Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP

I would like to keep this essay relatively short and direct...

I have a tendency to take anything that has my name behind it very seriously, including this essay. It is because of this ambition that I have had trouble completing my statement of purpose. I initially read the prompt almost a year ago, when I first considered the University of Texas for the school to continue my studies, and have been thinking of the question at hand ever since. I have always dreamed of becoming an attorney, my competitive nature, attention to detail, and love for structured debate are testaments to that dream. However, until I was faced with producing a statement of purpose, I had never really thought of what exactly I wanted to do after law school. I was debating between corporate law or international law, yet I did not feel particularly excited about either one. So I decided to do what I do best when I don't have an answer to a question, I researched. After exploring different careers dealing with law, I stumbled across a division of law that works with intellectual property. I became interested in practicing intellectual property law instantly, specifically the category of intellectual property that deals with patents. The description of the personal requirements for a patent attorney mirrored those I already possess. One must have a tenacious grip on the pursuit of knowledge, an interest in science and technology, and the desire to put forth a determined effort in their career. There seems to be only one barrier between me and my dream career: a bachelor's degree in either technology or science. Up until this point, I had assumed that I could complete a bachelor's degree in anything I chose and it would make no difference when I applied to law school. This is generally true, except for the field of patent law. Some may consider it a mistake to change my major once I have already applied so much towards a liberal arts degree, yet I feel that it would be a bigger mistake for me to not pursue what truly interests me. Thus, I have decided to work towards a bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering. Although at this point in my collegiate career I have yet to take any mathematics or science classes, one must not assume that I do not have an interest and the ability to succeed in those departments. In fact, my mother, father, and brother have pursued the fields of computer engineering and computer science. I grew up in a home based on analysis and logic, to which I can attribute to my aspiration to pursue not only a law degree, but an engineering degree as well. Put simply, my statement of purpose may be summarized by the following sentence. My intentions are to graduate from the University of Texas with a bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering, graduate from the University of Texas Law School, and practice patent law. It will be difficult, but it will also be worth it.

I really like the way this starts and also very much appreciate your wish to keep it short and (pun intended) sweet.

But you need to say more about your purpose. What will you do with your law degree? A degree is a means to an end, not a purpose in itself. Do you want to be a judge? A corporate lobbyist? An environmental defense attorney? A battered women's advocate? A politician? A prosecutor? A defense attorney? What? And why?

That's what they want to know. You might also mention what undergraduate major you would choose and which extracurricular activities you would be likely to see as consistent with your purpose.

Yes indeed, your currently stated purpose is too obvious to be worth mentioning. Of course you want to get into the university you are applying to, and presumably you want to do well there. The university wants to know what you will do with your degree once you have it. You may not know, just yet, what aspect of law will interest you the most. After all, many undergrads don't even know what they plan to major in, much less what they plan to specialize in in their graduate studies. Don't worry, though -- what you pick here isn't binding, so just choose whatever sounds most interesting to you at the moment, and go with that. If necessary, do some research so you can talk about your chosen career intelligently.

Simone, I love the implications in your pairings. Subtle, but hilarious.

Ah, it's so nice to be understood.

My alarm beeped for the fifth time in an hour. Each time it sounded, I was reminded of the approaching time that I dreaded so much: six o'clock in the morning.

In a matter of minutes, I got up and attempted to prepare for my first day of classes at San Antonio's community college.

I made my way to the bus stop, hoping that everything went well and that I would arrive on time to class.
^Given the context of the sentence, would it not be, 'hoping that everything would go well'?

I was twenty years old, without a vehicle, and nervous but also determined.
^Remove the 'and' before nervous.

It was then that I made a promise to myself.
^A bit sudden and random. You were nervous and determined. Ok, the 'promise to myself' sentence fortifies the determination part, but what were you nervous about? Or were you nervous and determined to do something that day? In that case, what? I do not quite see how someone can just have those two emotions on a random day without a given reason...and up to this point, you have not given any reason to be nervous or determined. You just woke up and you are going to college and realised that life is not too cool, but does that make you nervous and determined? It can make you nervous to realise that, your life sucks. And you can be determined to make it rock.

In my opinion, you should be more clear.

I vowed to be successful that semester and every semester to follow. I vowed to arrive early, ask questions, give answers, and put everything I had towards my goal.

^You vowed. Does that make it a goal?

For the past year and a half, my life has been nothing but a revolving door between work and school and I could not possibly be any happier. I pay for my rent, bills, and schooling through the long work hours I invest in each week.

I have overcome the inconvenience of having to spend four hours each school day to get to and from campus in order to be successful. Now that I near my last semester before transferring to a four year university, I feel satisfied in my approach to my academic career and know that as long as I remain the ambitious individual that I have always been, I will be successful in any endeavor. My statement of purpose may be summarized by the following sentence. My intentions are to attend the University of Texas at Austin, graduate with honors, and be accepted to their school of law. That is my purpose.

^We understand your intentions. But, what is your purpose of applying. You just say what you would like to happen. However, you need to address the purpose aspect. What purpose is there attending UT, and perhaps you can discuss how this purpose is meaningful and useful to you..

