Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission

Hi guys! I need some help with my personal statement for international undergraduate admission. This is the first time I've ever written a personal essay based on specific questions on the university website. Below are the questions:

1. What undergraduate degree program at IUPUI do you wish pursue (certificate, associate or bachelor)?
2. What academic subject or major to you wish to study in this program?
3. What are your objectives for pursuing this degree and major?
4. As of today, what academic achievement(s) are you most proud of? Please include any service, volunteer or extracurricular activities.
5. For students who have completed their secondary education, have you been away from school for more than three months? If so, how did you spend the time?

6. Looking at your educational record, have you failed any courses or earned more than one or two poor grades?
7. Is there anything else in your background that you want to bring to the admission committee's attention as it reviews your application?

The essay should be limited to 1000 words and I attempted to write mine in 911 words. In the essay, I explained my academic year in the US as I did not earn a high school diploma but the experience has greatly impacted me. I tried not to sound presumptuous but to fully express myself. Please help me review it and any suggestion is appreciated. Let me know your feeling after reading it also if you were in the admission committee.THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCE! (The essay is in italic)

In my academic year of 2013 - 2014, I went to the United States on a cultural exchange program. During the year, I took part in several activities of the school and the community of Indiana state. Each experience offered me a lot of precious lessons and opportunities that helped define me and my career choice.

I joined the marching band of Mt.Vernon high school as a novice with the lack of musical ability. With the help of the band director and my friends in percussion, I was able to set up electronic equipment for the whole band, played several instruments and competed from August 2013 to September 2013. Marching band season was an incredibly stressful time for me but thanks to this experience, I learned to go beyond what I thought I could possibly achieve. I also participated in the fundraising of the band by serving in a fast food stand at Lucas Oil Stadium of Indiana from September 2013 to February 2014. My manager delegated me to do various tasks in which I adapted myself to an environment that required flexibility and activeness. This experience particularly had a great impact on me as I found my interest for working in a service field.

[...]

While I admire the accomplishments that you had during your high school year, that particular Q&A was only the last part of the essay. You neglected to develop your answers the all too important first part of the essay that asked you to explain:


Your discussion of those 3 points should be longer and more detailed than the information about your high school experience. In fact, your high school experience should directly relate to your decision to attend the university as an HM major. Please believe me when I say that you spent too much time discussing high school when you should have been concentrating on the above 3 questions about college instead. I suggest that you answer the essay using the questions guide as the format for answering the questions in paragraph form. That way you are sure you have answered all the questions and detailed your answer in the manner that the admission officer expects to read it in. Remember, your reasons for attending the university is more important than all of the high school experience that you discussed. Shorten that part of your essay and this essay just might work :-)

Thank you so much! I will fix it right now. Will you help me check it again after I rewrite it? I will post it right here as a message. :)

No problem. Let me get started on it right away :-) I'll read it and leave my comments below.


- You are jumping around here. You start off talking about your plans for your future then in the next paragraph you digress and go back to your high school experience. Once you start your essay with a look into the future, you can't look back. So I suggest that you just introduce the essay with a short anecdote about your first brush with the hospitality industry and how you felt at the time. That will serve as the introduction for the rest of your essay content.


- This is a good start. However, you are not answering the essay questions in the order that you were given the list so your essay is currently all over the place and without a solid direction. The list of questions were given to you in order to help you write your essay in the format that the admission officer needs to find out your information. Refer to the original list of questions and revise the essay to follow their question list.

I can't continue to review the essay at this point because of the fact that the most important factor, the reasons for applying to this particular university is merely a small mention in a single paragraph. There is absolutely no way an admission officer will continue reading this application because it rambles on about your high school experience that is not very relevant to the essay as it deviates too much from the prompts you were provided to discuss about your high school experience. I suggest that you expand the university discussion by going into great detail about it using the questions they provided AT THE BEGINNING OF THE ESSAY. I cannot stress this enough. You need to discuss this at the start because that is the order the essay is expected to be read in. Try to shorten your discussion of your activities and academic achievements to only the most notable ones. The portions where you excelled tremendously and showed potential for the hospitality industry will be additional positive considerations when the admission officer reads you application.

