Hi guys, I would appreciate any comments on my common app essay!
Becoming the person I am today
Nine years have passed since I felt the warmth of holding my mother's hands. The day when my mother's heartbeat stopped, I was leaning against the door of the ICU, biting my lips in an attempt to stop the tears from falling. With everyone sobbing incessantly, surrounding the bed where mother laid motionless, I was left all alone, wondering would things have been different if I were to find a cure for Lou Gehrig's disease.
Mother's death had left me years in loneliness. Staring at the empty bed where my mother used to lie down surely brought me an unbearable pain, but returning back to school accompanied even greater sufferings for classmates were making fun of the absence of my mother. By then, father had perceived that I could no longer stay in Korea and decided to relocate himself to Samsung Electronics in China. Holding my sister's hand on one side and father's on the other, I took my first step in China, hoping for a positive change. In fact, father's decision in moving to China was wise because I slowly began to heal from the loss of my mother.
My life in China was full of life-changing experiences. Going to international schools not only broadened my myopic views on the world but also allowed me to meet people with various family backgrounds and cultures. When I was with my friends, some of whose family backgrounds more intricate than mine, I was just an ordinary teenage girl with multifarious interests; a girl who loves trying new dishes with her friends, who eagerly learns new languages, who enjoys playing soccer, who devotes herself to playing violin and who takes responsibility as the representative of the class. It didn't take me long to realize my potential as I began to see a clearer picture of who I really was. I wasn't lonely anymore. Behind me stood father and sister, whose unconditional love always meant more than anything, and next to me were my friends who had taught me the joy of life.
When the wounds of losing my mother started to heal, I began to seek the answers for the question that I had asked myself on the day my mother passed away - what can I do to help those who are undergoing the same pain that I have gone through? The answer to my question had helped me sketch what I wanted to do in the future. Even with my earnest passion towards my dream of finding a cure for ALS, there was no one with sufficient experiences in the field of science was there to guide me. Nevertheless, when I was first introduced to the world of Chemistry, I instantly realized the correlation between my dream and Chemistry. I perceived that to find a cure for diseases, I must first understand the fundamental system of the nature and its application; I began to plan my future.
"What's next?" I asked myself when I finally overcame the dark memories from the young ages. The loss of my mother had surely taught me the bitterness of life, yet it was her absence that gave me the confidence as an independent individual who is ready to withstand any setbacks. With the spark that mother had ignited through her death, I began focusing on my academic life in an effort to find the answer to the question that I had asked myself on the day mother's heartbeat stopped. Reading articles about researchers finding a temporary treatment for Lou Gehrig's disease, I found myself rather disappointed to hear a permanent cure has not yet been discovered. With the desire for expanding more knowledge of Lou Gehrig's disease, I now stand here ready to challenge myself once more.
decided to relocate
himself to Samsung Electronics in to China.
In the following sentences, the 'who's are unnecessary.
...multifarious interests : a girl who loves trying new dishes with her friends, eagerly learns new languages, enjoys playing soccer, devotes herself to playing the violin and takes responsibility as the representative of the class.
there was no one with sufficient experience in the field of science
was there to guide me.
... its application. I began to plan my future.
..."had surely taught me the bitterness of life" can be re-written as:
had surely given me a taste of the bitterness of life.
Otherwise, I think your essay and determination is very touching. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and wish you well for the future.