I am taking a new approach to the statement of purpose essay. This follows a stream of consciousness style, but I need it to fit an essay format (different bodies maybe...lol) and I could use some help breaking it up

No, no, nooooo!!! Don't, don't, DO NOT start this essay by rambling on about how hard it has been for you to write this essay. I know that this seems like a fabulously original idea to you. It is not. Do not do it.

I'm wondering why you abandoned your original (in both senses of the word) approach? I liked that lead. It would catch the attention of a bored and busy admissions officer. This new tack, I'm afraid, is off track.

In my honest opinion, I feel that any tactic or approach for writing a statement of purpose is quite unoriginal. Everything that I wrote in that essay is honestly how things went down for me. I thought I had a whole plan worked out, and when it came down to putting it on paper in the form of an essay, I realized that I had not thought out my plans as well as I should have. I have been attempting to write this essay for over a year and am tired of trying to think of original and witty tactics. I have the ability to bs my way through anything, but I think I have reached a point where I realize that some things that seem monotonous and directed, such as admission essays, actually serve a purpose. These essays should be difficult to write, they should take time, and most of importantly, they should be sincere. But I do appreciate your critique and judgement, and will definitely reevaluate the manner in which I convey my thoughts.

That's undoubtedly true. The question is: Will it help you to base your essay around the experience of writing the essay? The answer is no.

Forget about being clever or original. Answer the essay prompt. Don't tell them about the process of answering the essay prompt. Answer the essay prompt.

The first essay you posted here is much, much stronger than the latest. If what you care about is getting into school, use that one. If what you care about is sharing your views on essay writing, by all means use the second one.

I added a paragraph that explains why I am applying to UT's liberal arts school instead of their school of engineering.

I woke up for the fifth time that morning. Each time I awoke, I anxiously checked the clock waiting for six o'clock to roll around. Finally, the desired hour approached. In a matter of minutes, I got up and attempted to prepare for my first day of classes at San Antonio's community college.

I made my way to the bus stop, hoping that everything would go well so that I may arrive on time to class. I was twenty years old, without a vehicle, nervous, but also determined to pursue my dreams. As I rode the bus downtown amongst crying children, single mothers, drunks, and the homeless, I made a promise to myself. I vowed to be successful that semester and every semester to follow. I vowed to arrive early, ask questions, give answers, and put everything I had towards my goal. I felt a surge of excitement as I realized I had a clean slate ahead of me. I had every opportunity available to me and I was committed to completing what I said I would do.

For the past year and a half, my life has been nothing but a revolving door between work and school and I could not possibly be any happier. I pay for my rent, bills, and school through the long work hours I invest at work each week. I have overcome the inconvenience of having to spend four hours each school day to get to and from campus in order to be successful. I have retained my thirst for knowledge and applied my curiosity towards subjects I never would have thought to be interesting in the past. I attribute my new interest in technology to my sociology professor who introduced me to ted.com, a technology and design website. I can thank my history professor for my critical approach to the world, my biology professor for my fascination with genetics, the human genome project in particular, and my French professor for my optimistic attitude towards my goals and acceptance of culture.

I am a walking composition of stitched ideas and influences, constantly adapting and adjusting, taking in my environment and choosing from it the aspects I relate to the most. Just as any other, my goal in life is to attain a sense of self actualization. Personally, that entails learning what I am and how I relate to the world. Thus, here lies the nucleus of my interest. I find it exciting that our perception of the environment is constantly changing and expanding, that what we know today is only the foundation for the discoveries tomorrow holds.

When listening, or should I say watching, Brian Cox's update on the progress of the CERN supercollider on ted.com, I was exposed to a quote by Humphry Davy that I enjoyed very much. He stated that "Nothing is so dangerous to the progress of the human mind than to assume that our views of science are ultimate, that there are no mysteries in nature, that our triumphs are complete and that there are no new worlds to conquer." It is for the preceding reason that I wish to realize my dream of becoming a patent attorney.

I have every intention to graduate with a bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering so that I may be eligible to practice patent law after attending law school. My attention to detail, strong interest in the world of science and technology, and love of hard work make me the ideal candidate for such a career. I will be using my personal skills to be actively involved in the latest discoveries in science and advances in technology. Unfortunately, we are not all blessed to be born with a knowing of where we want our lives to take us. For some, there is no question to what our life's work is. For others, like myself, a journey is involved in choosing a career.

I began my studies under the impression that I would be attending law school to practice corporate law, therefore I was in the pursuit of a liberal arts degree. I have taken courses that are transferable to the University of Texas's Liberal Arts program. It was during the course of writing this essay that I realized that I prefer for the subject matter of my work to deal with science and technology and satisfy my urge to constantly learn. I am aware that because not all of my classes are transferable to the University of Texas's Crockwell School of Engineering and I have not met the prerequisite of having completed the Calculus sequence I am not eligible for admission. Therefore, I have decided to still apply to the University of Texas in hopes that I may attend the Spring semester as having an undeclared major, take the Calculus sequence and Physics courses there, and apply to the Crockwell School of Engineering in Fall.

If given the opportunity, I have no doubt in my ability to fulfill whatever it is I set my mind to. I am aware that this goal will take years to complete, yet I am just the type of person to realize this dream. Now that I near my last semester before transferring to a four year university, I feel satisfied in my approach to my academic career and know that as long as I remain the ambitious individual that I have always been, I will be successful in any endeavor.