'artists, scholars, scientists, and activists' - Why Sarah Lawrence College?

Any feedback, any, would be great. :)

Our sanctuary is made up of drool-ridden pillows and dirty blankets. The three foot high computer chair stands proudly in the center, serving as the pillar that holds our fortress together. To an outsider, my cousin's flawless architectural skills seem to be wasted on blueprints for our secret headquarters made of goose down and polyester. The textbooks anchoring the blankets from the bedside seem to be a waste. We have everything we possibly need sitting here: a lukewarm 12-oz bottle of Sunkist, music, and a plate of Aunt Tess's home-made noodles. To everybody else, our fort is a disaster zone. Yet to us, my cousins and I, this motley is home.

This was one of the many products from our overly-active imaginations. We loved to imagine, we loved to dream. In plain dirt backyards, we saw dinosaur excavation sites. Under rocks, there were cobra snakes instead of worms. In the sky, fish flew. We were the descendants of Peter Pan, conquerors of eternal youth, both uncovering and creating the world with our fingertips. Through what one would call "mere child's play," an innate, passionate flame was kindled inside of me. My imagination fueled my curiosity, and my curiosity fueled my desire to learn about anything that fascinates me. It was a simple time, yet its memories made me grow to be the adventurer I am today.

I still love to imagine. I still love to dream. I still love to learn. And because of who I am, I am drawn to Sarah Lawrence College. It is all too alike to the pillow forts I made during those youthful nights. Yet instead of the drool-ridden pillows and dirty blankets, it offers a path pieced together by a medley of studies. I will be able to harness my childlike wonder and fascination and look at both the stars and the sea. Within its walls there is a union between scientific and artistic thought, allowing curious students such as myself to choose their own path and decide their own educational future. SLC offers the academic freedom necessary for me to explore my own interests in depth and delve into new ones. Through Sarah Lawrence's educational structure, I will be able to get a unique education I can truly call my own, which would in turn shape me into the well-rounded learner I aim to be.

Sarah Lawrence College fosters more than just artists, scholars, scientists, and activists. It houses imaginers, dreamers, and learners. I imagine, I dream, I learn. If I am a descendant of Peter Pan, then Sarah Lawrence is Never Never Land.

Ilani,
Thanks for sharing your essay. Please review my corrections and let
me know what you think about them. Overall, well done.

I changed the tense in the first paragraph so that the reader isn't confused
about when these forts were constructed. I also noted places in the essay
that would benefit from more detail. In the admissions department, there are
two types of essays: decided majors and undecided majors. Unfortunately, yours
falls into the latter type. It's the reason I crossed out the last sentence. If you
had said you were going to major in so-and-so and discover this theory or have
written a published novel and wanted to further develop such-and-such, then I
may have neen more sympathetic. However, that's not the case here. Peter Pan
has been used so many times over the years anyways. If you want
original you have to come up with something original yourself. Originality is an art.

PS I chose to respond to your essay, b/c I too constructed many many pillow forts.
It was one of my favorite things to do aside from balancing on the top of an old sofa
and jumping down steps. How did I never break a bone?

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Dear Ilani,

Here's the edited version. SLC is a good school.
I hope it works out.

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