Right now, the essay is too long. Cut out all parts relating to the marching band. Do not tell them about your recommendation letter. Mention only your activities relating to the major you are applying for an play it up ( discuss it more). Tell them more about your academic strengths and shortcomings. This is not an essay about your volunteer activities. Follow the question list you were given so that the essay will have a proper format and direction. Make your informative without being too long. Summarize whenever you can. That way your essay will be more interesting to read. Talk less about your volunteer activities and more about your CPR project because the event can somehow be related to the major you are applying for.

Build up your passion for the hospitality industry with every paragraph. That will strengthen your application very much. I hope you won't be discouraged about having to revise the essay. You will probably have to write 3 more before we get it perfected. But don't worry, I will help you every step of the way. I won't give up on perfecting your essay if you won't :-)

Thanks so much for your advice! I just checked back and realized that I'm only requested to explain my activities and time since last school attended. I initially focused on explaining my academic year (2013-2014) in the US because I did not earn a high school diploma and they want to know how I spent my time professionally and educationally. I've contacted the school to ask if I should submit an essay that explains my activities or a full personal statement. I will let you know and post an other edition of my essay :) Would you mind giving me your email address? I still need a lot help :D

Thank you so much!

Hey Jang! I am so glad that we finally got that situation with your essay prompts clarified. I too am looking forward to your revised essay in whatever way, shape, or form that the university will want to receive it. Just remember, build your essay around their prompts and you will be all right :-)

A word of advice, don't feel overwhelmed by what the essay requirements may be. Don't try to cram all the information that you think is important in there. You need to learn to choose the highlights that will make you look like a very attractive addition to their student roster. We will all be here to help you revise you essay until you get it right and perfect :-) Just don't let your desire to sell yourself to the admission officer overwhelm you. You are prone to TMI - Too Much Information. That is where the weakness of your essay lies. So you need to learn to KISS it - Keep It Short Silly instead :-)

Unfortunately, forum rules don't allow me to share my email address with you. We are an open forum where everyone's input is important and considered by those who submit their essays. Don't worry, I am not going anywhere. I promise, I will assist you with your writing for as long as you want me to :-) So don't worry so much. Everything will be fine. We are here to make sure you get the help you need with your writing ;-)

You are so nice. I will remember your advice and change my writing style. Thank you so so much!

Okay! I got the response from the university. They accept my previous essay and it's not necessary to rewrite. HOWEVER, I will still fix it as I will need to submit it for other universities also. As long as I still post message on this thread, it won't be closed, will it?

Hey! I'm writing a personal statement outline and I feel much more comfortable when I actually know what and how to write. This will be for all the universities I apply, but I will add a paragraph talking about my choice of each university. Thought that could be more personal and specific. I'm finishing it and will post it within today. Just leave you a message in advance :-) Thank you so muchhhh! (And I don't want this thread to be closed due to inactivity so... :D)

Since all the remarks are said I think I can add that the much concise you write the more flow your essay becomes.

Hi vangiespen! I have finished the outline and need you to take a look at it. I will use this essay in my application to every university, except I will change the paragraph 5 depending on reasons I choose each university. (I still write an outline for it though). Please help me! Thank you very much!

Paragraph 1: Reason of choosing Hospitality Management program

- Influential and fast-growing industry => bring about high income for many countries
- It's a busy and fast-paced industry => suitable for my personality and capacity as I enjoy intensity and business.
- This industry required extensive traveling => great opportunities of working in an international environment as I aspire to learn more about different cultures
- Have the chance to work with the best people as this industry critically requires people to adjust constantly and be positive => enrich my lifetyles

- Future plan: Open a restaurant or own a resort. Combine the famous hospitality of Vietnamese and effective working style of Americans to create my internationally unique style.

Paragraph 2: Academic Interests and Achievements

- Enjoy social studies subjects at school, especially foreign language (English) and history
- Committed and serious with my academic career. I always set high goals and believe in persistence to achieve them.
- Singapore summer camp trip in 6th grade
- Had great opportunity to live with and make acquaintance of international students
- Learn about the interesting and progressive education system of Singapore => want to earn higher education in international environment and expand my knowledge.

