"the awareness concerning prosthetics" - UVA Supplement- Engineering

I have no idea if this even answers the prompt, and if anyone could give me another word for prosthetic (I think I used it too much), that would be great. It's supposed to be around half a page/250 words and I have 293 words. Help would be greatly appreciated!

Prompt: If you were given a $10,000 budget and the opportunity to build a small team of talented motivated individuals, what would you propose to accomplish?

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In that hospital room, amongst the drab curtains, boring furniture, seeing him on the bed- this was my epiphany. This was what I felt the need to prevent; this was my future. It took a fragile man who lost one arm, a cold January evening, and a street in Downtown Toronto for me to realize the increasing problems in current prosthetics.

Prosthetics have been used as augments of the body for over a century. From prosthetic arms to prosthetic eyes, humans have been able to replace the most vital parts of themselves. However, amputees still experience great difficulties with the prosthetics they use. These artificial body parts can be very heavy in weight and inefficient, lowering an amputee's ability to perform simple daily tasks.

Electroactive polymers, the substances that create artificial muscle, are polymers that have the ability to change in size and shape depending on the stimulation of an electrical field. These polymers are fairly light weight when considering their exceptional strength, since they can in fact withstand great amounts of force. With the use of ionic electroactive polymers, the artificial arm will be able to be almost as strong, if not as strong, as an actual human arm, without any excess baggage.

Though various scientists have previously researched the use of artificial muscle polymers to create a replication of the human arm, this concept has not come into affect. A plausible reason for this lack of progress is need of funding for projects concerning prosthetics. Amputees face many complications with their current prosthetics body supplements, and cannot function like average people. This is a growing problem in our society, and when I first met the man that cold January evening, I did not foresee the awareness I would grow concerning prosthetics.

Amazing Jara! I did not see any technical errors, even upon rereading it. so good job on that. as far as taking out some of the words, even though this length should not be a problem, i would say you should cut on the description of the man



i would find a way to cut down one of these three sentences, which should take care of the length. you can either combine the first and the third sentences into one concise statement..or eliminate the third sentence on the whole because you have already stressed the importance of the amputee in arising your concerns with prosthetics in the other parts of the essay

good luck

don't forget to critique my Rice and/or WM essays :)

I'm really impressed with this thread -- with the essay and also the critique by AmazingA.

The essay is already great, and it is so great that I think it is a shame not to make the conclusion a little longer. I wish you would add a few sentences to that conclusion and discuss your short term and long term goals. Nothing is really missing from the essay, but it could be even more impressive if this discussion concluded with a few sentences about your 'action plan.'

:-)

Thank you, both of you!
And yes, I managed to add a few sentences about my action plan by condensing other parts :)
Hopefully, it was fit for UVA