Hello Peers,
I am applyin to UT Austin as a transfer student. The probkem I keep running into is it sounds too autobiographical. I dont want to come across as tooting my own horn or be too heavy on previous work experience. i would love if someone could give me some critcism on my rough draft. Thank You
My Rough Draft:
I have always been interested in nursing. But I didn't realize it till later on in life after being married and having two kids. When I was younger I took a pharmacy technician course and passed my California state board exam as well as my national certification from the Pharmacy technician certification board. I never worked as pharmacy technician, I took a once in a lifetime opportunity to work in the entertainment industry. I started as an assistant set decorator and worked my way up to property master my boss told me to lie about my age because no one would hire a property master who was under 25. I told her that that was my accomplishment I have done what most 30 year old men couldn't do, and I was a 25 year old woman. Something was missing though, I was at the head of my new career with opportunity aplenty, I and I wasn't fulfilled, I decided to take a more traditional corporate route and worked at CBS Studios in Hollywood. I started as a production assistant, running errands, typing transcripts, and shadowing people who were directors and producers. Then I heard about an internal opening for a news editor, I asked my department manager if I could take some editing classes to be an editor for the company and she thought that was a great idea. After I finished my editing classes she assigned me to not the news room but to a new show they were producing for the Los Angeles market; because of my previous experience she thought my leadership skills and industry knowledge would help with managing the post production crew better . I jumped at the opportunity, and worked as an assistant editor for many television shows produced by FOX, Byron Allen, and CBS Studios .I was admired by my colleagues and respected by my bosses. But then again I was not fulfilled.
I asked my boyfriend, who is now my husband, what his thoughts were and he told me to go back to the Pharmacy Technician field. He said when I was taking about television versus medications I had more passion in my words for medicine. I asked my closest friends what they thought of that and they all agreed that would be better off in the pharmacy. After digesting everyone's advice I looked inside of me and discovered that what I loved most about my job in the entertainment industry was working with diverse and colorful personalities and having to think on my feet. Nursing would be the perfect profession, I love learning about mediine and the fast pace nature of the nursing field.
-What do you think?
You're supposed to tell why you belong at the school, so don't worry about "bragging."
Look up the phrase "comma splice."
Normally, usage isn't the most important factor in an admissions essay but mechanical errors kill this thing.
Also, you might be overdoing the TV experience. I don't see a direct connection between your past and your future.
Thank you for the writing mechanics help. I do have a problem with comma splicing, and I rely on spell check too much. The TV experience is where i am struggling, because i have no previous volunteer work or medical field experience. Also, i have no extracirriculars from the community college. All I have are good grades and semester gaps from moving and pregnancies. How can i parlay those into a good essay?
Also, i have no extracirriculars from the community college. All I have are good grades and semester gaps from moving and pregnancies. How can i parlay those into a good essay?
Great question.
Luckily, extracurriculars are overrated. Admissions officers know that not everyone has time to give away.
The way to distinguish yourself is to tell how you are different from EVERYONE ELSE in this universe.
You should explain a little more why you were interested in becoming a pharmacy technician, how you got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work in entertainment, and why you chose to give all of your prior education up for it.
Another way to distinguish yourself is to write about how your education, your work experience, and your family experience will help you become a successful nurse.
thank you both for your help and critisism. Here is my latest version, (it has some grammerical errors and spelling errors):
Integrity, leadership, and determination. These are the values that I hold dear to my heart. I have learned many important life lessons in my thirty one years. I learned that the choices we make are all conscious and weighed at that specific moment in our lives. Their is no right or wrong path to take, because the grass is always greener on the other side. In high school I made some good and bad choices. I chose to join the drill team and make great friends as well as have a sense of school pride, I also chose to fall in with a bad crowd. The latter decision caused me to fall a whole year behind in credits. I was faced with not being able to graduate on time. A teacher once told me, "you deserve what you accept." I wasn't going to accept not graduating. I enrolled in independent study, as well as after school credit make up sessions , along with my regular classes. I studied seven days a week from the hours of seven in the morning till seven at night for an entire school year. I was exhausted, but I did it, and I graduated with a b average to boot. I was able to walk across the stage, shake the principals hand a know that I truly earned that piece of paper that made all my hard work worth it.
After high school I enrolled in a pharmacy technician program. I loved it. I graduated with one of the highest scores and I also passed the national certification through the Pharmacy technician.
Certification Board. I was all set to start my new career in medicine and then out
the blue a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity came knocking at my door. My estranged father called, he told me how proud hw was that I took responsibility for my own actions and worked so hard to graduate. He wanted to suprrse me with a job, he lined up a position for me as a set decorator on a movie and that if I passed it up I might never get this opportunity again. I was torn. Should I go on the path that I already carved out for my self or should I carve a new one? I always wanted to be closer to my father and how amazing would it be to work in the studios! I would be around movie stars, producers, and directors, as well as making really good money all with a high school diploma. I choose to abandon my pharmacy technician career and work in the studios.