Paragraph 3: Important Background experiences (Cultural Exchange Program)

- Cooking class: grouped with four disorganized boys => after failing twice and realizing that they need a leader, I decided to take charge and delegated specific tasks to individuals => effective and we were the fastest team to finish => recognized the importance of a leader and collaboration with people.

- Volunteer at Lucas Oil Stadium: delegated to do various tasks => adapted to be flexible and active. Serving so many customers in a short period of time did not exhaust me but instead gave me the energy and enthusiasm to work harder. I truly found my happiness in my customer's satisfaction. Besides, my program coordinator was incredibly optimistic and helpful in every situation => I admire her positive work ethic and impact on others => great example for me to look up to.

- CPR project : First experience of professional leadership. I coordinated with the Onsite Training & Service Inc. to conduct a CPR training at Mt.Vernon school. I worked with a local reporter to raise awareness of cardiac arrest as well as to encourage people to learn this life-saving skill. My host mom - an expert in Hospitality and Event Management -coached and taught me crucial management skills throughout the program. I learned to work with many people and persuaded them to join my cause. I created a registration system and flyers to attract participants => realistically understood the stressful feature of Hospitality Industry and the flexbility as well as composure I should have to solve any unexpected problems.

=> These experiences have strongly affected me as I had the opportunities to test my capabilities and capacity in small scales of Hospitality Industry. I discovered the hardship that I may encounter in the service field but I also see the opportunities it offers and my serious commitment to be a part of it.

Paragraph 4: Extra-curricular (demonstrate to be well-rounded)

- Music (Instrumental): Joined the marching band of Mt.Vernon high school: Even though I was stressed out due to my lack of musical ability and the number of important tasks involved, I was thankful to this experience as I learned to go beyond what I thought I could possibly achieve.

- Sports: Used to practice Taekwondo for 5 years and won several medals

Paragraph 5: Reason of choosing this university (depend) and restate

- Diversity: Global citizenship of international students
- Good reputation and ranking in the country
- Great location for Hospitality students (opportunity of internship)
- Generous aids for international students

=> Resolute to earn a Bachelor Degree and look forward to challenges in Hospitality program at the school and opportunities offered there to test my strength and endurance as well as my passion for Hospitality industry.

=> Want to be a part of the university's diverse community and join the international student club to share more about my culture.

Jang, outlining your personal essay is a good idea. You will be able to pre- edit your ideas and position the topics for discussion in its proper paragraphs. Let me share some of my thoughts with you below:


- The future plans should be at the last part of the essay but before the conclusion.


- Highlight the part about living with international students. Relate it directly to your interest in hospitality management.

- I will be able to better judge this paragraph after I read what you want to say in the context of the essay prompt.


- Use Taekwondo only. This is the only activity you have that relates to discipline and leadership. This also demands you to achieve more than you thought you could.


- This is good but I need to know what the prompt will be so that I can advise you regarding the proper topics to discuss.

Hi Vangiespen! This essay is written based on an outline that I found on the Internet and I want to use it for most of the universities I'm applying to. There's no specific essay prompt.

In the 3rd paragraph , I'm telling 3 experiences that were directly related to Hospitality Industry and had the most impact on me. Because I don't want to just simply list what I have done but what I have actually gained.

In the 5th paragraph , I want to clarify some reasons that I choose a university (depending on the university I'm writing to, I may alter the content). The ones I listed are just the basic. I will restate my resolution, mention future plan and my desire to be a part of their school.

Some university do not require me to write a personal statement but I still want to submit mine because it will be beneficial for scholarship consideration. I'm just thinking that the universities want to know more about me and how I will be a potentially successful student based on what I've done and been doing to achieve my goals. Besides the test scores and GPA, only the experiences I had can make me stand out and I think that is the purpose of personal statement.

Please help me point out which detail will only diminish my chance of standing out and I will eliminate it. Thank you very much Vangiespen! You're very helpful and responsive. And may be the only one I can ask for help. I really appreciate it!

