Hello, this is my first time posting. I would love some feedback with regards to flow, grammar, transitions, organization, etc. I wrote this essay last Saturday after starting over four times; at first, the essay was 568, but I was able to cut it to 498. I want to make sure I didn't lose any meaning and that I don't have to many simple sentence; I feel like there are a lot because of the dialogue. Also, do you think this essay is sufficient for a school like Johns Hopkins? Thanks.
The Art of Bone
One bowl of homemade paper-mache, one newspaper, one roll of masking tape, one pair of women's stockings, and thirty-six AP European History essay's sit before me. After I tear all but one essay to shreds, I realize no. 36-The Civilization essay, the last I wrote, the only unfinished, has to remain whole.
"While writing an essay, I leaned on my elbow. It slid, twisted, and positioned itself beneath my body, between my mattress and my back," I would tell my teacher and doctor.
My left elbow, the lever to shifting and vibrating on my violin, the prime mover while lifting weights, and the co-commander of my keyboard, let me down two days before a ceremonious string of AP tests.
Thursday, AP European History, "Alana, don't worry about finishing the essay. I know you're in a lot of pain, but I have to say in all my years of teaching, I've never had a student injure herself, while doing homework," exclaimed Mrs. Funk in disbelief. "Please tell the class how you did that," she suggested.
"Well...I sort of tweaked my elbow while writing the essay," I announced. My classmates chuckled in epiphany and beamed in admiration; I couldn't resist joining in.
Friday, Dr. Brigham's office: "I wrote an essay, while I laid in a reclined position, when my elbow joint slid and twisted, embellishing itself as tennis ball in the midst of three-way traffic, a humerus, ulna, and radius," I disclosed.
His face froze, crinkled, resolved, and then crinkled again; his perplexed state revealed his experience treating star athletes, arthritic senior citizens, and undeniable klutzes, but not an assiduous essay writer with a self-dubbed "freak accident."
"Can you say that again?" he questioningly stated.
"My elbow slid beneath my body," I relayed.
He thought once more, then shook his head, "okay, got it," he approved, as he gesticulated the motion I described.
"Alana, continue to wear the sling, but in addition, you need to wear this splint," advised Dr. Brigham.
After leaving Dr. Brigham's office, I hustled to school for the AP test. I sat in the library sporting an unlikely companion for success, my snow globe.
The test proctor spotted my snow globe and walked over. "Is that for good luck?" she whispered.
"Oh no," I giggled. "I'm using it as a paper weight, to compensate for one arm, so my test won't move."
"Good idea," she replied.
After the test my classmates and I ran outside to the track to tell Mrs. Funk how we felt we did; I cautiously followed, propelling myself forward with my sling.
"How did you hold up," she asked.
"Well enough, I smiled.
I crumble pages of newspaper, stuff them into each stocking and tie a knot. I then wrap masking-tape around each stocking manipulating one into an ulna and the other into a radius. After I dip pieces of essay confetti into the paper mache, I use them to cover the bones, just like a bandage.
The Art of Bone
One bowl of homemade paper-mache, one newspaper, one roll of masking tape, one pair of women's stockings, and thirty-six AP European History essay's sit before me. After I tear all but one essay to shreds, I realize no. 36-The Civilization essay, the last I wrote, the only unfinished, has to remain whole.
"While writing an essay, I leaned on my elbow. It slid, twisted, and positioned itself beneath my body, between my mattress and my back," I would tell my teacher and doctor.
My left elbow, the lever to shifting and vibrating on my violin, the prime mover while lifting weights, and the co-commander of my keyboard, let me down two days before a ceremonious string of AP tests.
Thursday, AP European History, "Alana, don't worry about finishing the essay. I know you're in a lot of pain, but I have to say in all my years of teaching, I've never had a student injure herself, while doing homework," exclaimed Mrs. Funk in disbelief. "Please tell the class how you did that," she suggested.
"Well...I sort of tweaked my elbow while writing the essay," I announced. My classmates chuckled in epiphany and beamed in admiration; I couldn't resist joining in.
Friday, Dr. Brigham's office: "I wrote an essay, while I laid in a reclined position, when my elbow joint slid and twisted, embellishing itself as tennis ball in the midst of three-way traffic, a humerus, ulna, and radius," I disclosed.
His face froze, crinkled, resolved, and then crinkled again; his perplexed state revealed his experience treating star athletes, arthritic senior citizens, and undeniable klutzes, but not an assiduous essay writer with a self-dubbed "freak accident."
"Can you say that again?" he questioningly stated.
"My elbow slid beneath my body," I relayed.
He thought once more, then shook his head, "okay, got it," he approved, as he gesticulated the motion I described.
"Alana, continue to wear the sling, but in addition, you need to wear this splint," advised Dr. Brigham.
After leaving Dr. Brigham's office, I hustled to school for the AP test. I sat in the library sporting an unlikely companion for success, my snow globe.
The test proctor spotted my snow globe and walked over. "Is that for good luck?" she whispered.
"Oh no," I giggled. "I'm using it as a paper weight, to compensate for one arm, so my test won't move."
"Good idea," she replied.
After the test my classmates and I ran outside to the track to tell Mrs. Funk how we felt we did; I cautiously followed, propelling myself forward with my sling.
"How did you hold up," she asked.
"Well enough, I smiled.
I crumble pages of newspaper, stuff them into each stocking and tie a knot. I then wrap masking-tape around each stocking manipulating one into an ulna and the other into a radius. After I dip pieces of essay confetti into the paper mache, I use them to cover the bones, just like a bandage.
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