For the next ten years I held a few different jobs in the entertainment industry. I started out as a set decorator for low budget and independent films, as well as commercials. I worked my way up as an executive assistant at CBS Studios in Hollywood working on the show "Survivor." I eventually became an assistant television editor and worked on many shows for FOX,and The Discovery Channel. The lessons I learned that in high school prepared me for the mental and physical stamina I needed to succeed in a very difficult field, and male dominated industry. I was only twenty eight and I achieved what most college graduates in their thirties achieve,what more could I want? I wanted to finish what I worked so hard for, my pharmacy technician career. I wanted to go back to the pharmacy,unfortunately I never renewed my state and national licenses. I faced the reality that my pharmacy technician career was never going to be. But that's what I chose to do. I decided to take a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I turned it into a successful career. I gained invaluable lessons from my bosses and co-workers, I worked my way up the ladder and got to where I was by hard work, diligence, and always being a fair, and honest person. My mother taught me to always "help the people who helped you." Knowing that the knowledge I passed on to others who were just starting out helped them in their lives and careers was one of the highlight in my studio career. I had left my mark in that industry and the friends that I helped, and now it was time to move on and embark on a new journey, to a path that I alone wanted for me.
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you...
This biggest problem I see is that you tend to wander back and forth between pharmacy and studio.
Move things around so that this is more coherent. Then we'll deal with grammar, word choice, etc.
The field of study that I am most passionate about is nursing. My goal is to earn my B.S.N. What first sparked my interest in the health care industry was when I took a pharmacy technician course. I enjoyed exploring the world of pharmaceuticals and learning about their interactions with the body. I was particularly fascinated with how the human body metabolizes the medicines and uses them to pacify, or even cure illnesses. While I was completing my pharmaceutical externship I would watch the lead technician's compound and mix suspensions, although I was fascinated with the actual work, I found myself wanting to be directly involved with the patients. I knew that my knowledge of pharmaceuticals and dosage calculations would assist me in better serving these patients.
On a more personal level I wanted be a nurse when my grandmother fell ill. She was in and out of hospitals for the last four years of her life, and she needed constant care at her home. As I did have some experience in medicine I helped schedule her doctor appointments, drove her to wherever she needed, picked up her medications, and made sure that she took the right medication at the correct time. At the end of the day I would often sit with her and review her medical bills and explain what the charges were, and what the medical code meant, and explain anything I could about her medications. Quite often she would tell me that she was so relieved and thankful that she had someone whom truly cared about helping return her body and mind back to health. Her words made me realize that I needed, and wanted, more knowledge in medicine so that I could have done more for her.
In the head-spinning world of raising children, I have learned that being prepared for your plans to change is an essential habit. When I had my daughter I knew that I would have to take time off from school, but I planned to go back the following semester. Within that time my husband received an amazing job opportunity and we would be moving to Austin, Texas. Shortly after I gained my in-state residency status and began to take classes at Austin Community College, I became pregnant with my son. I was overwhelmed with the thought of going back to school, and raising two children with no family or friends that could help. I felt like I was never going to finish school-that my opportunity had passed. But knowing that I was present for the big moments in my children's lives and that I helped shaped who they are today, kept my fire stoked. I learned to keep a positive outlook and to not get downhearted when things don't go exactly according to plan. When you cannot be flexible, you set yourself up for failure; life is unpredictable, so go with the flow and not against it. To continue the train metaphor, while pursuing my career goals as a nurse were temporarily interrupted by duty to family; they are by no means "derailed".
The person that I am today, I owe in part to my children. They, and others have made me want to better myself as a person and excel in my studies so that I can use my knowledge to help others, especially those struggling with illness and pain. My children, and the personal experiences that I mentioned earlier, have taught me patience, endurance, and how a person could completely let go of their own ego, in order to be a part of something greater. I am always striving to be more than I am, to achieve more than I have, and to improve my skills and knowledge, so I can be the best mother, and with your consideration, the best nurse I can be.
How can University of Texas help me achieve my goals? I hope I have explained the motivation to be a nurse, and demonstrated my abilities through previous experience in the field to do the job. I have chosen the University of Texas as the best place to get the tools to do the job based on the university's outstanding academic reputation and achievements by University of Texas alumni in the healthcare field. I plan to continue my education past a bachelor's degree and to eventually become a nursing educator.
In conclusion, I ask your careful consideration of my application. If you decide to admit me as an undergraduate student, I can guarantee you that I will attend the University of Texas education to be a credit to your school, myself, and the nursing profession.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
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