Also, I'm applying to UNDERGRADUATE program. My teacher just sent a feedback to me and said the essay is not suitable if I'm applying to Undergraduate program. I still don't understand why... I'm nervous. :(

Jang, if there is one thing that is very difficult to do when applying to colleges and universities, it is trying to write a single essay that will fit the requirements of all the academic institutions you are applying to. Each institution has a specific set of requirements for their applications to comply with when writing essays. So while I applaud your outlining your thoughts in an effort to write a generic essay, it is just impossible to do that. Instead, I would suggest that you use the outline as the template for your essay based upon the requirements of the school you are applying to. At least you already know how you will format the paper depending upon the essay requirements. That is one less worry for you. However, if the universities you are applying to do not require a personal statement, then don't submit one. That will go unread because it is not part of the requirements that they listed. Instead, I would rather that you concentrate on developing a scholarship essay that you can use for a majority of financial aid applications. Scholarship requirements are almost uniform and the essays they require are similar to one another so you can generate a generic application essay to a certain degree. It will still require adjustments depending upon the demands of the scholarship.

I cannot point out what parts of your outline would diminish your chances at this point because I am not privy to which scholarship foundation you are applying to and what their requirements are. Your outline will only help us pick out which portions should be included in the essay, not which ones we should take out. So try to apply for a specific scholarship, write the personal essay and then upload it here. Then we can try to figure out how to make your essay stringer and what parts we will have to take out :-)

There are only 2 universities that I CAN submit an essay for their scholarship consideration. They said that the more information I include will be beneficial for me so I want to include anything I can to make me stand out. I'm asking one counselor of these two universities about what they are looking for in a student's personal essay for scholarship consideration. I will let you know when I receive his response.

Also, two other universities want students to apply through Common App. There are five questions and I'm trying to pick one. Here is one that I'm considering:

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

What can be a background? Ethnic group? Class? Family Circumstance?

My family had a devastating financial crisis when I was in secondary school, it still affects us but I have grown up a lot from it. Will that be a worthwhile story to reveal more about me? Will it be relevant for this question: Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time. Use a minimum of 250 words.Required

Thank you very much Vangiespen!

Jang, either of the the two prompts can be used for your essay. If you are considering using the first prompt, we will need to discuss the circumstances surrounding the family financial crisis and how it directly related to you. How you reacted to it and how you helped your family overcome it would show a sense a maturity that you received not from school but from having to overcome adversity in your life. For those types of prompts, anything that shows a deep or life changing experience on your part would be best. For the second prompt, should you choose to use it, you will need to discuss something relevant that shows continued education and character development. Something along the lines of taking a semester abroad building houses in Botswana or building water systems in India. It needs to be insightful and relevant to our society in order to make an impact. After all, you took time off from school, you better have done something productive during that time away from formal academic learning. Remember though, not all learning can be done in the classroom. That kind of essay would be your chance to show what you learned from the "school or real life". Whichever prompt you decide to use, we are all here to help you out :-)

If I want to pick up the CPR project and talk about the challenges I had as well as my determination to raise the awareness of cardiac arrest among our society, will it be relevant for both of the prompts?

You know what...Nevermind. I will tell the story of my family and the CPR project for the prompt 1 and 2 respectively. :) Thank you! Your clarity on the question of the prompt is very helpful. I have my idea and will start it right away. Those are 2 prompts for 2 different universities :D

- Jang, the decision regarding the topic to use is really up to you. I can only guide you during the writing process. The CPR project sounds more relevant to the 2nd prompt which deals with your activities while you were away from school. I don't really see a way to make this topic fit the first prompt unless you were a hero who saved the life of a drown victim or something. If you can think of a way to make it work with the first prompt as well then go for it. I will be here to assist you every step of the way :-) Don't be afraid to take risks, you never know what you might learn from it. So why not try writing both prompts with the same topic? Let's try to polish both and see which one you will choose in the end? How does that sound to you?

