'become intimate with him/her' - Common Application

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

With perseverance, full motivation, and true love, one's entrapped/closed mind gradually opens. During grade 10 summer break, I volunteered in "Mission Trip" to ____, where native people inhabited. With the arrival, our team was assigned from 2- 3 people to approach neighbors to provide necessities. First encounter with denizens were appalling; outrageously staring, they simply avoided us. Complete seclusion prevented me to even start a conversation. However, as I voluntarily joined their soccer games, ate meals together, and introduced ourselves with genuine smile, the unyielding barrier started to subside. Within 4 weeks, we were no longer estranged visitors to them. By having more confabulations, I heard their ineffable debacles, including rapes and brutal assaults. From this unique opportunity, I became more aware of individual's difference and their different perspectives. Most importantly, thorough understanding of one's circumstance is required to become intimate with him/her.

I want some food feedbacks!!
ThANK YOU!

, I heard their ineffable debacles, including rapes and brutal assaults. From this unique opportunity, I became more aware of individual's difference and their different perspectives. Most importantly, thorough understanding of one's circumstance is required to become intimate with him/her.

This closing just sounds awkward and there are numerous grammatical errors. Also, it sounds like some of the larger words weren't used correctly. This does sound like a good idea for an essay though! Try asking some english teachers or other adults.