'Assisting others without compensation' - FSU Admissions

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.-

When explaining how "Vires, Artes, Mores" is significant to my life, it does no justice to separate these words and treat them as individual statements. I believe strength is nothing without character, character is nothing without beauty, and beauty is nothing without strength. You can never learn to appreciate any one of them, without a proper balance of these three characteristics. So instead of explaining how any one is embodied in me, I believe it to be necessary to explain situations in which all three were exemplified.

Upon entering high school, I have admired all who called themselves an FSU Seminole. However, it would be fabrication to state that the moment I stepped onto the grounds, I considered education to be my antecedent. Like many average students, school was merely a structure for me to amalgamate myself with the social hierarchy. It wasn't until I was called by my guidance counselor did I come to realize that my future was suffering. An acute lack of maturity was playing a big role in the solidification of an average future. It was then that I realized I needed an immediate alteration of my priorities. This revelation marked the dawn of my embodiment of "Vires, Artes, Mores".

There are no excuses for my lack of a 4.2 GPA. I also didn't score a 1600 on the SAT. But I do enjoy helping people, and I believe this trait tells more of a person than any recorded number ever can. It's just as important as my GPA and SAT scores to know that every job I've had values customer service to the utmost extent. It can be debated that I showed great customer service because of the supreme motivator, money. It's a much more arduous debate on why I'm an active "volunteer" of Big Brothers Big Sisters Inc. "Vires, Artes, Mores" is symbolic in me because I don't mind assisting others without being compensated. This is where strength comes in. The will to work for nothing other than the piece of mind that someone, if not you, is benefiting. And that strength alludes to my belief in solid custom. The beauty of it all is specified under my belief in doing nothing with the intention of applying oneself less than 100% to any task.

When speaking of past experiences, it seems as if I'm boasting more than informing of the actual experience. Thus, it's quite imperative to know that volunteer work, to me presently, is just as important as a high school GPA. This is because it measures the "Vires, Artes, Mores" content in a person. I have an above average GPA. It's not amazing and it doesn't prove that I excelled in high school, but the fact that I willingly help others does. This being said, FSU would provide an unparalleled atmosphere in which to further expand my knowledge of the engineering field and better myself as a person in the coming years and beyond.

Not that it's not good, but Llamapoop123 did you a favor by crossing off a bit from your essay..
The intro was all about "what you're about to say" and why do you chose to write about it that way.. don't do that. You do not justify what you write, you just type it ;)

and try not to mention scores and GPAs.. it totally weakened your essay.. try to focus on stuff that will move the readers. And don't say "what" you have done.. describe it! Don't say that u like helping ppl, give an example..


symbolic in me?
and it's not clear that assisting others without compensation includes strength, arts, or culture

I think you should focus more on finding more relevant examples

Any suggestions on the opening paragraph.

^You would be in big trouble if your admissions officer's name is Joe. I don't understand why you choose the name Joe. This idea is degrading even if you took out the name anyway.

ok, are there any more kinks to work out?

That first paragraph is incredibly pretentious. Please make it sound less snobby and elitist. (You even use the words "elite individuals;" even though you're talking about the reader's school, I don't think he'll be charmed by the grandiose here).

It doesn't end with the intro. Some of your sentences are constructed with an arrogantly showy tone. Most of the times it's because of questionable word choice, which I can tell happened because you were trying to make yourself sound impressive:


Even with the colon, I don't think you should have a fragment here. "Embody to a degree that advocates competence"? How does your embodiment advocate something, much less competence? How do you advocate competence? I can advocate for someone because they are competent, but to advocate competence is akin to saying good things are good. And to a degree?


Into the social hierarchy... You're trying to say that you spent too much time at parties. What you ended up saying is you merged yourself with... a social hierarchy. You created a hybrid hierarchy+Adam structure. Perhaps you integrated yourself into the hierarchy, but even then, hierarchies are meant to be integrated into, and being identified with a particular set of people doesn't mean you have to slack off. So let's ditch the phrase altogether and just say that you put your social life before school, or you slacked off with your friends.


Your lack of maturity was probably chronic, not acute. It played a big role in the solidification of an average future? Or it tanked your grades.


You needed to change, or if you really want to use a big word, reevaluate your priorities.


Common misuse of the word plethora, which implies you have too much of something. If you've designed a plethora of web site templates, then you probably wasted your own time making so many. Also, I have no idea what "without lacking concept" means. You never stopped having concepts for new designs? That would explain why there are so many of them.

In an effort to sound rigid and professional, the essay becomes very unusual to read. I'll throw out a guess: Microsoft Office's thesaurus feature.

The essay itself has such stale content. You play sports and take honors classes, one of which being a Web Design program that you have homework in. It's no wonder you had to qualify the whole paragraph before hand with "the amount of skill" it takes to do these things. You should consider telling us more specifically about the challenges you overcome in Web Design or as a volunteer; that would make this essay more about your vires and mores, and less a story about your average day going to school and playing football.

Alright then, thanks for the help, and trust me...I don't mind criticism, so if you have any more suggestions, I would be happy to oblige