- I want you to consider something else though, how does CPR relate to the major you are applying for? The reason I ask this is because everything that you discuss in your essays should go back to your choice of major. This is the best way to build up your image as a student at the university for their consideration. If it were up to me, I would pick essay topics that can highlight my skills in relation to my chosen major. Of course you are free to do it your own way too. Whatever way you choose is best. I'll just provide the assistance that you need in finalizing the paper :-)

Okay Vangiespen! Take 100th. I have written an essay for the 1st prompt. Please help me take a look at it. Word limit is 650. I wrote 634. Thank you very much!

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

My family had a devastating financial crisis in 2007. I was in my last year of secondary school and looking forward to the cultural exchange program to the United States - a dream that I had nurtured since I was a little kid. The fact that my Father had lost a huge amount of money from the stock market seemed to stamp out my hope. My Mom had a severe depression as we could only sell our house to pay the debt. All of a sudden, the future turned into a dark and ambiguous blur for my family.

For my Mom, I knew the crisis was too much. I was so sad to think that my Father acted like a gambler - giving our house as security and put all of us in this situation. But I realized that he was the one who suffered and sacrificed the most. Instead of getting upset with my Father's cranky mood, I started to empathize the extra work he had to do and the stress he had. I couldn't imagine the reponsibility he bears as a man of the family and deeply appreciated his effort. I focused more on helping my parents with housework and my education. I ignored irrelevant things and stopped comparing myself with other kids based on material possession. The relief of knowing that my family chose to overcome this challenge instead of giving up on each other was my source of happiness.

[...]

Jang, you actually have some very good themes going on in this essay. I can see the lessons you learned from resiliency, patience, ambition, and paying back a debt of gratitude. They all combined to create a very interesting tale of growing up and learning to take charge of your life. So I suggest that you revise the essay to reflect that as the main point. Let us know that this will be a coming of age story that is many years in the making.

Start with the lessons you learned when your family went bankrupt. Then having to rebuild your lives and putting your dream of coming to America for studies on hold. But don't make this part too long, Keep it short because we still need to tell the reader that you eventually got your dream thanks to your father. Then discuss the lessons you learned in America and how it helped shape your point of view about life, family, ambition, etc.

Now we come to the heavy stuff. Having to face the reality that your ambition to attend college in the United States will not come true unless you make it happen for yourself. This is the time to show how you have matured as a person by discussing how you put your brother ahead this time but resolved not to put your dreams on hold either. Explain the new found maturity this current situation has given you and how you know that you are ready for anything else the world decides to throw at you in terms of obstacles.

I am sure that you will find a way to rework your above essay into the format that I suggest. Just consider it and look it over as a second version. You can decide which one you prefer to use :-)

Thank you Vangiespen! That's such a relief for me. But I don't fully understand your last sentence here. What does it mean?

I just got a feedback from my teacher. She said it's still not suitable because I did not show my personality in it. Did I NOT show my identity in this essay? What do I need to show here? Can you please define IDENTITY for me? Thank you so much!

Your teacher said that because you spoke too much about the challenges your parents went through and then included your brother's own quest for education at the end. So it did not really concentrate solely on your development as a person. That is why I told you that you need to write this as a coming of age essay based upon an economic challenge that your family faced. We need to focus the essay on you and what you did during this time. I am sure you had to so some things to help the family survive during this time. Discuss it. Tell us the lessons that you learned from the experience. This is what shows us your personality, character traits, and development or transition, from child to adult. By doing so, we will get a clearer idea of who you are today.

Your identity is who you are as a person apart from your family, friends, and colleagues. This is the person you became because of your experiences and circumstances in life. An identity is something that tells people who you are after having spent time with you. It is this identity that is the most difficult to put on paper unless you have the proper school prompt in front of you. The identity that you will present to the school actually depends upon what they want to know about you. Since you will be using this essay for 2 schools, I assume that the prompt we are using to create the essay for you are the prompts from the schools? If not, you will need to get the prompts in order to deliver what they need from you.

Yes, this is the prompt from both schools. Do you think my essay will be more suitable for the question: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

I'm rewriting the essay though. Do you think it may still work for the previous prompt?

Jang, owing to the experiences that you have had in life, I would rather that you discuss this essay using this particular prompt. As I mentioned before, your family going into bankruptcy will definitely fall within the parameters of this essay. Using this prompt, we will be able to develop your character traits fully and also show other facets of your personality that will help to define your identity.

