Becoming a Cardiovascular Surgeon - VCU Personal Statement Help

Hi I am looking for any feedback on my personal statement for VCU. Its due in 3 days so please do so quickly. Thank you!

Brief Personal Statement (required of all applicants) - In 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU

VCU Admissions
April 2, 2010
Virginia Commonwealth University Personal Statement

I am considering enrolling into Virginia Commonwealth University because of the opportunities it will bring to my preferred career path in medicine. This prestigious school in the heart of Richmond has an excellent pre-medicine program that will help me continue pursuing my dreams in becoming a Cardiovascular Surgeon. At an early age my Dad, a physician, introduced me to the wonders of practicing Medicine. I quickly got involved in volunteering locally at INOVA Fairfax hospital to get experience first hand. The endless joy brought to ill patients after the men and women in white lab coats had healed their physical and mental wounds, was truly an incredible experience. After years of volunteering at INOVA and various free clinics around McLean, my heart was set on earning the achieved status as a successful medical practitioner. I didn't know specifically what field I wanted to pursue, until a close relative of mine had his life saved by a triple gastric bypass surgery. After such an experience, I decided to devote my future to becoming a Cardiovascular Surgeon and helping people in their most desperate times. I have always put education and family ahead of all other aspects of life. I enjoy quiet days on the lake fishing with nothing but the water crowding my mind. Friends and the time spend making memories with them is also a vital part of my life. I balance work and social life very well, but I always keep my aspirations in mind as I make daily decisions. Gaining admission into VCU and their exceptional Pre-Medicine program will help me get closer to living out my dream, so I truly wish to become a part of it.

^The first sentence is not required.
In regards to the second sentence, what makes the school 'prestigious' with an 'excellent' program. Flattery is cool, but can be fairly unconvincing as well.

The third sentence is..meh?


^This is a personal experience, but I fail to see how this relates to the essay prompt which is asking you why you are choosing VCU.


^This chunk also fails to specify the reasons why you have chosen VCU.
It would seem that from this essay prompt, you are not required to narrate a story or a personal experience as much as you are to discuss why you want to study at VCU and why you feel that is a college that suits you.

Great, great advice here from Faisal. I would do something like this to get rid of that "extra" stuff at the start.
Virginia Commonwealth University because of the opportunities it will bring to my preferred career path in medicine. This has a prestigious school in the heart of Richmond has an excellent pre-medicine program that will help me continue pursuing my dream in of becoming being a Cardiovascular Surgeon.

Because... it's just rude to make a reader trudge through unnecessary phrases. They know the school is in the heart of Richmond, and the fact that it is has nothing to do with what you are really saying. What is the real message you need to get across? Keep that message always in mind as you write.

I suggest proceeding with a message that goes something like this: "I have a clear plan, because I am a serious student who wants to lead a meaningful life as a physician."

Inspire the reader!