Barnard Supplement- Government Representitive

Hey!

This is the second of four Barnard essays I have to write. I'm not really sure how I feel about it so edits are really appreciated. I hope everyone is having a great holiday season!

Thanks

The question is: If you had a full hour to meet with a government representative or community leader, what one issue or concern would you raise and why? Characters available 1000

(Its slightly too long at the moment)

In his confirmation hearings to the US Senate, Arne Duncan, the US secretary of education said that education is "the most pressing issue facing America," adding that "Education is...the only sure path out of poverty and the only way to achieve a more equal and just society." Although I appreciated his sentiments, I had never truly understood the meaning and importance of his words until I realized that I tutor kids affected by exactly this problem. The Village Project is an organization devoted to helping children from the poorer neighborhoods in San Francisco through tutoring and other experiential educational activities. Since my freshman year of high school, I have tutored many of the kids from the village project twice a week after school. The kids I tutor are not only incredibly dedicated, but they are also very bright. Unfortunately they don't receive the same opportunities as I do to obtain a great education, and a very small minority, if any will attend college. These kids are set up to continue in their parents footsteps, living in poverty and working as many odd jobs as they can just to scrape through. If I could spend an hour with a government representative, I would raise the issue of education for the poor. I would work with the representative to help create a comprehensive program to combat the failures of the current education system. Through hard work and careful monitoring, we could institute a system in which even children living in poverty could have the opportunity to go to college, to reach their full potentials. Creating such a program would help raise the lower classes out of poverty and into a more equal society.

Interesting choice of person to meet with if you had the oppurtunitity. It is good that you decided to tackle discussing the problem of education. Your point of disussion is good, but I think you really start to talk about it at the end. I think you should focous on descrbing the last parts of this supplement, I have copy and pasted the parts you should elaborated on:

If I could spend an hour with a government representative, I would raise the issue of education for the poor. I would work with the representative to help create a comprehensive program to combat the failures of the current education system. Through hard work and careful monitoring, we could institute a system in which even children living in poverty could have the opportunity to go to college, to reach their full potentials. Creating such a program would help raise the lower classes out of poverty and into a more equal society.

ha that is funny we picked the same person, but you wrote it first, so I will give you the credit!
I really like yours, it speaks to a specific part of education in America and it is great that you can tie in your own experience. The only thing I think needs some work is the ending line:

Creating such a program would help raise the lower classes out of poverty and into a more equal society .
It is a little awkward, I suggest perhaps writing instead:
Creating such a program would help raise lower class students out of poverty and thus create a more equal society.

If this is too long you can take out "help" and "thus"

I think you answer the prompt fully and your content is good.

Other small stuff (to reduce characters):

The kids I tutor are not only incredibly dedicated, but they are also very bright.

Since my freshman year of high school, I have tutored many of the kids from the village project twice a week after school . (Your reader will assume this)

Unfortunately they don't receive the same opportunities as I doopportunity to obtain a great education, and a very small a minority of them , if any, will attend college.

***Just continue to read this out loud to yourself to see if it reads smoothly. Also, if you are doing common app you can attach this essay and make it slightly over 1000 characters.