his paragraph can't stand alone! It doesn't relate in any way to the prompt or to your essay. You can include it, but you absolutely must tie it in- right now it's just filler.
Yes, I agree here. Good point, Tim. also, I want to mention that, if you do keep this paragraph, the correct way is to write: ...Living in America has been a blessing for my family and me.
My family and I live in America. ("I" is part of the subject of the sentence)
Living in America has been a blessing for my family and me. ("Me" is the word to use for the "object" of the sentence)
I would then like to continue my education by going to medical school and becoming a
dermatologist (or some other specialization). ----It is more impressive if you know what kind of physician you want to be. Acupuncture? General Practitioner? Cardiologist?