"To avoid becoming a sheep" - Common App Essay - Second try

I'm not really good with conclusions, so please tell me if it isn't sufficient.

Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Every morning, I wake up to the sight of sheep: sheep getting into their cars, sheep rushing to work and sheep carrying their backpacks and heading to school. These 'sheep' are the people who have no definite aims in life: all they do is move with the flow. If the flock finds a patch of nice grass to graze in, they blindly follow. Likewise, if a new style of jeans is out, they gladly imitate their peers, thinking that doing so makes them 'cool'. As a consequence, the things these people do are extremely predictable, and observing and living with such single-minded people gets to you eventually.

Since I'm lucky enough to be able to discern these patterns in human beings, my first aim in life is to definitely avoid becoming a sheep. To achieve this aim, I make sure my social life is not the key to my living, and can be started anew if necessary. I also make sure I have a set of goals in place for the present and future, and, most importantly, I aim for success, and nothing but success. By using this set of rules and sticking to it, I am capable of setting myself apart from the rest of the flock, and eventually, succeeding in life.

Truth be told, adapting my mindset to be able to interact with the people around me and simultaneously fulfill my goals hasn't been an easy task; that is, I was required to take to the road step by step. The first step of the long journey leading to the realization of my aspirations was reading. Since I started learning the English language, I was fascinated by books. I regarded them in awe, and looked at them like they contained the key to infinite knowledge. From that point onwards, I read. And I read... and read... and read even more. I read books of all genres and subjects. I read fiction and non-fiction alike. I read about history, geography, archaeology, astronomy, and I even read dictionaries and atlases. The books I read were utterly unrelated and seemed out of the ordinary for a boy of my age. But the information I gathered during those years has benefited me a lot, and is still aiding me until this day. In my own way, I found out that there is no limit to the amount you can read, nor is there a limit to the amount of information your mind can absorb. The possibilities are endless.

Understanding everything around me and applying it to daily life was the second step. This consisted of constantly reading newspapers, watching the news, and more recently, reading several blogs on the Internet. I continued enhancing my 'library' of information by reading several books and watching several documentaries on current happenings in the world, pertaining to topics such as conspiracy theories and loopholes in the global economic system. I took only what I deemed rational from these theories and claims, and formed my own way of thinking; my own mindset. This steady flow of information also keeps my mind working, and increases my knowledge of the world further and further. This flow also helps me pinpoint flaws in my way of life, and from there, I try my best to fix them. For instance, recently, I learned that a sharp and resourceful mind is not enough to attain success. Therefore, I began training the physical aspects of my body to achieve an optimal combination of both mind and body. By mixing and matching all of the above, I have reached a near-perfect lifestyle that keeps me as far as possible from outer influences and allows me to improve day by day. Of course, this lifestyle still requires some fine tuning; that, I will hopefully be working on in the coming years.

The last step of the journey is the step I haven't reached yet, and that is university. University is my gateway to the world, and there, I will be able to work on and fulfill my goals to the utmost of my capability. I'm also confident that I will find other ambitious people out there who will either help me, or challenge me at what I intend to do. I just hope that you didn't get the idea that I'm the type of person who thinks he's above all - a narcissist. On the contrary - I am absolutely positive that there are thousands of people who are far more superior to me, and will provide me with a challenge that I cannot refuse.

I suggest just saying single mindedness because saying the word people a lot gets redundant.


I think you should eliminate that sentence that I crossed out because we get the point. You Love Reading!


How did reading benefit you and aid you during your life? Also I don't think your allowed to start a sentence with the word "But." I suggest you put a comma and join it into the previous sentence.

In the 4th paragraph, you used the word "several" a lot. I suggest changing it.


I don't like that sentence at all. First of all you should not be speaking to the readers and telling them that this is what you are and this is what you are not. They are supposed to gather your personality from the way you right.

This essay is good, but honestly I do not see the significant experience that you faced. All you did was talk about how you liked to read and how reading shaped you and gave you knowledge. You went about writing this the wrong way. You mentioned that your learning English, I think that should be your primary topic, and through that you talk about how its been such a huge obstacle learning English, but when you discovered books, it changed your life. This is just my opinion and what I gathered from your essay. I hope I was of help :)

Thanks a lot for the criticism. I appreciate it.

A good strategy for writing the conclusion is to try to capture the message of the essay in a single paragraph.
For the thesis, send that message in a single sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

---single-minded people gets to you eventually. ---I think you should change this to "got to me eventually."

single-minded usually means determined! So, a different word would be better.

Truth be told, adapting my mindset to be able to interact with the people around me and simultaneously fulfill my goals hasn't been an easy task; that is, I was required to take to the road step by step. -----not a good sentence. I think I know what you mean, but if you look at the sentence objectively you'll see that it is just not a very good thing to say.

This essay needs to be rewritten with a focus on a few specific goals... or one or two career possibilities that interest you. This is very general: , I will be able to work on and fulfill my goals to the utmost of my capability.---And a lot of your claims are general. It is no good to talk about the fact that you read a lot. Instead, talk about the articles you have read, the ones that have helped you to determine what careers you want to have.

:-)