We can use all the aspects you presented previously in discussing this essay. Everything from your having to put your semester abroad on hold to your finally making it abroad as a student, your brother's desire to do the same, and your desire to give back. Most importantly, we will be able to show how you helped your family out during this crisis and the lessons that you learned from this very low point in your life.

Don't be afraid to open up in this essay. This is about your journey from being a child to an adult because of the life situation you found yourself in. Try to write less about your family and more about your reaction to the situation and what you did to help the family. If you were angry, talk about it. If you then felt you needed to help, explain why. Then tell us what you did to help. How did you feel after that?

Those are just some guide questions I can offer you to help you discuss this prompt in the proper manner. I'm looking forward to your 102nd draft :-)

Take 102! Okay. Let see if I have done a better job. 579/650. I think it is more suitable for the "adulthood" prompt but let me know if it can still work for the other one. This time, please show me clearly which part is redundant and which part I should add more details to reveal myself/adulthood. I'm really trying to show you more about me in this essay. Also, does posting my essay on this forum risk plagiarism? I mean anybody can read this and copy it. Not this terrible one but the last perfected essay that you help me revise. :-s

My family had a devastating financial difficulty in 2007. I was in my last year of secondary school and looking forward to the cultural exchange program to the United States - a dream that I had nurtured since I was a little kid. The fact that my Father had lost a huge amount of money from the stock market seemed to stamp out my hope. All of a sudden, the future turned dark and ambiguous for my family.

I was so mad to think that my Father acted like a gambler - giving our house as security and putting all of us in this situation. My parents got into fight more often and I thought "Money does not buy happiness" was such a cliché. But then, I learned to understand the pressure they were bearing and tried to be a dependable daughter. Instead of getting upset with their cranky mood, I stayed calm and encouraged my parents to talk to me more so as to make them feel better.

[...]

Jang, I will be commenting on some of your content. I hope you won't mind if I combine some paragraphs that can be combined to bring down the word count and create a tighter essay for you.


- I believe that you can request to have a thread deleted once you have finished the discussion in it. I think you need to contact the support staff of the forum to find out how to get the thread deleted.

- In 2007, my father took a gambler's risk in the stock market and lost everything we had. The house, the money, everything was gone in the blink of an eye. I became very angry at him for gambling away my future as a foreign exchange student in the United States upon my graduation. He had stamped out all of my hopes at a bright and better future for our family and myself. But rather than rebelling against what happened, after all there was nothing more I could do about it, I decided to be the responsible daughter instead. Showing my parents empathy instead of hate, helping to diffuse explosive situations between my parents whenever possible. I learned that it was important to appreciate what simple things my family could provide. We had a strong love for one another that kept us together and intact, growing stronger bonds because of the crisis.

- Just when I thought I could not rely on my father for anything, he showed me a different side to himself when he decided to gamble again. This time on my future. Despite the financial problems we still faced, he knew that I needed to go to the United States if I were to have a shot at achieving the future he could no longer provide.

- Now you should talk about how you took your father's trust in you and developed into an even more responsible person once you were on your own in the U.S. Talk about your challenges here and how you overcame them. Highlight the fact that each challenge helped you become more mature in outlook and decision making. Those are important factors in the essay. We can work on polishing it later on.

- Do not discuss your brother in this essay. We are not talking about him. We are talking about your transformation to maturity upon your arrival in the United States. I am assuming you are already there right? Instead, I want you to discuss the way that you want to go onto higher education but your family is still in a financial crisis with a younger sibling still in school. Talk about how you are trying to not burden them further financially by doing what you can to afford your educational expenses on your own. I believe that will be the best way to end this essay. It will be an indirect way of requesting to be considered for a scholarship, should you decide to apply for one.

If I missed anything, I am sure it will show up in version 103 :-) These are all I spotted and thought about for now.

