with thirty men under me. They came from different backgrounds; some with basic qualifications and some were from top colleges. I was faced with a difficulty right from the start. How do I communicate effectively with everyone? And then, there were some who were significantly older than me. What kind of command approach should I take? Do I assert my authority? All these questions were not taught to me back at command school nor in leadership workshops in college.

I was overwhelmed.

Even though I have assumed the role of a "leader" during my training days, I was then, leading groups of cadets who were motivated. Taking on the role of a leader for a group of uninterested and demotivated soldiers, I soon realised that beside my main duties, there was much to be done.

Through multifarious engagement approaches at individual and group level, I started to gain a foothold in my role. My commitment to inspire my men paid off when I started noticing how most were motivated to perform their duties. While I was able to affirm my role, it was not always smooth sailing. There were occasions where I had to come down with hard decisions which affected morale. In the bout, I started to learn how to balance between tough decision makings and welfare, and to be a leader able to influence without authority.

The invaluable life skills and experience garnered during my tour, I feel, is a lifetime achievement.

//Current word count is 295/300

dumi 1 / 6793  
Dec 19, 2012   #2
Hi,

To me, the most important achievement will be my army stint as a specialist.

....I feel you can even do away with this line and start with the second line. The reason is you well explain why you consider this as your best achievement throughout the essay : )

And then, there were some who were significantly older than me.

I think this line should come soon after;

They came from different backgrounds; some with basic qualifications and some were from top colleges.

How do I communicate effectively with everyone when they are so diverse?

How do I communicate effectively with everyone when they are so diverse?


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