Bachelor of Biology/Psychology -G.Washington University Transfer Admission Essay

I just made a last minute decision to apply to GWU. April 1st is the deadline so I don't have much time. Here's a rough draft copy of my essay. I haven't finished it yet because I'm not sure what else I should say. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Please edit and correct as much as you can. Thank you!

Tell us in approximately 500 words why at this point in your academic or professional career you would like to transfer to GW?

"Asma, why don't you consider the George Washington University?" asked my mother just a few days ago. I had never really thought of attending the George Washington University as an undergraduate, but after my mother suggested it, I began to really consider it. Suddenly, boom! It was as if I had just had an epiphany. I began to do some research online and was very pleased with what I found.

The College of Columbian Arts and Sciences, in particular, was what really had caught my eye. Living in America has been a blessing for me and my family. Ever since my life-changing trip to Afghanistan back in 2005, I have never been so grateful. Seeing the poverty-stricken children out in the streets, the wailing mothers begging for food and money, and the many people with missing limbs, broke my heart. As each day passed, I realized how much the people were anguished and in despair. My eyes had finally opened and I realized that something had to be done. When I came back home, I came as a new person with a complete, new mind-set. From then on, I have wanted to devote my life into helping my country and its people and I believe that the George Washington University will help me accomplish that dream.

As a current student, I am pursuing a Bachelor of Biology with a concentration in Psychology. I plan to then continue my education by going to medical school and becoming a pediatrician. I know that the George Washington University can help me achieve this goal. Attending an institution with a medical school will help me get easily connected with students who are pursuing the same goal. It will also help me grow more familiar with the medical field and enable me to become an expert in it by gaining first-hand knowledge from the well-educated faculty members, while becoming well-rounded for medical school.

There are many other great schools out there with prestigious medical schools that I could continue my education in, but George Washington University has definitely topped my list. With the great biology program and excellent medical school they offer, I know that it will help me build enough skills and knowledge to go out in the world and make a difference. I have also always found it important to be part of a community in which I feel comfortable in and that is exactly what this university provides - a friendly and diverse environment. In addition to that, it is located in the heart of the nation's capital, which gives me the option to commute rather than reside on campus. I feel that it is important for me to focus on my education and at the same time, attend to the needs of my family.

Any conclusion suggestions/ideas?

Thank you so much Tim for the help. I really appreciate it. I am still working on improving my paper and will post as soon as I can. Hope to get some more feedback from you.

Thanks again!

Yes, I agree here. Good point, Tim. also, I want to mention that, if you do keep this paragraph, the correct way is to write: ...Living in America has been a blessing for my family and me.

My family and I live in America. ("I" is part of the subject of the sentence)
Living in America has been a blessing for my family and me. ("Me" is the word to use for the "object" of the sentence)

I would then like to continue my education by going to medical school and becoming a doctor dermatologist (or some other specialization). ----It is more impressive if you know what kind of physician you want to be. Acupuncture? General Practitioner? Cardiologist?

:-)

[b]Ok sorry for the late reply. I have been so busy with school and getting this essay done. Anyways, here's my new and revised essay. As for the conclusion, I'm not sure how exactly I should close off my essay. Should I go back to the first paragraph and tell them that if it weren't for my mom's suggestion, I would have missed out on a great opportunity? Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thanks for all the help you guys have done so far.