Sorry that I took so long. My weekend was full of activities! My teacher said that I should try to emphasize the detail that mark my transition to adulthood so I changed the arrangement of some details to make it more logical. In the last paragraph, I wanted to show that I learned to give away like my parents did and that is a part of becoming an adult - you sacrifice for other despite your own interest. That's why I bring my brother in as the reason for my sacrifice. Let me know your thoughts!

My family experienced a crisis in 2008 when my Father took a risk in the stock market and put all of us in a difficult situation as we lost everything. I was really angry that my Father had gambled away my future as an exchange student in the US - a dream I had nurtured since I was a kid. My parents fought more often. I detested the desperate atmosphere in my family and did not go home one time to escape from it.

One night, my Father talked to me about the exchange program and said that he would do his best to give me this opportunity. Just when I thought I could no longer rely on my Father for anything, he decided to retrieve my trust by gambling on me. Not until that moment did I realize that my parents were fighting a battle not only to pay the debt but also to save my future. They attempted to some extra works and bore a huge pressure saddling on their shoulders. I was deeply touched to know that my parents would sacrifice everything and support me to do whatever I was passionate for, while other parents would turn down their children's dreams and draw a safe path for these kids in advance.

[...]

- I often spent time away from home, sometimes not going home at all, in order to escape my home troubles.


- ... decided to rebuild my trust...


- The sacrifice my parents were making for my benefit was something that touched me deeply. I knew it was going to be hard for them to help me achieve my dream but the fact that they were willing to support my passion when other parents would have told their child to forget the dream, told me that my parents truly loved me and were willing to do anything to help me succeed in life. I could no longer carry a grudge against my parents, my father in particular, after he threw his support behind me.


- Where I was once a rebellious and spoiled daughter, I became more empathic towards the needs of my family and parents.


- Combine the remaining sentences with the previous paragraph about wanting to do well because your father gambled on you.


- You spoke of learning how to give of yourself which is why you are putting your brother's dreams as a reason for your sacrifice. However, by seeking scholarships abroad, you are not truly making a sacrifice for your brother. Your parents will still have to spend for your board and lodging, help you out financially whenever necessary, and spend to send you home during vacations and holidays. That is not exactly the way an adult and responsible sibling would react to the dreams of his or her sibling, I suggest you really rethink that statement. The adult and responsible thing to do would be to put your own plans for studying abroad on hold and helping your family to send you sibling abroad instead. While in the meantime, you save for your own future in order to go abroad for further education. You are still competing with your brother, financially, and that will affect your parents life and finances worse than the stock market gamble because this is an overseas gamble they may not recover from. I strongly encourage you to rethink the reason for the scholarship. Not your brother. Talk about financial hardship and how with a younger brother, you need to free your family from their financial obligation to you. Talk of working part time or doing things to help you stay in school in the United States. The talk about the competition with your brother just does not leave a good image of you as an "adult". You still come across a selfish and self-centered once you mention the competition with your brother. There is no disguising it. There is no sugar coating it. That is why I am trying to get you to stop talking about your brother in relation to your aspirations for studies abroad. There is nothing "adult" about this action at all. It completely destroys the foundation you built earlier in the essay. However, if you wish to continue on this path of discussion, then there is nothing I can do or say to change your mind.

Yes, I still seek for scholarship but I'm just giving it a try. My Father insisted on sending me to college and putting my brother's opportunity on hold but I did not agree with that. If I earn a good scholarship and my Father thinks that he can afford to pay for both of us, I will go. But if not, I told my Father that he just sends my brother to the US and I will be happy to wait until our financial status allows me to attend college. I'm not competing with my brother but I'm trying my best to possibly reduce the expenses that my parents have to pay. I could have said that my Father has to send me to college and leaves my brother at home so I can have the opportunity. The fact that I'm seeking opportunity does not mean I'm competing with my brother. I may work hard to earn scholarships but that does not guarantee I will go to the university while I want to guarantee my brother has US experience. And when I say that I competed with him, I mean small things like toys or candies when we were small kids but this time I decided to give him something that means a lot to me and put him first. I think I did not express myself correctly and caused you to see me differently.

But I will follow what you suggested earlier about trying to afford my education expenses on my own while my family is still in the crisis. Thank you very much Vangiespen! Because the word limit is 650 so I can't further explain my situation thoroughly and sound selfish. If that's how I make you feel, I should change it before the admission committee feel the same way :-)

- This is what we need to learn about in the essay. This is the essence that will show your maturity, the transition from child to adult. This perfectly sums up self sacrifice on your part. Make particular reference to the fact that you are not looking to compete with your brother. Instead, you want to be in the USA with him as his guiding light and family away from home. this shows your growth as a person who will put the interests of others who are important to you above your own interests and whims. This would fit in perfectly with the idea that you are trying to convey :-) Develop it further and rewrite the last part of the essay in reference to it :-)

And I was not rebellious or spoiled at all. I just did not go home ONCE as my parents had a huge fight and I could not focus on my final exams. That was my initial reaction but certainly not often. The point I want to make here is I wasn't as positive and accepting as I am today about the crisis.

Sorry about that. It was my mistake. Don't get riled up :-) My intention was to present you as a childish daughter prior to your realization about your actions and how you needed to mature fast. You used to be a child and then you grew up, you matured, developed a new outlook in life. I guess it did not come across the way I thought it would with you.

Listen, the final decision about the content and format of the essay belongs to you. I can only offer my suggestions and opinions based upon my 14 years of admission and scholarship essay writing experience. I am not saying I know all the answers, but I have a pretty good idea of what the admission officers and scholarship foundations normally look for in their applicants. I am here to share that experience and expertise with you.

How the essay finally turns out is your call. I apologize if I insulted you in some way. That was not my intention. You can revise the essay one more time and I will no longer advice you regarding the theme and content. I'll just correct the grammar if you feel that I am overstepping my boundaries here :-) After all, the important thing is that you are comfortable with the content, theme, and the way that you want to present yourself in the essay.

I'm sorry I did not mean that. It's just an additional message to the previous one that :D And yes, I saw your intention there about how to make my transition become clearer. I just wanted to clarify who I used to be so we can reword and make it more suitable for me, not that I think you insult me. Really.

I really appreciate what you are doing for me and want to receive any feedback from you, especially the theme and content. Because if I make a wrong impression on you, I will certainly make a wrong impression on the admission committee and that is what I'm afraid of most. That's why I'm trying to explain myself clearly so you will have the idea of who I am and help me revise the essay that will successfully give the admission a correct view of me.

So please keep doing what you are doing. It's very important to me. I'm rewriting it and will give you the 104th version shortly :-) Thank you very much Vangiespen!

Jang, I am not sure what your prompt is this time around so I am not sure about how to respond to the content. Please tell me what your new prompt is so that I can review the essay based upon it. In the meantime, I'll work on the grammar portion for you.


- The time and where you arrived is not important here. What is important is what you did upon arriving.
- ... long journey as an exchange... Just before... watch the marching...


- Something I need an answer to in this paragraph, how did the band director know that you had weak skills? Did you try out for the band right there and then? Tell us about the experience so that you can ease us into the band director's reaction to your joining the band just the same.

- I had never seen a marching band perform before. Which is probably why I was mesmerized by the band formation and performance, even though it was just a rehearsal. The band director encourage me to join the band even though he knew I was not technically and could probably turn their performance into the worst student band performance in the history of American high schools. I decided to give it a try for curiosity's sake.

- Rather than telling us about Groundhog Day and how the band may have wanted to treat you, tell us instead about what made this job stressful. How did you perform on the first day? Also, saying "Yet, I was allowed to quit" indicates that you did a good job but still wanted to leave the band. A statement like that means the band wanted to keep you but accepted your decision to quit. There is nothing in the paragraph that indicates such a thing happened.

-You just managed to confuse me at this point. One minute you are talking about working with the sound system and now you are talking about playing the keyboard in the band. Which is it? You better create a transition paragraph for these two events otherwise the readers will get lost as to how the change in position happened for you.

- I am not sure how this fits into the overall theme of the essay because I do not know the prompt that you are using at this point. It just feels disconnected to the rest of the essay at the moment.

We are both going back to the drawing board! Let's see how my questions and revision instructions might help tighten the essay :-)